Stay At Home Wife … Thats Bullsh*t!
Posted by: SBM in Marriage, Women, tags: , husband, Marriage, stay at home mom, wife, Women, working wife“When I get married I’m not working! My man can take care of that … I’m trying to stay home, cook and clean a little, and catch up on Maury! Kids … yeah I want some … but I’m not working no matter what”
What kind of bullsh*t is this?
OK, let me take a step back. First and foremost, I’m not talking about a stay at home mother. I mean just a wife, as in no kids, who feels the need to not work.
This topic came up when me and a female friend were talking about women working after marriage. She simply can’t see why anyone would want to stop working after getting married if there aren’t kids involved. She is a strong degreed black woman (as most my female friends are), maybe thats why 8 hours at home to her and letting her skills lapse, is a fate close to death … but maybe its something else.
When I told her I actually knew of women who became stay at home wives after college, gave her some current sitcoms popularizing the idea, and reveling her with the stories of girls telling me this was their goal in life, she became damn near outraged.
In this day and age, I just can’t see what would make someone want to stay at home all day long, doing little to nothing. I’m a lazy person, but even I would lose my mind. Sure there are clubs to join, books to be read, cleaning, cooking, knitting and whatnot, but if there aren’t any kids, how much can this take up??? To me, it just says you lack motivation and are lazy. If thats the case … why would I, or did I, marry you?
At one point in time I was talking to a girl who worked at Microsoft. As someone who has had some dealings with the company, she was probably making a minimum of $70k and I think she did engineering or computer science in school. This educated black woman was determined to quit whatever job she had as soon as the ring went on … “I do. I quit!” She saw no need for her to work, use her degree, or contribute financially after she got married. Even if her husband made less than her, she wasn’t working to me. If only I could show you all a picture of the look of pure disgust she cause my face to contort into.
There was a time when being a stay at home wife made sense. There was a time (back in the 1800s and early 1900s) where butter had to be churned, cows had to be fed, corn had to be shucked, floors had to be scrubbed on hand an knees, and washing machines consisted of a board and bucket. In addition, it was almost impossible for women to work and earn good money doing it.
That sh*t is no longer the case. Cleaning can be knocked out in hours with vacuum cleaners, robotic vacuums, and maid services. With microwaves, programmable ovens, the million other things the modern kitchen has … cooking is not an all day task. Hell, there are enough restaurants, carry outs, and delivery places to supplement even the most determined chef. There is simply no reason in 2008 that a childless wife needs to (or should want to) stay at home.
And worst of all is when I hear this from a woman with a degree. To me, what did you go to school for then?
If you want to stay home and become a published author, start your own business, or even get a degree from home, then I can understand. Your actually not a stay at home wife, your in school or working from home. But I can’t think of one other valid reason. Again, this same argument does not apply to women with children.
What would you say if a guy said “I don’t want to work. I’m gonna stay home, cook, and clean the house while you go to work. And honey … could you pick up an Xbox on the way home … thanks.”
I would love for someone to tell me just one valid reason for the “Stay at Home Wife” in 2008!
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February 11th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
What would you say if a guy said “I don’t want to work. I’m gonna stay home, cook, and clean the house while you go to work. And honey … could you pick up an Xbox on the way home … thanks.”
I would say ok baby!! What game you want to go with that!! Lol
I can’t hate on anybody with a college degree big up’s to yall but stupid is stupid and college degree’s don’t suddenly change values and make you and expert on life. I’m sure who ever said they wanted to stay at home PERIOD came up with that idea long before they went to college. I know plenty of college educated women who make or mad six figures but would rather say at home. I would actually do the same if me and the hubby could afford me that luxury, with my crocheting and all I would make sure he had a hot meal clean socks and clean floors to walk on and good sex when he asked. Y’all youngin’s live in a microwave society so I blame the world for you thinking everything is roses and peaches but it takes more than you think to keep a house I know because I have played wifey before. Now I don’t condone sittin on your ass and doing nothing for the rest of your life, we all need a balance and it would be up to that man and woman to decide what’s good for them, kids or no kids. If my man works a decent job and we afford all the bills without struggling and getting ahead in a reasonable fashion then my butt will be at home chillin too, then one day I may write a book or create the next big talk show or make a baby or two ……….when I feel like it. and I would do the same for my boo if he asked me too!!!
Double Kisses!!
February 11th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Real house’s wife’s of Orange County is the tv show I think the wife’s are specially touched on this show (not the good kind), I wouldn’t exactly go as far as they do but you get the point.
February 11th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Sorry … I just can’t get with that. I noticed you focused on the degree aspect a lot, but that was a moot point and really just not the focus.
I don’t care if you didn’t make it out of the 6th grade, I just do not see the need for my wife, girlfriend, or whatever to stay at home and live off the fruits of my labor. I rather help clean or cook and enjoy a double income than have potatoes made from scratch every night.
No one is saying you need to be making partner at your law firm, but you need to do something to supplement them bills!
February 11th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
To be honest, I would be upset if I was married and my husband wanted to stay at home…unless he was seriously ill or had his own business that was thriving.
A woman would like to feel secure financially to know that her husband would be able to foot the bills if for some reason she couldn’t work. Not saying I condone not working just because you’re married; but it would be nice to know that your husband, man, what have you, could take care of all of the bills plus you guys live comfortably on one salary—preferrably his.
February 11th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Well I didn’t plan to make it a degree issue until you made it a point to mention that most of your friends have one and the girl who gave you the inspiration for the blog did as well. I assumed that between the two of you, that yall figure if you have a degree you HAVE to put it to use which is not always the case. What if there arent a bunch of bills,credit cards, cars, houses ect to pay on?? DOUBLE INCOME is just more reason to buy shit you don’t need and rack up more bills in the first place. I must be the only one comming to my senses but I could be on finance over load too so. But still we gonna have to agree to disagree on this one. cuz if my man say don’t work I will be the first to call my job n say F*## yall!!!
February 11th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
If my man said you don’t have to work, just write your books and I’ll take care of the home front…I’m like Mikki. I won’t hesistate to leave corporate America for good.
February 11th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Thats my point Shelia, whatever it is you want to do write a book make kids, thats your business. I wouldn’t be cool with a man dictating what constitutes “doing something” cuz in his eyes id be molly maid, buffy the body, martha stewart, and that lady that does 30 minute meals lol. I’m just saying it goes both ways I would support my man if he wanted to stay home work on a hobby and take care of home not to say he cant work but if i can bring home the bacon and switch roles so he can do what he is passionate about for a while then go for it boo!!!
February 11th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Sheila:
A sense of security is great, and I would show my wife my payment stub if it would make her feel comfortable in knowing that I could support the both of us if needed. My problem is with those who don’t just want it showed to them, but want to test the finacnially security of thier partner.
Mikki:
My friend brought up the fact about her feeling she would have wasted all that time in school if she didn’t work. Yes, just because you went to school doesn’t mean you have to use your degree, but I honeslty have to question what you went to school for.
Sure more money means your going to spend it on more dumb stuff, but damnit … I want to be able to take my wife to the beaches of Greece or chill in Paris. Thats like me not taking a better paying job because I’m afraid I’ll buy too many nice things …
February 11th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
If you have some serious passion that motivates you, is time intensive, and will contribute to our well-being … I’m all for that, but I’m not about to take care of someone who feels like chilling at home.
I want a partner, not a dependent.
If I marry Ms. CEO and she says “stay at home … you don’t need to work”, I better be starting my own business, writing a book, or raising SBM jr … otherwise I’d feel like I wasn’t bringing anything to the table.
February 11th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
I’ve only been able to depend on two men in my life and that’s my father and grandfather and now they both are gone to glory. For me, I’ll always have my own money because I don’t want to have to depend on a man for anything. This is a good topic because this is the kind of stuff couples should talk about long before they say I Do.
February 11th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Sheila:
Yeah, after seeing the response I’m going to make sure this question is answered within the first month of the relationship. Don’t want to mess around and fall in love with someone just to find out we’re not “compatible” in this one key area.
Also, the fact that we (people, not men) are not 100% dependable … might be good idea to keep that resume current and growing. Wasn’t in Waiting to Exhale where Angela Bassett gave up her career for that guy who left her for another woman.
February 11th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
I’m all for Paris trips and nice things, but what I am saying is that if we can comfortably live on one income meaning the lights or gas not getting shut off and we got food to eat then what is the problem?? I for one don’t plan on finishing college for “more money” because now days its about how to manage what you got (for me at least) and most folk can’t even do that. I want to finish school to show my children that an education is in fact important for helping them become well rounded and not getting crushed by the “man” and that’s it. My education will not be a waste if I am taking care of my children or if I am staying at home (without kids) supporting my husband in what ever he is doing. My man might be happy with me cookin and cleaning. Your idea of “contribution” is a bit skewed I think. Just because your paycheck isn’t the end all be all doesn’t mean you can’t contribute to the house. Again I’m not saying be a fat lazy person. But for example if I went to work and my man decided he wanted to stay home and work out 6 days a week and have a 6 pack for me to look at then well shit it’s a win win situation lol.
February 11th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
SBM I didn’t say be dumb, its obvious that if you have a college degree and motivation you can market yourself at anytime in life. That doesn’t mean not look at bills not have your own money and wake up so lazy that you dunno what day of the week it is to be hung out to dry incase you get a divorce because that’s disastrous and stupid , you still have to be smart about yours like shacks wife she brought a couple houses lol. For the record I will always want to live with 2 incomes because now days you really have no choice, but if im well off (which damn I think I will be by the time I get married) I wont need to work and nicca u bess believe that wont be because of a MANS money it will because I handled mine long before he came into the picture.
February 11th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
One person’s contribution doesn’t have to be just financial, but I just can’t see what needs to be done around the house or wherever that requires you to be in the house 8 hours a day.
I’m just not cool with supporting another grown individual unless they are truly being productive with their time, and I honeslty don’t see what desire an adult would have to chill in the house all day.
February 11th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Mikki:
I just want to double check … but you are completely comfortable with supporting working and supporting your man as long as he has a six pack, cooks, and cleans?
February 11th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
SBM, this topic is near and dear to the antidater’s heart.
Whereas, I do love a woman that treasures tradionational values.
And, I do realize that a woman cooking and cleaning is great and all.
I hereby declare that I will NOT be supporting a woman who wants to sit at the crib and do NOTHING. Its ok for a while. Maybe until maternity leave is over. Marriage is not graduation to idleness. Sitting on your ass and not contributing to the household is some skullduggerish tomfoolery (real words, they just sound funny).
It is oh so convenient for women to talk about equality on one hand but defend outright laziness on the other.
February 11th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Antidater, most women do believe in equality and no ones defending laziness. If both parties agree to the woman staying at home, then there shouldn’t be a problem. That’s why it’s important that this is something discussed prior to getting married.
And why does she have to be lazy if she doesn’t work outside of the home??? A lot of women who don’t work do more than just sit around all day.
February 11th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
What it all boils down to is what that man and that woman have decided what will go down in THEIR household. Period.
Personally, I don’t really want to stay home. I would prefer to work.
February 11th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Wow, well you know there are still alot of women who are tinkering away in corporate america just to pay bills until they get married as if marraige will solve all the problems they have. They still hold on to that knight & shining armour bit & Mr. Provider. Nowadays, it takes 2 decent paying incomes to have a comfortable life together. And honestly, not working isn’t sexy to me. I don’t care how fine you are, even if you have a dazzling kilo watt smile (& I do love a nice smile)– BUT— if you have no ambition, drive, passion to be a better man for you & yours, it’s just not sexy AT ALL. I can do bad by myself.
February 11th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
A man with no ambition, drive or passion is definately a turn off.
February 11th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Antidater: As usual, I pretty much have to agree. While there was a time when it made sense at it was a gender role issue, the modern woman of the 2000 should not be happy not working with no major time commitment at home. To me … staying at home to “cook & clean” is sitting on your ass all day.
Tiffany: Many of the things I talk about boil down to personal choice at the end of the day, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get up on my soapbox and throw two pennies everyone’s way.
KD: I agree. That old “come save me” mentality is old and doesn’t work. If you want to keep up, 2 incomes is what it takes. And especially being from DC with median house costs of $450k (good house is about $550K) … whose raising a family on a single income!
February 11th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Personally, I was raised to always have your own money. The values of relationships & marraige although still prevalent today, are not as serious as it was back in the day. Even if my man made mad loot and we were set for life, I personally (degree or no degree) couldn’t just sit at home and just cook, clean & pamper him. I would have to have purpose beyond that, whether it was starting a non-profit, writing books, helping him with his business or volunteering. I’d have to contribute to other places to feel fulfilled. Even if he was ADAMANT that he didn’t not want me working and that there was no need for it. You know some men seriously do not want their women to ‘work’ when they get married. I still would have to do something fulfilling. But I do agree with Mikki, defininng a person’s contribution to a relationship is in the eyes & hearts of the beholders. For one man his woman catering to him, cooking, cleaning is her contribution and all that he needes. For another man he’s turned off if a woman does’t do more. Laziness doesn’t have it’s definite perameters but what’s lazy for one person may not be lazy for someone else.
As far as degrees. I think the education behind that piece of paper is more important and it does make for a well rounded individual but a person can make low (but paasing) grades and get a degree SO… it’s really (to me) about the ambition, drive & passion in that person to strive to be a better person and partner.
February 11th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Honestly lack of ambition is unattractive to me. If you don’t work and you sit at home spending your significant other’s money, what exactly is your purpose in life? I could understand if one mate worked while the other went back to school or had some other pursuit that didn’t pay up immediately, like writing or a business. But if I’m supporting you, then you HAVE to be doing something during the day and not when you feel like it either. I don’t think anyone, man or woman, should rely solely on their mate to pay their way through life. If that mate decides one day that they like their secretary more than you, how will you support yourself if all you’ve been doing for the last couple years is chilling at home?
February 11th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
@Malayika –> “…how will you support yourself if all you’ve been doing for the last couple years is chilling at home?”
——
It’s called DIVORCE of the Paul McCartney variety. The lazy ex-spouse gets a divorce, takes half the shit, and gets a generous alimony - specifically because they had no income.
Kanye West has a wise words for those dealing with goldiggers: “Brothas, if you ain’t no chump - holla we want PRENUPT!”
February 11th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
@ kd I agree with you
@ I would like to publicly apologize to SBM for getting overly defensive about having a college degree. He swore to me its not about that…..
February 11th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
KD: I’m glad to see someone with the progressive thinking that I love. As I’ve mentioned a million and one times … Independence is just plain sexy.
Malayika: Laziness is just anti-seductive. Who wants to support another adult in this day and age?
Antidater: WE WANT PRENUPS!!! Every person, no matter their networth needs to get one! Its what HOT!
Mikki: Aww … thanks
February 11th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
your welcome you have a special place in my heart *wink*
February 11th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
I told my lady if she gets pregnant I’m not working after that baby comes..lol..Be a stay at home dad,,been working hard enough already..lol
February 12th, 2008 at 7:23 am
lol Slish go for it I would love to see a stay at home dad in real life!!
February 12th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
I completely agree with SBM. It really seems like the epitome of laziness to stay home, without child and “clean” all day long. And honestly, if you went to college, why spend a $120,000 plus on a degree to sit home? Economically, it’s just not a wise decision.
And Mikki: I hear your argument if you and your man are comfortable on his salary, extra money from the wife could produce unncessary spending. But, in this day and age, that extra salary could always go to RETIREMENT. We don’t know what the outcome of the presidential election will be, but having money when you get old is a big issue. Thinking only about the luxury of the presence could really kill your future.
Also, what if your spouse dies? In that scenario, there’s no alimony for you to live off of and then you will have to re-enter the job market after X years of staying at home to “clean”. How exactly would an employer view that? The stay-at-home mom may have a better chance of getting employed in that situation b/c she didn’t stay home and do nothing.
I understand women staying at home to raise kids. Raising kids is an important job and for some families the best way to do it is with one spouse at home. Staying home to write the book or get the master’s is also cool. It’s just the stay at home wife thing that I don’t understand.
February 12th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Minni:
PREACH!
May 12th, 2008 at 4:36 am
[...] of most (especially women) is the earning potential of their potential mate. It is no secret I am not accepting of the stay at home housewife, so the earning potential of the future mother of my children is somewhat important. There are [...]
June 27th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
I’m late to the conversation but I wanted to put a different perspective in here.
I was a stay at home wife with out kids for a while. Not by choice, we moved to another part of the country and I really didn’t do much research before moving about my field (my oversight). It took me a long, long time to find a job without a local network or an understanding of how to break into the field in this new area.
I enjoyed the break for a little while, keeping the house clean, planting a garden, cooking great meals, reading books, learning some new hobbies. It’s true, most people could find things to do if they didn’t have to work.
But it didn’t take long for me to grow depressed, and it really took a toll on my self-esteem. I felt dependent and stifled and useless. Even though money was not an issue, I felt like I wasn’t contributing, and that it changed the dynamics of the relationship. What was fun became a chore, and I began to resent that my husband expected me to take care of everything, because after all, I was home all day. I think that had I not eventually found a good job, we’d have ended up splitting up. And even though we’ve worked on it, the memories of the those negative feelings are still there.
I’m not using my experience as a judgment of others. I think that people should do what is best for them and the rest of us need to butt out. Unless we’re paying their bills, we have nothing to say about how they live their lives. We all have many talents to contribute to the world beyond a 9-to-5 gig making money for someone else.
I do point this out because I fear that often women underestimate the impact financial status has on the marriage and on their own self-esteem. It’s easy to buy the romantic idea of happily ever after that will come when you quit your job to care for your home and family. But it often tips the power balance and that leads to so many other problems. My best advice for a woman who wants to stay home is to have several serious conversations with her husband before making the decision, and find out what the expectations really are on both sides. And of course make sure you’ve got at least 6 months pay saved up to deal with anything that might come up.
August 20th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
Going to college is not just for getting a better job, some people simply enjoy learning and want to become more educated people. This is yet another example of the materialism that is polluting society. The fact that you only believe that a person is contributing to the relationship is by financial means is completely wrong. A person worth is not determined in any way by whether or not they work a traditional job. The idea that a woman should work and can replace house cleaning and cooking with maid service and microwavable frozen food is completely ridiculous. This is yet another example of america’s laziness and that our solution to every problem is to simply throw money at it and hire someone else to fix it. By the way microwavable food is not real food, and a truly good meal can take hours to prepare, our reliance on convenience food is part of what is contributing to American obesity. Having both spouses working can mean more money and therefore more money to buy things but honestly being able to shop to your hearts content is not my idea of a happy existence, it is not always necessary to have the newest and nicest things. Obviously if your financial situation requires that both of you work or if you both like your jobs then by all means you should keep them. But don’t judge the women who choose to stay home, that is also a full time job and many of the women who are staying home take on leadership positions in charitable organizations. The idea that people are wasting time unless they are working is also rather silly, life should not be focused on becoming the most efficient person or even contributing the most to society, instead they should think about what makes them happy and follow their passion and trust that everything will work out for the best. And finally the belief that everyone needs to earn money and that money leads to power and control in the relationship is an idea that only perpetuates men’s perceived dominance over women considering that men will generally make more and this idea only contributes to the idea of women’s inferiority because even when they are working they will most likely not make the same as men.
August 27th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
I can totally under stand your opinion. However I think as a stay at home wife I can give some incite to “my side”.
I grew up in a very feminist based household where I was told to “suck it up” and “don’t ever let a man run your life”. But I went through university got my BA degree in Nursing, married the love of my life and am now a stay at home wife. What do I do? Just what you might think
- Clean
- Cook
- Make
*Clean
I clean the house every day. I do different rooms on different days of the week. I do Laundry twice a week or three times the odd week (my husband is a steel grinder). I do the garbage and the recycling. By the time you sweep, mop, dust, clean car, make bed, wash kitchen surfaces, vacuum, pick up laundry/do laundry, pull weeds/water plants, feed pets, walk dog and organize; 8 hours can pass easily!
*Cook
I take my bike to the farmers market Saturday mornings during the summer for fresh vegetables or for herb seeds and supplies. And I walk to the grocery store on Wednesdays for the rest of the grouches. I get up early (6:40am) to make breakfast and pack him a good lunch. By 5:00pm I’m preparing dinner for when my husband gets home.
*Make
All of the quilts, drapes, pillow cases, shower curtain and even some of our kitchen tee towels I made. I enjoy painting a lot and have created some of my favorite pieces for my husband while he’s away at work.
I love being a stay at home wife because it suits me. Don’t get me wrong it is not for everyone. I’m not shy. I just enjoy the quite time and being able to read and do what I love
It has it’s stresses but it is not stressful on my marriage like a lot of “cubicle jobs”.
My university education was not wasted in any sense. It gives me the option to work if I ever choose so (not likely) and I met a lot of good people and learned a lot about life, society, and also about the subjects that I took by attending university.
Being a house wife is who I am and I wouldn’t change that for the world!