Single Young Male: That I am …
Posted by: SBM in Men, tags: change in social norms, immaturity, Marriage, Men, Relationships, single young male
It’s 1965 and you’re a 26-year-old white guy. You have a factory job, or maybe you work for an insurance broker. Either way, you’re married, probably have been for a few years now; you met your wife in high school, where she was in your sister’s class. You’ve already got one kid, with another on the way. For now, you’re renting an apartment in your parents’ two-family house, but you’re saving up for a three-bedroom ranch house in the next town. Yup, you’re an adult!
Now meet the twenty-first-century you, also 26. You’ve finished college and work in a cubicle in a large Chicago financial-services firm. You live in an apartment with a few single guy friends. In your spare time, you play basketball with your buddies, download the latest indie songs from iTunes, have some fun with the Xbox 360, take a leisurely shower, massage some product into your hair and face—and then it’s off to bars and parties, where you meet, and often bed, girls of widely varied hues and sizes. They come from everywhere: California, Tokyo, Alaska, Australia. Wife? Kids? House? Are you kidding?
Taken straight from an article entitled Child-Man in the Promised Land, this article goes on to explain the “problem” that is the new creation they call the “Single Young Male”, or SYM for short. It goes on to describe the new “man-child” creation that has shirked the responsibilities he father and father’s father held at his age and how he is enjoying a newfound freedom in rebellion of well established “social norms”.
While I can’t agree with the overly bleak outlook “apparently all SYMs are bums and may never learn to be men” … I do agree with this powerful and important shift in social norms.
Another quote I found interesting:
“All woman [want] is security,” she quotes an early Playboy article complaining. “And she is perfectly willing to crush man’s adventurous freedom-loving spirit to get it.”
Truer words have never been spoken! Well … just like how there was a well earned and well deserved women’s rights movement earning women many long denied and well deserved rights and justices, this new age has allowed us new rights and privileges that were deemed as unacceptable a few years ago.
There are certain components which are unhealthy, but overall an article like this helps to explain the male infatuation with Friends With Benefits and the hatred many women seem to have with the concept.
I am happy to proudly say I am a Single Young Male. I am in my mid twenties, make very good money, own and play my Xbox regularly, love to go out, love to drink, own property, have a motorcycle, and am enjoying my independence and freedom while rarely thinking of things like marriage and children. I do aspire to achieve these things in my lifetime, but I don’t see a need to have either one by 26. I guess I’m “living the life”. I think men of the past saw the need of a female to help him achieve things, but with the extreme demands of the new “corporate world”, I think many of us see a wife and kids as a burden or something holding back our personal success.
From my experiences, a lot of comments, and testimonies by friends … the mid 20’s seems to be an extremely interesting and turmoiled time for men and women. On one hand you have women still ready to settle down and have a permanent fixture of the opposite sex in their life, while we … the male … want to f*ck, drink, and play Xbox. The 30’s male seems to be more similar to the mid 20’s female … but maybe thats just me. Maybe in another 100 years it will all work out.
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May 5th, 2008 at 7:45 am
Yes there has been a shift in male responsibility. However, this trend can also be seen in women. I was married at 24 young yes, if I had it to do all over again yes I would have waited (I would have still married the same man just waited a bit) anyway we are going on 3 years this month with no desire to have children yet. Whereas men are reliving there second childhood, women are waiting to have children later in life. Men and women ultimately want the same thing but the difference comes in that men think marriage also means children right away. This is just not the case women now have roles outside of the home and are taking time and considering all aspects of motherhood before deciding to start a family.
So the important thing to remember is that women’s right made it possible for you to have that second childhood, i.e. women being allowed to a fair wage like men (this was not possible back in the day) also, women are no longer entirely dependent upon when for their finically we
May 5th, 2008 at 7:45 am
sorry that end was supposed to be well being
May 5th, 2008 at 8:06 am
Its more on women than men.
“”you play xbox and read graphic novels.. your a kid!!!”
Umm no. while my father went out and hung on at the pool hall and my older cousins went on the block to hollar at the hoes…. my generation stays in the house and uses the tools of home got entertainment. Like stated oh so many times if I have to choose looking for sex or xbox… guess who wins?
in my old life my ex used to complain about me “playing on the computer” but I actually use the computer less than most men in the old days watched TV. I guess tv is more acceptable?
and as you can se the rate of children being born hasnt droped, dispite the advances we have in birth control in abortion. so its not like we are not fathering children.
Let me sound like a bitter old cus that I am….
right now I would be a father… but women always want MORE than what they have. They can make money like men and dont need them so they want something better than what common man has to offer.
May 5th, 2008 at 8:52 am
Hasani: You do need a hug in real life!
SBM: “All woman [want] is security,” she quotes an early Playboy article complaining. “And she is perfectly willing to crush man’s adventurous freedom-loving spirit to get it.”
You or the author of this article couldn’t find a more creditable source?
May 5th, 2008 at 10:04 am
I think it’s best for both men and women to wait until after they’ve gotten “that” (”that” means different things to different people) out of their system before making a serious commitment such as marriage. If you wait until you’re really ready to marry, it may hopefully cut down on adultery and divorce. Some people get married too early and end up divorced because they want to see “what else” is out there. If they would have taken the time to see that while younger (teens and twenties) it wouldn’t become such a big deal later on in life (i.e., midlife crisis).
May 5th, 2008 at 10:12 am
so its not like we are not fathering children…
Men don’t have an issue having sex and fathering children, the problem is some of these men aren’t taking care of those children. But that’s another topic for another day
they want something better than what common man has to offer.
You don’t have to be rich to be my man (although rich is good…lol) but if you’re a bow wow and don’t know how to treat a woman with respect, then of course I want something better. Better has nothing to do with someone being as you would say “common.”
May 5th, 2008 at 10:14 am
@Jazzy: The feminist movement did NOT help men - that was obviously not the intention. Women have taken the positive results from the movement and have shed many of the undesired responsibilities.
@Neonnea: Playboy has great articles.
This was on point SBM. We haven’t shed sufficient light on how advances in women’s lib movement affect dating.
May 5th, 2008 at 10:40 am
@antidater inadvertently it did, without the feminist movement women would still be totally dependent on men financially. NOW that women make a little change on their own it ALLOWS men to explore options outside of the conventional road of marriage children, family life right out the gate.
May 5th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Ummm…Jazzy. Men had the option to “do as they please” before. The women’s lib movement enabled women to obtain financial security and assets on their own terms without the assitance of a man imho. Women’s lib did not benefit men with the exception of additional income per household.
Women may have children later because of their career (or lack of preparedness) - a career that may not have been as fruitful pre-movement. It was frowned upon but acceptable for a man to remain single but unfortunately women who were 40+ and single were considered old maids. I would agree that an equal Society is a better society but i don’t buy the notion that I benefitted from women’s lib - that’s rubish.
May 5th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Men gained nothing from the feminist movement… and yet still women still want the abilities they had before. for instance my father paid for dates with my mother because my father MADE 4 times what she did, she washed his clothes though and cooked for him to offset … now that the SBF makes more money per year than the SBM why do we still have to pay for dinner? and why cant she cook either but will be really quick to order out (order out and expect me to pay the bill at that)
women dont depend on men now so we are viewed more as a novelty and not a necessity. A LOT of the sistas I have dated this past year, I really felt I was around just to “show off” and not to be an actual companion. “Oh oh look at me I have a man Im dating mom!” but I cant think of more than a handful who actually took a step out there and tried to love.
and why would they? theres not a pressing need too.
May 5th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Preach Hasani! I think we finally agree on something.
May 5th, 2008 at 11:01 am
“so its not like we are not fathering children…
Men don’t have an issue having sex and fathering children, the problem is some of these men aren’t taking care of those children. But that’s another topic for another day ”
first.. how did you use bold text?
2nd.. Im sorry.. did the name f this site chane to young thugs.net? cuuz ast i checked this was a frum for single black MEN. and we raise our children to become killas and kings not leave them to be raised solo by a generation of women who cant cook or show compassion, and think its all good to leave them in kindercare so they can have their 3 hours at the spa or lounge afterwork everyday.
this is NOT the 90’s anymore. if we (the black men) dont raise our sons NOBODY will.
I dont know what books your reading but ALL my crew got they kids.
and we all pitch in to help out our crew. I keep my “nephews” and “godsons”on the regular. moms always out at the club chillin like its MY child. u have this shit so backwards
May 5th, 2008 at 11:08 am
Hasani, I can’t reveal all my secrets:) but it’s an html code.
Oh how I wished what you said was true about some “young thugs” but unfortunately they are not the only ones; there are some professional SBMs not taking care of raising their kids (like I said that’s a different post and maybe one day SBM or myself will address it).
May 5th, 2008 at 11:20 am
once again skimming and not reading
We are talking about men. just because you have a corporate job dosent make you a man… just because you live at home with mom and are unemployed dosnet make you a boy.
for the last time women.. MONEY IS NOT THE CURE FOR THIS GENERATIONS PROBLEMS
sotp with all the romance novel crap and chasing after every don with a dolla and actually look for traits for a mate and not a sugar daddy. if I skim every one of your blogs you all mention men with a “job” and same with every profile on eharmony/match and bpm. Yet you never see the same from the fellas.
My biggest wish is that emotionally we can get todays sista to where we are… and drive wise in the career path we can get todays brotha to where the sista is………
wouldnt you want to live in that world with me too?
May 5th, 2008 at 11:25 am
@antidater yes men had the option to do as they pleased before, however I still contend that now they no longer feel the need to settle down as quickly, same goes for women. You don’t believe you have benefited from women’s finical freedom, well then how has it affected you adversely
@Hasani “we are viewed more as a novelty and not a necessity” to an extent this is true I felt this way until I met my husband. I can not speak for all women but when you find that man, it is a necessity that they are in your lives on a daily hold you down and vice versa
May 5th, 2008 at 11:25 am
Hasani, the fact that women earn as much if not more than brothas means that the bar is raised for brothas. That’s nor a good look. It means that you have to go above and beyond the call of duty…
May 5th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Jazzy is kicking real talk..but ya’ll not trying to understand it.
May 5th, 2008 at 11:59 am
@Jazzy: Women’s lib has raised the bar to ridiculous levels for men. The goal for a woman was to maximize the expected earnings of her future household by picking the right mate and supporting him. Now, women can support themselves but the goal is still similar: maximize earnings and other benefits. This has created an “acceptable golddigger” culture where women want to get treated like we lived in the 1950s; work, earn, and own like it’s the new millennium; and retain all the new benefits while discarding the frowned upon activities of the past.
Personally, in dating this means that I pay despite the fact that a woman can afford to do it herself. It means I have to call and do more to prove my interest. It means I have to be more outgoing, ambitious, and “interesting” to distinguish myself. It means that a woman must NOT be expected to be submissive, cook, clean, etc. In short, women’s lib means that I pay more and do more and while less is expected.
May 5th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Hasani do you ever think that MAYBE just MAYBE you haven’t done some of the healing work required to just get out there and find a replacement. You mention your pigmentally challenged ex of 10 years in about 1 in 4 of your posts, I think thats telling in and of its self. Sure maybe you should be out there duty dating, but you need to modify your expectations a wee bit. I don’t think you can really replace ANYBODY.
And I’m going to be more honest and say that you aren’t just an everyday “simp” that you wear proudly. You mentioned keeping your play “nephews” and “godchildren” when their mothers are chillin at the club. I mean your “simpation” goes beyond dating–they are also evident in other personal relationships. Maybe you should practice setting boundaries with your play or actual brothers. I’m all for being nice. But not at the expense of your own personal time and emotional well being. I mean did your mama and daddy ever tell you about self-preservation and balance.
May 5th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
@anitdater: That’s how you men are genetically wired to WANT to take care of us. Women are genetically wired to WANT to be TAKEN care of. Men are still men you still want to prove that you can to all the things listed in your previous post. Women are still women we want a man that can STILL do all of those things. As far as the whole cook and clean why if you can pay people to do this. This happens to be an argument my husband and I have but the fact of the matter is WOMEN work outside of the home now. Stop being selfish in expecting us to be able to work plus do all of that. That’s the beauty of a two income household I can afford to pay people to come one or twice a week to take care of that.
May 5th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
@TIFF from H-TOWN thank you girl for getting it your sister from Microphone city TEXAS
May 5th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
That’s how you men are genetically wired to WANT to take care of us. Women are genetically wired to WANT to be TAKEN care of. Men are still men you still want to prove that you can to all the things listed in your previous post. Women are still women we want a man that can STILL do all of those things.
Jazzy, that’s true. A woman likes to know that her man could if the situation came up he could be her protector, take care of her, etc. It’s not that we can’t take care of ourselves, because as some of the men have pointed out–we can.
May 5th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Anti’s Translation: Women don’t have to do anything outside of working AND being taken care of. You can just hire a maid and a chef and go eat out - good things to do in a recession. Women get to cherrypick the benefits from women’s lib while still seeking to be “taken care of”. If things don’t work out - women get half. Not a bad hustle.
Seriously, women are talking about checking their pen*s’ at the door and eschewing traditional roles. Sistas are sounding more and more masculine with that kind of talk. (Hint: I didn’t introduce the “check the pen*s” phrase).
May 5th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Where is Comeback? I am waiting for her thunder and lightning but i just don’t see any.
May 5th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
“The 30’s male seems to be more similar to the mid 20’s female …”
I figured this out some time ago and that’s exactly why i date men that are either ABOUT to turn 30 or have already passed that 30 threshold. I don’t date older than 8 years older than me though…beyond that it kind of creeps me out…lol
May 5th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
@antidater: What would you have the woman do? Its obvious you want a woman to cater to you. I’ve got no problem with that. For example, our shower in the master bedroom needs to be re caulked hubby tore off the old caulk it has been 4wks and he has yet to recaulk.
Options 1 go slap off because I would like to use the shower in our master bedroom
Option 2 recaulk the damn thing myself (which I could do BTW)
Option 3 LET A MAN BE A MAN (which is what I am doing)
“- good things to do in a recession.” Sarcasm not needed as things get tighter we will both have to make some concessions, but if my hubby things that me working fulltime, going to grad school part time, AND working a PRN is going to come home and play Susie homemaker he is mistaken and would be wrong to ask that of me. I don’t ask NOR require more of him than I am willing to give myself
And as far as females sounding masculine we work in a MAN’S world being feminine will only get you taken advantage of.
May 5th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Comeback: my ex comes up because I spent one third of my llife living with her. an amature dater like yourself cant understand that type of commitment so I will just not try to explain it to you. how can my stories NOT start with her?
2nd I mean… I take care of my nephews because I can . I help my friends and “fams” and the little guys need more males in their lives. whats amazing is insted of trying to figure out whats wrong with the sista ppulation you blame the MEN for wanting to raise and spend time with the kids??? calling it weak and “simp” like. FUKIN AMAZING!!
amass all the money you want, dont complain when one of these young heads from around the way robs you in 10 years. you will ask why is he so angry, and its gonna be because mom was in the club & in the spa insted of being able to “handle her bidnez”
Last I checked the american dream was NOT being a 34 year old woman who was single with a nice ride, gucchi glasses and a swanky coach bag wit no famliy
May 5th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
@Jazzy: I actually agree with you on the Susie Homemaker comment. I do think it’s absolutely ridiculous to expect a “dinner on the table” from a working woman. What should men expect? What is simply out of the question?
May 5th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Hasani - big ups for spending time with young black men. That’s what’s up!
May 5th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
@antidater: My husband comes home to a cooked meal at least once a week. You know why because once a week I can make it home before he does. So instead of resting because I’m dogged tired I try and do something special for him. He in return most of the time does not complain that I don’t do this on a regular.
Men should expect to take an honest look at there expectations are they reasonable for the woman you want to offer a commitment to if not both of you are going to have to compromise.
May 5th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Anti: PREACH IT BROTHER!! I mean seriously…. most of the women I have dated either make over 80k or WIL make over 80k. my bring home in 2006 was 26k. may sound like alot to you people in the south but thats not alot here in north jersey. anyway… why do I pay when I go out on dates? why do I have to open a dr for you when you have more body mass than I do? and you see what we get for doing what is above and beyond right? nada… LOL
and forget this recession talk. its not really about the money. our family and love lives suck as a community. Im gonna wait for the first one f you to say “pssh gurl my love ife is banin I dunno what u sayin”… so I can cyber slap you. I said AS A COMMUNITY.
Yall make more $ but who the fuk cares, if you dont have a well adjusted kid and a home you share with a man you love in the suburbs? my father went to work and did it HARD every day to support his family. our sisters today go to work for gucci and coach.
Unacceptable
May 5th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
@Anti: What is unreasonable is INFLEXIBILITY. In the example you just gave, which seems a bit sarcastic actually..:)
Dinner on the table is quite reasonable. Expecting dinner on the table 7 days a week, even on a night where I have to work late or help kids with homework is unreasonable and INFLEXIBLE.
Wanting a clean house is reasonable. Throwing a bitch fit because I went to bed one night and left a few dishes in the sink is unreasonable and INFLEXIBLE.
The main issue is folk throw around all these sterotypes about what women expect and do and what men expect and do and common sense is thrown out of the fucking window. Communication, PEOPLE, communication. There is a happy medium.
But you have to actually TALK, in order to figure out what your happy medium is.
(And I do NOT appreciate the the little counter telling me what my available space percentage is. NOW THAT’S UNREASONABLE!!!!!!!)
May 5th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
@Hasani usually I try to give you the benefit of the doubt because you have simp tendencies but in this case please hush up, you are way off base on this one.
May 5th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
“Last I checked the american dream was NOT being a 34 year old woman who was single with a nice ride, gucchi glasses and a swanky coach bag wit no famliy”
I wouldn’t know because i’m NOT 34 nor am I technically single. I don’t really consider myself to be an ameteur dater either. The only difference with your definition is that I Didn’t need to sleep with them all as an attempt to up my conversion rate to the next date or feel good about the process. No one is denying that you come across as a nice guy but you lack a certain amount of self-awareness, maturity and perspective. For example you bring “pigmentally” up alot, the things you did for her, the hours you were willing to work to keep her and a “not even concieved child”-but why did you break up? Just a question???????
May 5th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
“Anti: PREACH IT BROTHER!! I mean seriously…. most of the women I have dated either make over 80k or WIL make over 80k. my bring home in 2006 was 26k. may sound like alot to you people in the south but thats not alot here in north jersey. ”
I agree with Jazzy. Hasani I think you bring a certain amount of LACK of self-esteem to the table. And you onvercompensate for being a door mat. I have NEVER EVER EVER dated for income. When it comes to a man’s profession or career I date for passion. Its a turn on for a man TO REALLY LOVE HIS WORK. Where I’ve lucked up at is that most men who love what they do, make a great living at it or is poised to do so. (this is not rocket science). This is also what attracts me to friendships-do they do work that they are proud about or makes them feel good or are they always bitychin about “the man”. And here is a news flash (dirty south or no dirty south) according to the census 26k is only slightly over the poverty level.
May 5th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Hasani, SBM has not given me enough space to respond…but I will say this…26k. may sound like alot to you people in the south
Hate to tell you this but 26K is not a lot for us folks in the south either.
It’s good that you’re there for the young ones. More men should do that. Money doesn’t replace spending time with kids.
Believe it or not there are still women who wait until after marriage to have kids, so that there are two parents with the hopes of raising a “well adjusted kid.” Most people work to make a living.
It seems like there is an issue because some women are making more money than somen men. Anyway, I have to stop typing because I’m running out of space.
May 5th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
@Comeback Girl CHURCH
May 5th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Hasani said: Yall make more $ but who the fuk cares, if you dont have a well adjusted kid and a home you share with a man you love in the suburbs? my father went to work and did it HARD every day to support his family. our sisters today go to work for gucci and coach.
I say: No disrespect intended but seriously you are on that bullshit. Seriously.
I’m 34, drive a nice ride, and have a Coach purse (in fact several) and because I’m childless and without a husband then my life has no meaning or validity. GTFOOHWTBS. I don’t work for Gucci and Coach. I work because I make bills and them shits need to get paid. I work because I have a mortgage. I work because I have almost retired parents and a brother in college who has a young daughter and needs help. I work because I like nice shit and since I’m not blessed with a two income household I have to pay it.
I’m single by circumstance and not by choice. And the circumstances aren’t ALWAYS my fault.
May 5th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
“And as far as females sounding masculine we work in a MAN’S world being feminine will only get you taken advantage of”
This is priceless and true. If I’m gonna work, i might as well be half way good at it. Part of the problem is that SOME black men haven’t figured out how to navigate the system and use Black women (the vary women who ALWAYS let them off the hook) as the scapegoat. I agree with Shelia as well, this is why two parents are essential. As well as raising our black children equitably regardlessof gender- NO ONE IS GETTING CODDLED IN MY HOUSE.
And SHYT lets be really honest women’s rights/liberation wasn’t really slam dunk for black women.
May 5th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
And another thing (since we gots these damn SPACE limitations) why are women who actually have some fucking standards looked as as oddities?? Yeah, I’m a little warm today about this here but some of Hasani’s comments are outrageous today.
May 5th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Tiffanny, I’m with you. I’m not lowering my standards just to say I have a piece of a man. I’m beginning to think Hasani likes the attention because he knows we’re going to say something.
May 5th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
@Comeback Girl AGAIN CHURCH!
May 5th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
I think the problem is when black women believe that ALL black men think like this. I can’t believe I got wrapped in this none sense AGAIN today. I think any one could have a man or men (on rotation) who just wanted to be the victim. Or spew stuff their mama told them (because we all no how special black men are to their mama’s even at the expense of being accountable and responsible). Black women have raised the bar but so have their respective mama’s. Many black women aren’t raising their son’s to be great fathers and husbands (she still conviencing him about how so very special he is. And chilvary??? that aint even in a single black mama’s vocab.)
May 5th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
@ Comeback keep preaching like that and someone may catch the holy ghost
May 5th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
I can’t wait until this project is finished and I can really get into these comments again instead of having to read up hours of arguments and then fail to speak out with the own limits that I set myself. *sigh* … the pain of actually having a real job that makes me do work … ah well.
BTW … Does everyone really really hate the space thing?!?!?! I can remove them if that will make everyone else’s life easier … but the inner nerd in me likes to revel in my little bit of java script trickery and the niceness of it all … but as I believe … the posts are the only thing that are mine on this site. I’ll try and take it off tonight if I get home at a decent hour.
May 5th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Wow…i am starting to think this is a blog for Single Black WOmen.
@Comeback: On the benefits of women’s lib, navigating the system, and being coddled. Women’s lib helped white women out more than any other woman. I would venture to say that women’s lib helped black women a lot more than it helped black men. Black men are perceived as a threat in Society and especially in the boardroom. Black women are double-minorities, but the fact that they are not the same type of threat gets them “different” treatment. Note: I am not saying better treatement - just different. This increases the ease through which a black woman can navigate through the system compared to her male counterparts. Personally, I have experienced man instances of discrimination in the education system and the corporate world. The “coddling” you refer to is the desire for black mother’s to not see there sons lynched or treated unfairly by Society. Some of it is very misplaced.
May 5th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
@SBM: Yes, the space thing sucks donkey balls. Not to say I don’t appreciate your skillz. If you lived here I’ll be you’d have other skills I could appreciate as well…:)
May 5th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
@Jazzy & Anti: I half agree with both of you. The woman’s lib movement has helped a lot. Because women are more independent, there is not this huge burden of me to take care of one of these “poor females” and make sure she doesn’t start because she can’t earn a decent wage. Besides, I wouldn’t be able to have as much pre-marital sex (don’t strike me down Lord … I’m a good man) if I had to subscribe to some of the stuff the generations before me had to go through. The only people sleeping around back then were drunkards and womanizers, and since I like my “respectable young man” title … I have gotten a few benefits.
@Hasani: I see we’re spitting fire today. Its good you take care of these kids, but … sad to say … triffling n*ggas are just as much to blame as these trifling b*tches. There are plenty of bad dads for the bad moms. But I do agree, that there are a lot of overly independent women that just don’t fit the wifey role well. And I’m still waiting on those emails.
May 5th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
OK … I’m ending it tonight. This is my 3rd comment.
@Sheila, Comback, Jazzy: Yes its cool to be independent, and I’m glad you have achieved everything you need on your own, but I’m starting to think two type A personalities are just hard to merge.
@Comeback: I know you check your penis at the door, but who even wants to hear that out of his woman. And I bet you it jumps out and swells up every time there is a serious argument or he asks you to make him a sandwich. As much as I like to think I exist in a dichotomy for other characteristics, I am one person and overlap is inevitable.
@Jazzy: I actually do agree with hiring people for help if you can do it (Sorry anti). You generally seem to have a good mix of holding down a good household while actually keeping your husband happy. The thing you have to realize is … your married … 95% of women out here just aren’t willing to go through that much trouble for a boyfriend … cause “she don’t need him anyway” and all that BS.
May 5th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Also, while women’s lib has helped even us guys out a little … Women definitely game the system like sh*t.
You can’t be equal partners when it comes to getting your way, saying what you want, working, and all that good stuff … but then decide then give up your “equality” when it comes to paying a bill, opening your pocketbook or picking up the phone to call him for once.
It is extremely annoying to meet so many women who want to feel “soft & pink” yet let their dick hang out the rest of the time.
I always said I wanted a Claire Huxtable. She was a lawyer, smart, well spoken, but seemed to take care of her husband, house, and family so well. As I have grown older, I see why she only existed in TV. No way that good of a lawyer could raise 5 kids in one house and still break Bill off all 20+ years.
*sigh* … guess I have to give up my pipe dream.
Guess I have to choose between the money or the softness.
And really … WTF was I thinking with this limit. 98% already!!!!!!!!!
May 5th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
SBM, i think you hit the nail on the head: No guy wants a chick with dick, two type As just don’t work, and women are claiming the benefits from women’s lib but scratching the traditional stuff they did off the list.
Btw, a lady friend of mine said that Claire Huxtable fcuked everything up for sistas. Go figure.
May 5th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
As a temporary “fix”, I increased the limit ten fold.
You can go ahead and put up that essay Comeback. I need something to read as I drink my after lunch coffee.
May 5th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
“@Comeback: I know you check your penis at the door, but who even wants to hear that out of his woman. And I bet you it jumps out and swells up every time there is a serious argument or he asks you to make him a sandwich. As much as I like to think I exist in a dichotomy for other characteristics, I am one person and overlap is inevitable.”
WELL HOW WOULD I articulate that on a blog through osmosis or the “power of suggestion” ? Every soft and pink woman who is successful in the working world with an active dating life DOES IT. I just thought I’d feel you in.
The last time I checked my interim man does not read this blog (well actually I am not all that sure since he did find me on your site when I was in MIA). And he asked why I was looking for “single black men”…anyway…its nothing something a woman just comes out and says, its implied. And its also in little things like his grabbing my hand when we cross a busy “M” street in Georgetown. I could easily try to step out and dodge traffic (every man and woman for him/herself), but I take his hand and let him lead (its a soft and pink thing), again something I don’t find myself blogging about, or even talking about. its just IS. I also don’t DEMAND things. I observe and modify my behavior when I’m not getting what I require. But in the real working world, I demand to the day is long. I sometimes tell my “boss/client” what we are GOING to do. I wouldn’t think of telling my man what he or we are GOING to do….. At least not with my words.
May 5th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
or fill you in.
May 5th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Hmmm I seem to have struck a nerve with my last statement. and as I thought… and also stated. more people are either trying to slam me… discredit me or even better defend themselves (since it was a direct attack at them or something) insted of recognizing the issue/problem and dealing with it or trying to hash it out.
Man anti I dunno bro. I am still hearing the same thing over and over… $$$$$ (makes register ringing noise)
black men have to “step up” because the bar was raised? what bar? the income bar?
WHO CARES ABOUT THE INCOME BAR?!?!? How about the Happyness with family bar? betterment of my genes? (no Tiff… Geans… not Jeans.)
ok let Uncle Simpy do the math for you….
your way:no matter how much more you work your 50,000 is not going to turn into 80,000.
My way: Work WITH me and add the SBM’s 40,000 with the SBF 50,000 and now you can make more long term plans. look you can buy a house and dump $ into 401k and use that $ to bankroll the startup for that business you had in mind.
and seriously. I dont need your pedigree for an online forum. I mean who cares about the breeding and income unless you have it all and have kept it all. The goal is house in the burbs with well adjusted kids and a spuse that loves you and friends that like you. the sex in the city shit is played. the fact that most of your views on “what is success” starts with your damn pedigree and income is summed up in 1 word…. shallow
May 5th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
comeback. I have a hard time seeing you let any man do anything. im not calling you a liar. but many times you dont even want to hear what us regular black men no the bard are saying and have even admitted it. you attack before you think and you blame before you reason. thats not a siggn of a rational healthy “partner in love & life imo.
but then again your friggin hawt so I would make exceptions if I were him too … (hey im just bein honest)
Bask to main topic. Men are not regressing to children. women make it harder for men to appear to be progressing by making the whole household thing harder to achive. (point)
(example)Insted of being a loving husband, owning a large home in south jersey+ beach houuse, holding a PHD, having child and happy with his mate for 16 years at age 32 my best friend is nw your archtypical single brotha living in a small apartment at 34 years old. wha happened? wife left to “upgrade”when she noticed she didnt want to be home she wanted to be in the club and be with a man who made more than a tiny 90k. my best friend… lets call him my mentor.. now goes to the gym plays Xbox and slays coochie left and right without care.
heres so many other moves he could have made if his mate stayed. he wold look just like our fathers if not even more of a success. but now he appears t be a BRAT with a good job at 34.
we need to find a way to make us as a nit more compatiable or we will all look friggin stupid when we are 40. cuz I know I feel stupid now at 30.
May 5th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
@Comeback: Was that even in response to my words that you quoted me on? You didn’t really talk about your penis showing its head every once in awhile. I don’t want to be playfully wrestling around with my woman in bed and have to worry about being put on my stomach and taking it in the arse.
Hasani just pointed it out, but I find it extremely hard to believe you suddenly “turn it off” and get all passive around your man. I bet if he was here to comment (which he is more than welcomed … send him the url … lol) he would say you try and check him every other day. Didn’t you break into his email account, read his messages, and then started to get mad when he brought it up 6 months later (like such a huge violation of trust is to be easily forgotten).
Lets be real … your penis is never checked … it just goes a little limp once you walk inside the house.
@Hasani: Maybe you need to be out here slaying the p*ss too like your man. Remember … your not a real simp if your smashing these girls you buy dinner for.
May 5th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
@Hasani: I really wasn’t trying to slam you at all to be honest. I was trying to show you how your words are imflammatory and distract from the essence of what you are trying to say which is (I think) that men and women should build together.
But I’m labelled as shallow. If I was REALLY shallow, I would be out here juicing niggas for their ends and assorted goodies like all those chicks YOU seem to attract.
Grown women have gotten past all that.
May 5th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
@Tiffany: “Juicing niggas” … HA HA HA. IDK … I heard ya’ll Houston women ask for a lot (someone from Houston honestly told me that … he was pigmentaly challenged though).
Also … I do got a few special talents that don’t come out over the blog … and Houston is only a short flight away …
May 5th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Hasani I hear you and I appreciate what your saying…..how is that??? but this is not group therapy-but would make a great documenatry, sitcom, or adjunct to your “research book”. I understand too that we all come to the table with our little quirks..Some MUCHHHHH bigger than others. Since 19 i have had two successful relationships lasting 2 and almost 3 years. And I have dated alot. Most people don’t really know what they want. In my mid to late 20s I didn’t date to get married. I dated to figure who best suitd me.
I’m not PRESSED to get married. And it certainly won’t compromise my judgemnet. I think I’m holding up well for 33 and as long as my ovaries stay strong i’ll be OK. Peoplel are living longer and waiting to have children Black folks are no different. Some people aren’t comfortable in their own skin and hate being alone-Me I’m an only kid and ejoy doing stuff by myself. But I also look forward to having kids and a husband. I have a desire for balance. I’m all for the team but I NEED my own identity. And I look forward to taking a hiatus from the daily visionary grind-to being a wife and mother. I know people who are successsfully doing it as modern day couples, and my frame of reference is more than just the Cosby show.
SBM: I apologized for the email stuff. It was wrong. On top of not finding anything, I broke trust. But please believe that women snoop. But I do believe that you really don’t have to do that…time, behavior, intuition does show all.
May 5th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
This here following statement is from an Anonymous male writer which was written before this post was known to me I was having a conversation with this person via email today and this was his direct response to a statement I made, I thought it fit into this post ironically, just another males thinking on what seems to be the same subject matter.
I am in the market to marry a rich woman and still would not like
to have one. I am not looking for a so called wife, I am looking for a
campaign manager, cheerleader, chairman of the board, and constant
supporter. See I want someone to work with, to build with. I do not
want you to have and me not to. I want us to grow. I believe divorce
would be less if we both had the same plans to get to the same place.
Then you build on something far greater to a man than love ” Loyalty.”
I know it sounds weird, but if we bought a corner store together.
Both putting in a equal share, then we see each other in the store,
the paint, the groceries, and the struggle every day. I want some one
to build US up, to another level. I find Caucasian women do this a lot.
They push husbands for promotions, to buy their own buildings, to get
the write job. I would rather go through a divorce and separate
property and houses, and cars instead of, the dishes and the dog. If
you believe beside every good man is a good woman, what does it say
when their are no good men? No good women?
May 5th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Tiff we missed ya girlfriend where u been?????? I’m nosy aint !!!!
I had a response to the above statement but I will not post it unless someone here actually cares what I said back.
Anyways Hasani my man u need to get your weight up on the income side bruh, I wanna know how u living on 26k a year and doing all this simping!!!!!! what u got like 1 xbox game, one controller??? I mean are we doing playin Halo 3 and Grand Theft auto (Trilogy) on a 13inch??
May 5th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
SBM, if type A means I have NO TOLERANCE for BS, then I guess I am. Just like you don’t want a sorry woman, I don’t want a sorry a** man.
Hasani, I’m not sure whose comments you are reading but I don’t see anybody on here who I would consider shallow.
Antidater/SBM, I can’t speak for white women, but black women have been “Claire Huxtable” since as far back as I can remember—black women have always made sacrifices for their families (husband and kids).
May 5th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
Hi Mikki-I been um ***looking around*** umm busy. I don’t know how I feel about brah mans statement to you. On some level yes, marriage is about doing well and progressing as a couple. But he is taking it to an extreme level. I mean I want to know too that you deeply love me as a wife (Not a Small Business Association or a micro lender). And that you are loyal to ME and our FAMILY and not my motivation to start a business with you.
It sounds heavily money motivated and non self-reliant. I mean to me marriage is a yin and yang of the self and the whole. There goes that word balance again.
May 5th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
oh Mik I just re-read I’m comeback!!! sometimes I slip being another Tiff and all.
May 5th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
comeback I had a response to him I will post it in a minute but, this is coming from a BLACK professional small business owner 40+ years of age 1 teenage daughter later. take all he said for what you think its worth lol I just thought I would add it coming from another male out side of the three stooges we got here…. cough cough sbm, anti and hasani
sike I love yall smart black strong *crazy* brothas!! that was a joke dont shoot me!!
May 5th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
lol @ comeback we know u got split personalities its ok u can be Tiff today and roxanne tomorrow lol.
May 5th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
@shelia never truer words were ever spoken
May 5th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
^^^ Roxannne Shante or Roxanne from Sting?
May 5th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
Mikki, it sounds like he wouldn’t be comfortable with a woman who is successful unless she helped him be successful in a joint venture. The thing is, if that’s the case, it’s not the woman’s issue. The issue is the man. Her success shouldn’t take away from his manhood.
May 5th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
lmao COMEBACK iono just pick one!! shat!!!
May 5th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
Oh I forgot to add, that more than likely he has come across a woman who made him feel inferior. That seems to be the case when I hear men say things like that.
May 5th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Shelia I took what he was saying basically as “We NEED to work together” Period maybe I can get him to come here and clarify but this was my response …. and what I said back I meant it whole heartedly.
With the principles outlined that (other races) use, yes our culture is far behind. I blame the women for not uplifting our men. I am guilty I must say. But I have come to a point where I just don’t have time to be a cheerleader, I have a hard enough time cheering for myself let alone a man who possibly has plans of “jumping the fence” after I help him get a leg up. I know its wrong but I have had my share of “Bad men” I haven’t givin up and eventually I do want to be that woman who motivates her man, but at this point I have to focus on me. If im 35 and your 35 why aren’t we on the same level already? Other cultures I think have it much easier than us in the broader sense of things most of us grown up in single parent homes, uneducated moms and dads, not living even by middle class standards were as (others) get left inheritances or college funds or stocks left to them or simply have 2 parents in the home 2 incomes or simply the husband realizing that a wife at home brings value to him getting “to the top” if our men could see that we will support you as long as u can kill it and drag it home if you not willing to kill it then a sista gotta get up and bring her own food in or else WE don’t EAT!
our culture is in the every man for them selves mentality and is long as we live that way we will never get ahead.
May 5th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
and SBM My feelings are hurt and I am nicely asking for a sincere apology about the “length of the comments” I told you it didn’t help yet you dismissed my statements and phrased me as comebacks “Side kick” saying we are the only ones complaining… Now U get other peoples opinion and suddenly U wanna change it. I am personally hurt.
*crying*
May 5th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
Mikki, thanks for the clarifiation. I don’t know; maybe the people I know aren’t normal, but most of the couples I know are supportive of one another. Even when I’m in a relationship, I do my best to uplift the man I’m with; but we’re just a small ratio of people.
The “every man for themselves mentality” is not limited to male/female relationships…its definately a race issue…its been that way since slavery it seems and it’s a problem that won’t be going away.
May 5th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
right shelia I meant that in a race driven way
May 5th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
@Mikki: Hey girl, thanks for asking…I’ve been busy at work and on the go at home..but I’m back!
May 5th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Miki. Funny you say that. I was GIVEN my xbox by my brother since I was a wreck after my breakup. I have ONE controler and the only game I have was given to me by my magazine. and I didnt get my TV from my old house so I play in a 15inc black/white and its fuzzy as hell so I miss people all the time when I shoot. my team hates me but keep me around because they claim Im funny
so yeah I have no flasy shit at all, I am officially a scrub! but fear not, miss ER just ordered me GTA4! so this weekend SBM and I will be running around NYC hitting hoes with baseball bats and stealing cars.
Comeback: I just noticed you are confusing “pigmentally challenged” miss ER and my EX of 10 years. I bring up miss ER because I have been on 10 dates with her and she is the current longest running.
NO…. 2 and 3 year relationships dont impress me. but you on your website in that yellow outfit… now THAT shit impresses me
May 5th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
lmao Hasani I am mad that I was right on…. but im glad you getting GTA4 somebody trying to upgrade you thats great but wtf with the tv??? u need to stop simping and start pimping!!! if u gonna date Phd’s n doctors make them pay for some shit!! I am just saying there is a lesser of the two evils and I hate this coming from me but now im certain you need intervention!
May 5th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
oops forgot my point… went off on a tangent again.
Our grandfathers held shit down. they were loving husbands and buit deep family but broke their backs and died early going all out… but left a great legacy.
Our mothers comming up with less overcompensated and desired more money. so mom and dad worked hard to make all their money and became black yuppies. but the dads cared more about making that $ and pleasing themselves and made poor parents and poor friends. mothers raised most of us themselves…. which is not the way to raise a family. So our mothers made sure the sons would be more compassionate than the fathers. made sure we cooked, sewed , and catered to a woman (more than we should) while they taught our sisters to succeed so they didnt need a man. go to school, make the money and get what YOU want…. oh and never taught you how to cook or be compassionate.
now we have a generation.. OUR generation. not this shit in your god damn books of romance, or on the silly movies. Im talking about Today 2008. this generation of single blacks 22-38 flat out sucks. we are so not doing this right. Obviously I blame the women. why? because I can. but seriously.. the men still earnm enough to have a house and child with support…. but now we are more compassionate and know that family trumps having a black card. so whats changed in our society to make the divorce rate higher and the marriage rate lower if the black men are the same as they were before?
May 5th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Hasani, a wise person once told me when you point a finger to blame someone, there are three pointing back at you. This is a subject that folks will disagree on depending on their sex so say what you want to but the truth is WHAT IT IS.
May 5th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
forget the wise person, lets use what we see everyday and the numbers we have in front of us. that wiseman didnt have that shit, he didnt even have college, wikipedia or common sense.
I can fully admit that men fucked up the 80’s and 90’s from a family perspective. Im a realist.
May 5th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
also what is with that dudes hair in the picture? lookin like sonic the hedgehog on my segaaaaaaaaaaaa!!