**About a week ago, we received an email from a reader that was in a tough spot regarding her next career and relationship move. Her situation parallels what many of us have encountered at some point. For today, I will keep it simple. Her question followed by my response. -Slim**
Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 18 months now. We’ve been friends since our freshman year of college and are heading into our fourth year now. I graduate next spring and will be continuing my education somewhere else, to get my J.D. and MPA. He is in a 5 year engineering program, so he has another year where we go to school now and hasn’t yet decided if he wants to work or go ahead and get his Master’s too. We love each other, communicate well, and enjoy spending lots of time together. He has even said he would like to marry me and I feel the same way (although we are not engaged at this point).
My question is, should I go to grad school out of state or stay to be with him? My boyfriend says that he will come see me no matter where I go, and is encouraging me to do what is best for my education; but that if I choose to stay he’d like to move in together. I know I would really miss him if I leave (we already spend summers apart because he lives in Houston, and I live in Atlanta where we attend school). Also, I know grad school is going to be very challenging and I’m not sure if I can deal with the multiple stresses of academics, missing my family and friends, and missing him too. I don’t mind staying because Atlanta is my home, and there’s at least one school that is pretty well-ranked nationally for what I want to pursue. The biggest obstacle is that my family and several of my friends would say that I’m putting my dreams on hold to play house.
I’d just like an objective opinion on the situation. I’ve heard of similar things with people I know, but there was always a big drawback- e.g. the girl decided not to continue with school at all, the boyfriend was abusive or unfaithful, etc. Thanks for your time!
My Response:
When you have deep feelings for someone, it can really cloud your judgment or make you do things that you wouldn’t normally do. I’m not too far removed from college and I can remember dating a girl a year ahead of me that went off to med school elsewhere and the strain it was putting on us before she even left.. I also dated a girl in college who was three years behind me that moved to Atlanta after graduation because that’s where her family was. I was and still am located in Boston. You can imagine the difficulties that caused. Needless to say, both of those relationships ended even though I thought they were the greatest thing since sliced bread at the time.
Now I’m not saying that your relationship will end, but coming from the perspective of someone that once thought he found “the one”, I gotta say that basing where you go to school on where he will be probably isn’t the best idea. He still sounds somewhat unsure of what he will do ultimately and 18 months really isn’t that long a time. I’ve personally seen people date from freshman to senior year of college then break up despite the fact that everybody around them thought they would get married. Your primary concern should not be based on your family, friends, or the hubbykins. You should be focused on what’s going to put you in the best position to be successful.
Today’s Discussion
What advice would you offer to this reader? Have you been in this situation and what were you willing to compromise to ensure that the relationship was successful? Do you think that distance relationships can work? Please keep the responses to this one respectful for the reader that wrote in.
Slim “I put this blog post together from the beach. My signature will be back next week” Jackson
I have been there although it wasn’t grad school…it was college…I had been w/ boyfriendd my entire high school career and was entertaining colleges. I had gotten several scholarships and I really wanted to go out of state. HE wanted me to stay close because I had already spoiled him to having me in his life daily… So, I decided to follow my heart instead of my head and went to a school in Houston (I was in Dallas at the time) in order to not move too far away from the love of my life…he followed his career plans completely independent of my location and is now working overseas doing exactly what he has always wanted to do, oblivious to the sacrifices that I made for “us”…we were together for 10 years, married for 9 months and I am back in Dallas, a divorced, single mom making my life an example for my son…the ONLY regret I have in my life is not putting myself first all those years ago. He later admitted to me that he held me back on purpose out of the fear that I would outgrow him…SMH…
READER, I am not saying that this will be your life…just be mindful that it’s realistic a possibility that your sacrifices, compromises and tradeoffs for others’ consideration may go unappreciated…so often, we take a backseat in our own lives and by the time we regain control of the wheel, it’s because we’ve hit a bump in the road. He is willing to let you pursue your original plan, investigate that… This is a big decision and you need to weigh the options WITHOUT external input…your loved ones are living their lives, you now have to live yours.
Best of luck…GOODY
I would say you gave some pretty good advice. The girl should do what’s best for her, and try not to care about what her fam or friends would say. She should think long and hard about her priorities and which route she should take. Hey! She might decide her relationship is her #1 priority. To each its own.
l’d bounce out n reconnect later. LIVE!
I’ve been there with my last college boyfriend. In the end, I decided to go to my dream school for graduate school, which meant that we weren’t together. Now 5 years later, i think back and it was the best decision for the both of us.
If she and her boyfriend are meant to be, then the distance between them won’t hurt their relationship. And if they aren’t, but she decides to forgo the opportunity she really wants for him, she will be resentful. I say go for the opportunity you really want.
1) All of the advice so far has been pretty on point. In the end, however, you are going to do what you want to do, but I hope that when you take heed to the comments that have been made thus far.
You say that he has talked about marrying you, but the truth is you two are not engaged, so you should not conduct yourself as if you are engaged or married. Your bf also seems like he cares enough to be supportive of your decision to leave if you should choose to, which is great. It also seems that if he is going to get his MA he is going to make the decision based on what would be best for him academically and professionally, and you should do the same.
2) There are definitely things to think about when it comes to professional school in general, it’s a very different animal than grad school. I’m sure you have heard this before, but you should really try to go to law school in the area where you want to practice. I know people who have relocated, but it is unduly difficult to do so b/c you have to find a job in that state/area, take the bar exam there, establish a professional network, etc all of which the law school you attend will help you with. But if you decide to work away from where you went to school, you have to do this on your own. That being stated, do you want to practice in Georgia? Or are you just thinking of staying there b/c of your bf?
Also, law school is tedious academically and hard emotionally, you want to go to a school that will provide the best support for you b/c times get tough. You need to attend the best school for your academic, career, financial, and emotional needs.
yeah right. 18 months? you better bounce. if you go to law school in atlanta or your dream school (and you’re serious about your work) you won’t have much free time anyway. do what’s right for you in the long run. you ultimately don’t know if it will work out. also, you never know the distance apart could strengthen your relationship.
I agree with what everyone else is saying. I think that you should follow your dreams and reconnect later. If it’s meant to be you two will make it happen further down the road. Putting your dreams on the back burner for another person ultimately harbors resentments in the relationship.
Do what you feel is best and enjoy your life later on!
I cosign on all of these points. I would say never compromise your dreams for others. That will cause regret if things go bad, but thats just me. Ive heard too many stories about women who sacrifice their aspirations for a dude and get burned in the end. Follow your logic and instinct, and do whats best for your career
Good responses so far. It seems everybody is offering solid advice, but what about the other questions? How do folks feel about making significant sacrifices and the issue of long distance in a relationship?
Coincidentally, I just posted about sacrifice and how I don’t (nor does my husband) believe in the concept. If she assesses her situation honestly and at the end of the day believes that the value she creates by staying local is equal to or less than the value received from the current (not potential) state of her relationship, then she should stay local.
“And putting dreams on the backburner” is a sucker’s choice. If it’s worth it, I’m certain she can figure out a way to pursue her career in a meaningful way and have a meaningful relationship.
I think its funny that I’ve read four post today on SBM, two of them talked about the difficulties in finding a “good black man”, and there is so many people telling her to leave this guy. Just something I figured I’d point out.
If you are not getting married, you will not put your life on hold for anyone. Including the one you are currently swooning over. And addressing the secondary question of making sacrifices for a long distance relationship both persons have to be fully invested in the relationship to make it work, but temptation is a b*tch.
@Peyso, I dont think anyone is saying she should breakup with him; at least that’s not what I”m saying. I simply think that foregoing her dreams for a man who hasn’t said he absolutely wants a permanent long-term future with her will make her bitter and resentful of him. It is possible for her to both follow her dreams & keep her relationship intact, but it will require more work from both of them to keep that LDR going.
LDRs are very difficult but work for some folks. I personally have tapped out of them plenty of times because me not seeing them causes the mind to wander and holding that mental connection gets stale after some time.
In this case, your schooling (which sounds like your obvious priority) will supersede anything romantic and will probably leave you without much to give an LDR, let alone any relationship.
@ Peyso
ROOOOO!
LDR’s work but both parties gotta chip in. I was in one for 4 years and it worked despite the fact that I made most of the trips cuz I was the only one w/ a car and when I did go visit I had to find my own lodging cuz she lived w/ her old fashioned folks. That being said we loved each other and we both made sacrifices to make it work. It didnt work out in the long run porque los padres de ella no le gusta morenos. Unless it some crazy distance that’s an unreasonable drive or exorbitant airfare, LDR’s can work if both people want it to work.
My advice: Stay in the A. At the end of the day if the relationship doesnt work, like you said, the school is well ranked and you’ll still be good on that end, and will still have your family as a support system in the area. Most importantly, communicate all this to him. Sit the lad down and have a serious talk with him about it. And if he’s scared, he’ll go running for the hills and your problem will be solved.
@ Peyso:
Roo again.
Afternoon all.. Don’t know if anyone wrote anything similar to what i’m about to post but I’ve been in long distance relationships before and I would give it a thumbs up if both parties are willing to put in WORK.. SERIOUS work. But either way you should base your educational/career choices on YOU not ur man not ur family or ur friends. There will be times later in life where they won’t be around you for a significant amount of time. I’d apply to the school near you and see how it goes. But if the school out of state works best for you by all means go for it and if the relationship really is for you God will make sure u have it. If it is truly love then it will be able to stand the distance.. and thats not to say something may not happen BUT if its REALLY love.. then it won’t be anything that you guys couldnt work together to get over.
If he’s a keeper trust me, it’ll work out in the end. “If you love something you let it go if it comes back to you, it’s yours.If it doesn’t you’ll never know…” Wise words from DMX. HaHa.
You have only one life, play smart. If he’s the one for you, only time will tell!
@ Slim – Awww man that “S” word. Good ol’ sacrifice. Granted, there are sacrifices to be made in any serious relationship. I’m all for a sacrifice when it’s a smart decision to make and beneficial. Don’t wanna do anything too drastic and kick myself in the ass in the long run. With long distance relationships…it’ll work out in the end if it’s meant to be.
I’m currently in a long distant relationship and it just so happens to be with my high school love. We have reconnected after about seven years. Despite the challenges we have been working out very well. But it all deals with OPEN communication. I love my job and right now I don’t plan on moving and he is loving where he is. We have talked about relocating together when the time is right. I think it is important to make decisions based on what is best for you, not because of a man or a woman. And if he loves you he will help you make the best decision not based on emotions or personal interest. I can say this all now because I’m 29 and gotta a little experience. I’m not career focus but more about living a good life and having no regrets about the choices I make. Live your life.
The fact that she’s having doubts show that their relationship probably isn’t meant to be because if it were meant to be, having a LDR wouldn’t be an issue. After all “love conquers all”.
That being said. I think yesterdays post teaches us that unicorns and the elusive 3-5% of dateable men are hard to come by. Her bf sounds good on paper so she better think long and hard before she does anything rash…
erin: “Her bf sounds good on paper so she better think long and hard before she does anything rash…”
I mean really…. did she not read yesterday’s post/comments? A good black man is as mythical and elusive as a unicorn, or the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The tooth fairy. Easter bunny. She better hold on to him! Or, take the hoodrat approach and get knocked up. That’ll keep him!
I’m late to respond. I think she should do what’s best for her. If it is meant to be, it’ll all work out in the end.
If he’s talking marriage (soon) then stay. I don’t understand him talking about wanting to live together if you stay. If he’s serious why not make it official and give you a reason to stay?
How would feel if you stayed in ATL and yall broke up? Would you regret it? If so don’t consider him in your decision – that’s stuff you do for husbands.
There’s plenty of time for finding a husband later. There’s only one shot (relatively speaking) to get the education that’ll put you where you wanna be for at least the next 30 years. The less distractions the better. Do the school, THEN find the guy. Peace and best wishes.
-Smoove
@ Peyso
Even though I just said do the school thing, I was thinkin the same thing lol. They always complaining they can’t find a “good black man” yet they have one and still look for reasons to drop his ass. Smh. Women gotta be the most confused group ever man. Like slim or j or sbm said, “one thing women don’t know: women”.
And if I can’t f*ck then what’s the point?