Fundamental Character Flaw (FCF). It sounds simple, but this is a very interesting topic/theory (to me at least). I devised it several years ago back in college while thinking about “Laws of Attraction”. Its also a system that is good in determining whether or not a person is really good for you, and if you can stand this person.
First, the definition
Well … no one is perfect (no matter how much you think you are). Everyone is f*cked up in someway shape or form. Sometimes you have legitimate reasons (Dad beat you, you watched your brother die, your girlfriend left you for brother … you get the idea), but in some cases your just an a**hole or a b*tch! These f*cked up characteristics are defined by me as a Fundamental Character Flaw. Its a permanen, engrained, problem with your character that someone will have a problem with and there is no real chance of it changing.
*Clarification* – Not every problem with a person is a FCF. Certain things are temporary or may improve with time. If your potential wife is a little messy, that may not be an FCF because it may improve over time or she may care about you enough to make efforts towards improving. FCF’s are not getting fixed. Their deep in the core of this person’s belief’s and values. There is a good chance their mama had it, her mama had it, and that sh*t is not going away!
Now … once you have discovered the FCF’s of the person you are dating/talking to/stalking … and truly verified they are true FCF’s … then you have some decisions to be made.
Some FCF’s aren’t that bad and can be dealt with. Realistically, your going to have to deal with some FCF’s no matter who you end up with, so just pick the combination you can live with. Here I introduce the concept of the “Dealbreaker”. A common enough term, but here I use “Dealbreaker” to mean a FCF that you just can’t deal with (read: time for this chick to go).
Examples of FCF’s
- Nail Bitter
- Selfish
- Gold-digger tendencies
- Doesn’t like sex
- Doesn’t give head
- Lives with mom with no plans to ever move out
- Puts career above everything
- Puts everything above career
- Worships Devil
- And the list goes on …
Potential Dealbreakers:
- She loves to have money spent on her and exhibits gold-digger tendencies.
- He thinks that b*tch is a term of endearment.
- If you sleep with someone else in a different area code, its not cheating.
- He doesn’t see the need to work if you already got a “good” job.
So really, you have to ask yourself when you find a FCF if its really a Dealbreaker. Sure she has a little lisp … but are you going to find anyone who can do the things she does with her tongue? Sure he is a little obsessed with his sneakers … but how many other guys are willing to rub your feet everyday as he feeds you. Pick your battles.
What do people think count as dealbreakers and what are FCF’s that can be tolerated?
No wonder you can’t find a woman. Lol…just kidding. Some of your FCFs are hilarious. Have you actually met anyone that worshipped the Devil? And nail bitting? is that really a deal breaker? hmm, guess it falls into the same category as nose picking.
My deal breakers:
Lack of ambition/drive
Smoker
1 minute man
Men with Huge upper bodies and skinny legs (although I did date a guy like this once but you never know until u see them in shorts or without pants on)
LMAO @ those comments I was thinking that too!!!! ok seriously though the FCF’S you described in blog aren’t the same as what looks like to be your pet peeves. But at any rate we all have our own deal breakers mine would have to be a man with kids, smokers, and yes im with lurker on the 1 minute man deal!! I mean come on!!!
Nail biting is an FCF … but not a deal breaker (to me at least).
I think the small legs comment was hilarious though. Is it really a dealbreaker though. I mean … just make sure he keeps them jeans on and pulls it through the hole (although metal zippers can be all too painful!).
Ouch! I realize little legs isnt really a “character flaw” but its kindda a deal breaker for me. I mean how is he supposed to carry me accross the threshold or lift me up during sex when his legs are already under so much stress from his upper body?
You never heard of leverage? If you put a girl against a wall, works wonders for holding everybody up.
And he can hold you for the 30 seconds to cross the threshold. Its more back intensive anyway.
Lmao i would NOT be trying to take any chances on that one if i was her!!!
I mean … I personally have a really big thing about nails (French Tips … with just white … so sexy) … but I wouldn’t go out there and say its a deal breaker if their not done.
On the other hand, a “pet peeve” type deal breaker for me is when the nails have polish on them, but its started to peel and come off because of time, and she makes no attempt to fix it. Reminds me of my girlfriend in kindergarden (you heard me) … and I just can’t get past it. Either do or do not do … don’t do and half-ass.
@mikki:
In the past men with kids was a deal breaker for me. I would flat out not go on a date with a man that had kids. However, I like to date older (not old) men and most men older than myself have at least one child. So, my new deal breaker is he can’t have more than one child and more than one baby mama (need to keep those to a minimum)
@Lurker:
my new deal breaker is he can’t have more than one child and more than one baby mama. I totally agree with you on this I just turned 25 and for most of my dating adult life I have been attracted to older men. Unknowingly though now I am starting to see how much even one child affects me. I been thinking Ok ONE is fine no big deal right?? But I swear this is another subject altogether lol. I guess I still want to believe one is ok but i recently perused a relationship with a man who had one and I haven’t liked it. I feel that as a parent we should want to be there for our children and provide for them as much as we can. my mother was a single parent and I can’t remember a day she didn’t put me and my brother before a man she mad us her number one priority always some say thats a hard sacrifice but I turned out well because of it. so when i date men i naturally think of not only baby momma drama (what ever kind he has) but more so that the time he is with me (which is limited because of work) he could be spending with his child and i never want to take from a child. Now this isn’t to say single parents cant date cuz i for sure know a website where you can find a bunch lol (blackpeoplemeet.com) but I think i prefer him without one. I want the experience of having a child to be a new one with me and my man. Like you said with dating older its a challenge and i am in it right now but I have met some brothers without kids but then he ends up being another SBM lol just kidding!!!!!! ok im not but…….. I still lov ya babe!
Oh yes and somebody told me if you get with a man who has kids and you don’t then your potentially settling So I don’t even know I guess it all goes back to the percentage of quality black men right….
Women have truly lucked out when it comes to dating people with kids. I know plenty of girls who dated people with kids (one situation went on for 3 years) without ever meeting or interacting with the kids.
I, on the other hand, dated a girl with a kid once. OMG. He would eat with us, I played with him, and he learned to start cockblocking my attempts at his mom (lil man was only 3 too). Also, she still loved her no good Baby’s Dad, but he lived 15 hours away.
After that, I will never date a girl with a kid again. Never!!!
BTW … she had a master’s and was gainfully employed, but her lack of common sense, level of ignorance and selfish attitude made her a bucket head. Thus showing how an “educated” women, can still be a bucket head!
LMAO DANG THEM BUCKETHEADS! Ok 3 years without ever meeting child wow thats a record seriously. If I had kids I would be reluctant to bring them around my men but the hopes are that something thats lasted 3 years would have led to something more than just kickin it, and if thats the the case then what the heck are you doing????
Now this is definately a deal breaker – “He doesn’t see the need to work if you already got a “good” job.” He gets Xed real quick.
However true..I’m LMAO @ this post.
I love it!
dang I didnt me to submit yet!
ok now i have to post twice…
Can deal with:
*Nail biting
*A lil messy but not a complete slob
*If this counts: Doesn’t know how to tie a tie (I’ll show him)
*Can’t cook (i’ll teach him)
*Is willing but doesn’t easily communicate
Dealbreakers:
*Smokes (cigs, weed, crack or otherwise)
*Worships Devil (I HAD to throw that in there since you mentioned it!)
*Think getting head from someone else is not cheating
*More than one kid and/or more that one “baby momma”
*This goes for when I first meet him: Bummy shoes..sorry can’t deal with it!
*Baby momma drama
*Nervousness
*Has no goals
*Penis is TOO big…LOL (i’d like to keep my cervix intact thanks!)
@Hunnie.Wright: LOL at the shoes. Maybe he is chilling the one day you meet him. Damn … brother’s cant get a break out here at all.
“After that, I will never date a girl with a kid again. Never!!!”
….hmmmmm, and the plot thickens.