Single Black Male

Thats it im moving to DC… because buying a lady a cosmopolitan here in the cosmopolitan area… is 20. Same with the drink of choice appletiti.
I have noticed the worthlessness of this as I have never slept with a woman I have gotten a drink for… actually let me back that up… I have never gotten a date with a woman I have brought a drink for at a bar/lounge/club… wait.. let meback that up even further… I have never been given a phone number for a date by a woman who i have bought a drink for at a club/lounge/bar….. ok that covers it.

True story of the simp-ness in effect here…. men I hope your sitting down this ones gonna be a kick in the ball to ya…

Upon becoming a newly single lad lastyear i jumped at any and every opportunity to get out of the house. I was at a grown and sexy holoween party and was doing my usual.. sitting against the wall making fun of the 20somethings.. and a cougar in training came over and started to converse with me. She seemed cool and asked me for my number so we could get together and have fun like this again. She calls me that wednsday and tells me her and her girlfriends are all going out and wanted me and my buddy to come along. The story goes.. it is girls night out but “you guys are cool to come” now I shoulda stoped right there… girls night out usually means time away from men and women with men arent single and available. but my simp ass went anyway… I even made my buddy go telling him “dude theres gonna be like 8 jr cougars and just me and you thats gonna be frikkin awesome” (yes I talk like that)
We go to the club and wind up playing “guard dog” for all of these ladies. We where cool to dance with, we where there to go buy them drinks and talk to for a bit… but we werent gettign any or going anyplace with them and our job was pretty much to be the safe guy who cock blocks all the other non safe men from getting anywhere with them. so it was like being on a date with 8 women… I spent about 120 in drinks and that was on top of the 200 thursday night I had on my date the previous night (another story) SO I have just spent my weeks take home pay just to not have anything positive to show for it and I wasnt even starting my weekend yet.
I am starting to feel the same way about first dates as well. From the guy who has been on as many first dates as I have. when you pay for them ALL it hurts, and hurts alot. there is no reason why we buy women drinks…. black women actually out earn US on average… so shouldnt they buy US drinks? the only reason why you bought a woman drinks in the old days was because men looked at and treated women as inferiors which they clearly are NOT in this day and age.

Ok I know I should not laugh but damn this was a really funny post and a good comment by Hasani. From “THIS” woman’s perspective when I was on the single scene (and quite young and immature at the time) getting a guy to buy you a ‘drank’ was a game to us, it was all fun. I don’t think me or my crew at the time ever slowed downed to take the time to view this from a male perspective. At that time in our lives we were: if you want to buy a drink for someone you don’t know then, that’s your biz we’ll take it. And before you start with the gold digger comments think about this first; you were after something as well when you bought the drink, so men are not innocent in this either. Now that I’ve grown a bit and understand how relationships work when I go out now I’m upfront with the guy I let him know I’m married and just here for some fun with the girls. Sometimes the offer for the drink withstands other times he rolls on either way no one is left under false impressions. I look forward to reading more of your posts.

“you were after something as well when you bought the drink, so men are not innocent in this either

True. Men know what their intentions are when they offer.

If I know I’m not interested, I don’t accept the drink. Now I do have friends whose sole purpose to go out is to have guys buy them drinks and get mad at me when I say that’s not right.

Jazzy, although I’m single, I am usually upfront myself and will tell a “thirsty” guy that I am just hanging out with my girls. Perhaps because I have the mentality that all men (especially younger) want something in return for a $8 drink (I don’t live in a cosmopolitan area). However, to comment on Hasani’s concluding remark, men still feel superior to women. So let me put you on some new game, it’s not for every female but works for me. I’ll start conversation with a guy and if I’m impressed with what he has to say, I’ll buy him a drink. Externally, I believe the guy is genuinely admired by my independence, however he is now in an inferior position. Therefore, he feels obligated to “man up” and buy all my drinks for the rest of the night. Again, this is not a guaranteed method so if you try this, please proceed with caution. Yes, SBM…the games will continue…

@ antidater - What was up with the comment to Shelia? It seem to contradict your last sentence.

@Neonnea: It’s not a contradiction. My point was that the “buy you a drank” game is a “WIN” for women because it directly gets them what they want but brothas with sex on the brain have a lot further to go.

I agree with Jazzy. Ladies: bring your own loot to buy your own dranks. Stop drank-hustling! Men: if you feel led to buy a drink, let it be just that. Stop club-stalking chicks! You did something nice for someone else and it may or may NOT lead to further action.

That is all.

@ Antidater…lol…whew that’s a lot of work and all women need to have is a big butt and a smile and we’re in there

@SBM-Unfortunately there are some women who like to play games. Even if you buy the drink and get the digits doesn’t mean she’s giving you the right number and yes, some of us have “club names” where if you’re not someone they are really interested in they will give you a name like Maranda when their name is really Lisa.

This is off topic but you mentioned about not paying over $20 for dates. I just told one of my friends today that dating doesn’t have to be expensive because they were complaining about it. I think it’s okay when it comes to first dates instead of going out to dinner, do lunch instead. Lunch is less expensive and that $20 can go a long way.

@Shelia: You can’t trust a big butt and a smile. Women complain about guys that try not to spend $ on dates. You may say that only golddiggers do that but then that would mean that most women are golddiggers.

Dating math: Phone Calls + $$ Money spent $$ = Level of Interest.

you women are on some shit. why cant you buy ME a drink?! I dont have a biolgical clock and you all make mre mney on average than we do…. so why are we buying the drinks and then you have nerve to suggest we shouldnt expect anything in return. how about you drive over to nj and wash my clothes for me… your a woman and your supposed to thats your role in life……
didnt like the sound of that? No neither did I…. because me saying that is about as archaic and mysoginistyc as you saying buy you a drink because we should or its the nice thing to do “as a man”
when did Misandry become a gold standard for our sistas? Hasani… what does that word mean, its a word that should be used more often but its about an issue that nobody wants to address so its not brouht up…. same as the issue we are talking about.

Im still waiting for the black female rasoning as to why we should be buying drinks in 2008 since they earn more on average than we do…. I could toss gas o nthe fire and say “we carried you guys for the past 200 years” but I am not one who cares about my forfathers actions or past I just care abut “my” society in the here and now.

SBM: I have told you , I am pre programed to be nice and suck up to women. Its not a concious action so I never know when I am, oor care when.. I am being taken advantage of in an overly extreme situation. But on this situation I know I am not the only man who has played guard dog for a pack of women. you just looked at the situation as you went out and tried to score with someone and didnt where as I am observant (and also writing down my dating life on paper) and called the situation what it was.

Dating was expensive and I am FAR from a baller. I have spent more than I earn on many weeeks when I first started dating. and of 35 women I have encountered the only one who I am actually still seeing is the woman I took advice from a friend of mine and I am cold and distant to her and have not bought her a thing and check he very often….. I cant make this stuff up.

But for these 20 dates? HAHAHA yeah right. most women I encounter feel entiteled to more. If I meet up with corporate sista who is watching girlfriends and sex in the city… do you really think she is going to let me take her to get a slice of pizza and hold hands while walking in the park? Answer is no I tried it… I even tried the “lets go to a movie” thing and that always is a bad first date and they always want to go to a loung/fridays afterwards and get drinks anyways.

They don’t know if they want to be the “chilvarizer” or the “chilvarizee”…. nor do they know how to take an “L” without penalizing every other woman for there misjudgement.

Hasani…here’s a cyber hug (but it’s going to cost you a drink…lol).

The Comeback Girl said it best: I don’t NEED a man to buy me a drink, however if done correctly it signals interest just like a myriad of other things.

Men and Women are equal, but different. A couple of weeks back there was the post about meeting people in the clubs, and the new set of rules once inside. That definitely applies here.

When I go on date with someone, that means I have respect for her and our time together, and pay for dinner. It’s my responsibility. This is usually a situation where I met them in school, in a book store, at the bank, a concert or through a friend. I know that they have a certain level of quality beforehand, and when I go into a club with them, I will be thrilled to get the drinks if I like them enough. In turn, it means I’m enjoying myself. I have no responsibility toward someone I just met…but still want to have fun with.

I want to spend time and money on quality women of my choice, and it’s very difficult in the specific environment of a club to gauge that quality. The club offsets everything. Don’t get me wrong, when a woman gets my attention, I approach quickly, and strike up as much conversation as I can while in the club. If I really do feel her, we can go ahead and get drinks, and if I like her enough based on my judgments, I will get her something I think she’d like. However, if she asks me to buy her one, it’s almost completely out of the question. I spend money on those who I know deserve it from me.

It’s not a guy’s requirement to buy a girl he just met in the club a drink. Or even in a bar for that matter. It fosters the feeling of obligation on the drink-receiver’s part, and sometimes false hope on the guy’s part. If a guy knows what he’s doing, the girl will stay without any drink-buying. In fact, that same guy can just as easily have a girl buy him a drink. That situation is actually better for everyone, but that’s a whole nother story.

I prefer white women!?!? See there you go talking without thinking again. the lord blessed you with a set of beautiful brown eyes but only one mouth me mum always said. If you go back and read I think I have said not only do I prefer black women… I prefer DARK SKINNED BLACK WOMEN……… but I think last time I said what type of women I like all you could hear was.. “OMG KIM KARDASHIAN IS WHITE….WHAT…. SHES NOT WHITE? WELL CLOSE ENOUGH…. DIE DIE KILL KILL” come come now my sista if I am goin to read and actually listen to what you write.. please do not skim what I write to you and then fill in the rest with what you want to hear.
just because I am suburban dosent mean I prefer white women. I sound “white” but Im not stupid, I know at the end of the day the woman who looks like me will always have more affinity towards what happens in my day to day world than the woman who dosent. stryfe is part of our everyday life… I know this and so do you.

Shelia… finally some love? oh skippy thanks

grown man’s drink out of a sippy cup? I saw that happen in the literal sense on an airplane last night.

How can you print something and still skim? you took the time to copy and paste yet DID NOT READ WHAT WAS WRITTEN.
let me spell it out for you and put in dramatic spacces.

white women work just as well as black women (statement)
…….. (extended Ellipsis )
OK (resolution)
I cant even say that over the internet with a straight face

WHAT
A
LIE (in reference to the statement)

What more can I say to you? You will wonder why men dont hear you but you never stop to let us speak. theres a seperation between conversation and waiting your turn to speak my darling. I think SBM addressed it in this post

http://www.singleblackmale.net/2008/03/21/say-hello-to-the-bad-guy-men-get-no-breaks-in-romance/#more-65

” It seems that many of these “potential queens” seem to have baggage. They seem to expect him to treat them bad, sleep with them and not call, and overall disrespect them.

>>>>>>>>The more he tries to prove to them he is different, they say “bullsh*t”. They tell him “Your no different”. But he continues on.<<<<<<<<<<<<<< (how do I make this text bold?)

Now he can’t take it anymore. He is tired of trying so hard and having women blame him over and over again for the wrongdoings of blatantly bad guys.”

What is relevant in the above is that we as black men speak and nomatter what we say you only hear what you want to. we haev a COMMUNICATION PROBLEM. Its amazing that every time I bring up a problem in our community you lovely sistas contradict me but then several posts later bolster my theory! I say you dont listen and you only hear what you want…. you then come back and say I said I “PREFER WHITE WOMEN!” Perhaps you misread and are trying to recall of bad momory…. we all know how it is we arent young anymore. but that wasnt the case… you then QUOTE ME and STILL READ IT WRONG and put it on the internet for everyone to see. why cant you listen to me? why cant women in general listen to the voice of the black man and not just the one thats portrayed on TV and in your god damn books?

wanna know even funnier? same thread… take a gander at what this gander wrote…

“….dont get any older my brother, it gets harder and more darker as you age. and if I can be a tad racist for a minute, the WHITE WOMEN are the worst. I have been out with 5 white women in the past 7 months. all have taken me to bed and wanted nothing to do with me afterwards, but would talk all the junk in the world about how they always wanted to meet a nice guy like me, and they needed a good man in their lives. all of which seemed to fly out the window the morning after the first orgasm came. I really have felt “used” by that praticular group, so I am staying away from the 19-37 white women for the forseeable future.” -post by Hasani

I have been out with almost 40 women since last fall and 5 of them have been white….. but I prefer white women!?!? I even feel racist sometimes and I shouldnt be because thats “sum ignant shit” but because some black man walked down the street holding a blond haired blue eyed cutie and you were home on that saturday night with a double date with Ben and Jerry…. DONT HATE ON THE REST OF US because of your envy and contempt. and while we are at it, dont beat me up for what “joe thug” and “Shareef D Hood” have done to you either.

I dont take a baller type angle on my dates. I make alot less than the normal corporate brotha (because I always settle and never argue dating and corporate lives are pretty similar) I cant even attempt to “ball out” but I always wind up doing what I can … wait… dramatic pause for something you may miss…..

TO BE NICE

yes… theres nice black men. Obviously you will miss me saying that and take is as I beat women in my spare time and have sex with asian callgirls or something… but I did actually say I always try to be nice even to the point where it hurts me in the long run. takes balls lady to rant on and on about brothas being assholes and being cheap and me reading all of your blogs and you all talking about money in one way or another then saying what the good brothas are doing wrong is being nice and treating sistas?!? someone shoot me… pelase. how can you look like me, feel like me but not even understand my voice as a single black man? help me help you.
you know damn well if I asked any of you out and said lets go to the waffle house insted of taking you Windsor court or the cheesecake factory… you would have a fit and then I would be “that mutha fuka” who was cheap and disrespectful on a first date.

I gotta get back to work, you have my bloodpressure up. Im gonna go back to looking at pictures of sexy dark skinned sistas on myspace who I am obvioiusly not interested in… ill holla…

@Hasani: Woo saa! Say it with me brotha! Woo saa!

I dunno. im still going to continue to be nice until I hit 50 dates and then I will start to listen to the rest of my brothers. So I will just continue to be a “simp.”
I honestly think being a decent man works better at 31+ than 17-30. Money and muscles and a display of power works for the younger ages. I am feel and am taking the approach that women after 31 will initially be turned on more to niceness than bling. Bling will keep them… but as for getting them towards you they appreciate the nice talk and the smile and asking how they are. but then again WTF do I know since I have yet to bed any of the non white women I have taken out so dont go by my ideals… hehee

And more annoying is trying to school anti and sbm because your’re like 4 years older!!!! Sometimes I wonder if YOU have the sense God gave a knat. I’m sorry but you talking NONSENSE.

First of all you have never addressed if you and Hassadah are related. I would like to know this. It just seems odd that you both seem to blog right after oneanother and disappear together for days. Are you able to answer that?

How can you expect anyone to really take you seriously with this: “WTF do I know since I have yet to bed any of the non white women I have taken out so dont go by my ideals… hehee” or run on sentences that aren’t really coherent: “I make alot less than the normal corporate brotha (because I always settle and never argue dating and corporate lives are pretty similar)” I mean WTF did you just write??? I’m confused.

So I reach for sentences …not phrases that just go head on into each other. I mma be honest 3/4 of what you write I don’t get even with my self-diagnosed ADD. I mean sometimes a period, semi colon, a hyphen and character return SOMETHING would make it more readable. SO I MUST SKIM.

Past all that. This is a blog. A blog is just a glimpse of most people’s lives. Its a snapshot. I can be a little abrasive but my tolerance is low for a mile a minute logic and sentences. And I listen to the men here. There are times (few as it may seem) that we all agree. And there are times when we don’t. It really isn’t that serious. If you feel slandered I apologize but only if you will through some periods or colons or something up in your posts so I can understand it.

I realize this is a passionate discussion. But if I cant understand what the hell you wrote , then I can only be reduced to skimming or what I think you said or I could just click on that little minimize bar when your name comes up.

at least we now know you dont listen to anyone when you dont want to.
thats the first step.
I love how I continue to be nice and try to get you to be civil and direct us back towards something meaningful and fufilling for us as a people, and you are just set on bashing and using snide comments. I appreciate you pointing out my many grammar and punctuation problems….. if you were only doing it out of compassion and not because you are trying to avoid someone pointing a problem with how you are interacting it would be groovy.

so lets recap.
I make a point

Comeback says my opinion is invalid because “i prefer white women”

I comeback at comeback by saying I prefer black women as previously posted…

comeback posts where I said I prefer NOT to date white women and somehow in a twisted warped way reads it as “I LOVE WHITE WOMEN” this goes hand in hand with “Kim kardashian is white…. wait… shes middle eastern? ”

I point out the flaw in comebacks post

Comeback attacks my grammar and my age and then starts asking if I am related to someone just because we both have an H in our name….. (yeah that came out of left field and made no sense to me either) but continues to not address either points I made or the main topic.
comeback then tries to make it seem like I am “schooling” people who are 4 years younger” christ divide and conquor.. are you hitlers daughter or something that tactic is so 1900’s missy. we have seperate views the 25 year olds and the 30 year olds. just like the 19 year old and the 24 year old are in totally seperate areas of life as well. but you wouldnt know that because your
SKIMMING.
how about this.. if you dont understand something. shut your mouth……

and listen

and try to learn and understand… then comment. it worked in college so why wouldnt it work in real life?
I would like you and the rest of your ladies.. since your the self proclaimed leader. to try and work with us… you know the black men that god put here on the planet wit you… and figure out some of the issues we have in our cultute.
so we can find out why women expect us to buy them drinks like its 1930 but dont want to be treated like a mindless opinionless nonequal like women were in 1930.

like why women are more responsive to bad men and men who treat them cold but hate and abuse us poor simps! (and then come on forums and blogs and complain “omg there are no good black men”)

like why you only hear what you want to hear even when we say something different?

like how do we expect to raise children together and work together in corporate america if we always have this hostility and lack of respect between us.

@SBM I knew this post was going to set Comeback Girl off…lol

I usually tell men they don’t have to buy me a drink we can just chat. Plus I am cheap and I look out for others too. I am that woman in the club that says, ’save your money’ or ‘ we can eat with the drink money’. I know I am little country, but I really don’t see the point in spending $8-15 on a drink.
If we are trying to get to know each other we can do it over a nice breakfast after they club and maybe even spend less.

I know this never happens to most men, that is why when I tell men this they always look at me like a ‘deer caught in headlights’…lol Now if you want to get more than conversation(like sex) then a drink is not going to get it. Pay some of my tution then we can talk…just kidding:-)

Good Post!

Ms Devereaux what are you saying? I know I am bout to start a fire storm but can we be honest since its just you and me here blogging???????

First of all I’m not really the clubby club type, just because there are tons of club stalkers and men with unreasonable (sex) expectations. And it IS their playground which is why I like a restaurant lounge better. But if a 10 dollar watermelon martini (grey goose) at Legal Seafood is gonna set him way back enough to not offer if he is so inclined, do we really need to be talking?

A man that is going to nickel and dime me over a martini will do it in other areas just as well. First of all why would a man just be going up to a bar and buying random women drinks? Thats not how the situation should go down. Its like we’re usually sitting he comes over to chat. I feel him. We are chatting, maybe know some people in common, he’s told a few good jokes. THEN he might offer. To me its atmopshere too. If we’re talking about T-PAIN on the one and twos, and dude comes over sweatin and chillin leanin over the bar. And he’s debating on buying drinks then yeah I can see the problem. The scene is set for a slightly different conversation. The rapport is different. Expectations are lowered–nobody should be really surprised that you probably won’t find a boy/girlfriend at H20, and 35 minutes before the bar closes.