Single Black Male

I will take FwB for $900 Alex.

SBM this is written from a totally male perspective. The SBM (not you specifically) has way more to gain with a “cut” buddy than a SBW would. So lets not go grouping us all together.

Oh quit the dramtics SBM!!!! Men and women think differently and approach sex, love, and intimacy from a different perspective.

Maybe its the “new generation” that wishes to make us all the same operating off of one brain.

“but I’ll be damned if a SBW can’t successfully have a FwB without her eventually stalking him.”

case closed go eat your peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Anti—

NEWS FLASH. Samatha from SITC was FICTIONAL. They all lived on HBO not in real life. And yes it is a new millennium. But last I checked the “age of aquarius” which inspired many a child born out of “wedlock” and in lots of “free love” was equally a “progressive” idea that has contributed to the break down in communication and the level of relationships we in the new millennium are “enjoying”.

FwB is a symptomatic of the breakdown. But we lie and call it a new type of sexual revolution and female empowerment and male entitlement.

Oh I forgot the other category “girl can I frisk you”

i dont have a temper. Perfectly calm enjoying my redeye grande yukon with a tad bit of steamed breve 108 deg.

No one is incapable of doing ANYTHING. Adults think of the emotional, financial and psychological cost/benefit.

I’m quite capable of changing my name legally to Chaka Rufus Khan–but would be in my best interest? Would it make sense? Would I benefit?

fwB half the time don’t even work for many men. You catch a pressed man on the wrong day with the right booty and he may be the stalker.

My point is is that if it rarely works for a woman and half the time isn’t very effective for men–then why continue to tell the same lie?

Well it appears your own statistics above have spoken. Have they not?

Though you can’t make any claims on the success of fWb, then certainly you dislose some of the emotional and psychological risks (and for ANTI –financial as well)

I would think on some level the greatest risk is being desensitized to the REAL ONE. I mean with all the “FWB-ization” going on are you still able to be discerning?

But hey do you if the reward far outweighs the risk.

And the irony and from my own observation (with cousins, friends of friends, boyfriend’s friends etc)…most men don’t want women who have “mastered the art” of FwB. Their purpose and role is limited by the vary defintion.

and Fwb has a conditioning perspective.

I’ll take SBM vs. Comeback for $1000 Alex.

@CBG: Let’s run with the stats you posted. Approximately 50% of FwB situations don’t work out. Sounds like marriage (50% divorce rate) - by that argument FwBs trump marriage. Less time intensive and definitely less costly. Don’t take my word for it - ask Paul.

I take “I’ll Be Damn’d” for $1000

FwB is just a cut with a platinum card

yeah that was being nice. I mean it looks like everyone pretty much loves the Fwb=Cut Buddy idea.

I’m feeling more liberated even as I type.

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LMAO Its so sad that actually sounds way to familiar, I been FAB clean for 11 months now I don’t want to end up back in rehab just for $7.99 breakfast 4 minutes of pleasure once every 2 months if im lucky!!!! I would rather eat dirt!!!!

I am turning SBM ova to Tiffany she will be much better to him than me ….

(Crying) bye guys….

NO C.O.D’S visa or master card accepted

Anti I need to see some testimonials. Thats always an easy sell. I’ve read one or two blogs who say it “works” for them. But I read on and other parts of their love life sucks.

I’m sorry the trickle down theory does and should apply to great fwb. If FwB works then every aspect of that situation should equally work. Its what you signed up for.

I should also read about rates of conversions. Cause in every FwB’s life there comes a time that you just want to slow the party down. I have heard of some instances of FwB turned BF/GF but its a rare instance…kind of like finding a half off sale at Jimmy C.

@comeback
My sista Im almost offended you have not read any of my post. the “samantha” charachter from sec in the city is very real and very much alive here in the north east. And there seems to be a black equivilant as well. I find that a good amount of black women I have dated since becoming single , dont want the hastle of having to upkeep a relationship but want to call you when they need to go out or be entertained. They want weekend fun partner that is not labeled as a boyfriend, and someone they do not have to have sex with but someone who is enough of a catch to say to their friends and family that they are dating. yeah I have met about 10-13 of these in the past 8 months so its not like I am making this faction of woman up. Im pretty sure I will run into more in the comming months.

as for statistics? I have kept a log of how many dates I have been on (for any woman under 5 dates) their race and job and a brief description about them. Am I a dating Nazi? no , but I am going to write an editorial about all this when Im done so I just have the random info laying on my pda for me to view. so I have dated 32 women since september 2007
of those 32 I am FWB (but dont have sex with) 1 SBF for 5 months
“Dating” 1 White baby momma for 5 months
“dating” 1 SBF
cut buddy with a “cougar”

only been out with 4 white women, all of which have gotten me into bed and left me afterwards.
Have only been to bed with ONE of the sistas.

The majority of the sistas wanted to still hang out even after giving me the “its not you ..its me” speach. thus relegating me to a lower than FWB role since they dont actually “care” and you arent intimate but still date should the need arise.

modern dating in the north east

“I a dating Nazi?”
no but you just sound hella busy. I’m sure SBM will find your statistics right up his alley. Are you and he related?

SMB sounds a little like me, but we are light years apart. The 25 yo brotha thats been single for a long time is not the same animal that the 30 yo brotha who just got out of a decade long relationship.
Where as I could hang up the spurs tomorrow and remain single, as I have already played house and the whole 9 yards, he will prob get bored of being single and want to settle down when he gets my age.

we are related in that ll of us IT geeks stick together!
I would say todays sista in the north east wants DoD (date on demand) but always has a cut buddy stashed somewhere far away that nobody knows about…. at least it seems that way to me 0_o

@comeback,
32 dates is busy? i put a profile up on 2 dating websites. no kids, a job, over 6ft, single black male @30 seems to be a shortage of people fitting that description… Im average looking and a huge geek and I get that many “first” dates. sistas just like to be able to say they went out. out of 32 women and 30 first dates< I have only had 5 2nd dates. more than half of those who did not have a 2nd date wanted to “check in” on me after we stoped speaking to see if I wanted to hang out or come with them to an occation/movie or buy them dinner. this is why I say alot of sistas want a date on demand without giving the all important “care” and “booty” parts.

I am definitely with Shelia on this one, I prefer a steady relationship instead of FWB (which has one too many blurry undefined lines once emotions get involved)

“CBG crushing force”

not in your wildest dreams fool.

Interesting points/discussion here….Allow me a moment to throw in my nickel minus three pennies.

Cshine pretty much nailed it with her comment about the FWB concept. Being in relationship much like anything in adult life…..it’s WORK. Having a FWB is basically wanting that CEO/corner office/mahogany desk/corporate jet/ career with the effort of a drive-thru attendant at the local fast food joint.

It’s not going to work out in the long run. Here’s why; sex is not, I repeat NOT just a physical act. Regardless of what people want to believe or have convinced themselves of, having sex with someone creates an emotional bond/attachment to them. Even if it’s just for a moment (meaning after “the act” they can bury that memory and lock away that emotion that was stirred).

You keep that up for long enough, toss in the SBM’s FWB (benefits)list and either you or the person that you are “involved with” are going to have an uproar of emotions to deal with in the future. One of you is going to end up jumping ship, or risk the possibility of things getting ugly (see: CBG comment about “stalkers”).

Who “wins” in that situation? What is gained? I’ll tell you what is gained, it’s the gratification of physical pleasure and the added benefit of a faux relationship that you’ve manufactured in order to fulfill your own personal needs….without actually putting in the work to have a real one.

IMO it’s the definition of wanting to “have one’s cake and eat it too.”

right now i prefer to be alone, but i do not want a friend with benefits! it’s either we do this thing or we don’t!

plus, when most people get into the “fwb” situation, it’s more likely that one person is in in more than the other, waiting patiently for something more to evolve. like having a cut buddy, sometimes, both parties aren’t willing to stick to the rules and then feelings get hurt.

great post though

“the FwB is more catered to the male’s view of love & sex”

Ladies…lets all clutch our pearls right now….(GASP)..

SBW My memory is quite good that is not what you said a little more than 24 hours ago.

Well, I had a FwB once… He’s still my best friend but we cut the benefits part of it. Problem was, I liked him as a brother and not as a potential boyfriend… Bigger problem was, he liked me as a girlfriend.

We went through enough crazy moments (him jumping on my balcony, and spending a whole night in his car outside my apartment) to realize that, although it was nice (the sex was GREAT!) it just isn’t worth all the drama…

It’s not a matter of whether women vs men can have FwBs… It’s more a matter of individuals, personalities, sensibilities and the likes… I have seen more guys get clingy than girls…

As of now, I want the friendship, the great sex AND the commitment… Not trying to weed through some bad sex to find a good one every 3 months or so…

SBM says: How come everyone is so convinced feelings will be caught? You can have feelings for your friend … isn’t that OK?

No, that’s not okay. What happens when one person wants more than the other (usually the woman)? Someone is going to end up hurt. It’s best to not mix sexing with your friendship. Either be a friend or be my man…but a friend with benefits is not a part of my agenda.

SBM: And it does take a very good understanding of the person and the situation for it to work, and also it shouldn’t be permanent. Its should be a temporary ( < 1 Year) situation.

Temporary feelings…never tried that. Maybe that’s something men do. I don’t know about others but I don’t have a switch on my feelings where I turn them on or off. A FWB, even when both parties know THE RULES, still leaves too much room for hurt feelings.

Hasan why does it have to be about sex? Why can’t you go out and have a good time. If the relationship progresses than so be it…but when you equate paying for a date and getting sex as the reward, it’s going to be a lose/lose situation.

i know this conversation died a long time ago but i just want to say I’m pretty offended by the fact that some women on here are claiming that women can’t participate in friends with benefits situations or that its somehow not useful to us or that we will get involved emotionally (probably the most annoying of the falsehoods here). To those women I would ask you to speak for yourselves. The times that I have participated in a FWB situations it was the guy that caught feelings and usually that was because he found out another man was seeking to enter into a relationship with me and I was receptive. I have yet to just omg begin to yearn for the man I start having sex with after I have sex with him and I reject the hypothesis that this even happens with women the way people claim. Usually if a woman “develops feelings” for a man after sex, the feelings were there well before the sex. The sex didn’t cause any emotional attachment, sorry.

And not to offend any of the women on here but I tend to find the woman who just find it oh so impossible to ever have sex without emotions coming into play are women who place way too much of their esteem as women in relationships and their “value” to men. Most of them care so much about their so called stock being lowered by sleeping with a man without real commitment or boyfriend-girlfriend labels that the very thought of FWB doesn’t seem beneficial for them. A lot of us, really I would venture that most women of the younger generation, could care less because we know the women who participate in FWBs and the like who are supposedly ostracized for life from relationships and marriage usually go on to have more successful relationships than those who don’t. This has to do with a confidence factor. I also think a lot of the woman who can’t fathom why a woman would want a FWB relationship are the ones who don’t have particularly hard careers or studies and perhaps don’t have bigger priorities other than finding a man. I know personally if I invite my FWB over to give me some dick, when I’m done and he keeps it moving, I’m right back in my MCAT books lol

you must live up here in the NYC area, its a way of life up here. I may never be married