One of the many ways to save your relationship.
Anybody who has ever done a long distance relationship knows that it can be a beast. It’s takes a ton of work that often many people are not willing to put in. I wrote a post a bit back about the factor of convenience in relationships and mentioned that many relationships fall apart when the convenience factor is no longer there. This post is for those willing to fight past the factor of convenience and have a successful long distance relationship. Personally, I’m 0 for 3 in long distance relationships at this point in my life. In my most recent distance debacle, things just fizzled out due to laziness, poor communication, and overall incompatibility. Come to think of it, I’d say all three met the same fate for similar reasons. I’ve learned a lot of from each of these situations and I figured what better way to show my personal growth than to present a list of my own. So for today, I’m presenting my list of things you should do to ensure your long distance relationship survives.
Get your piggy bank game up and regularly save money to go see your boo.
First things first, you gotta make time to see each other. But what good is making time to see each other if you can’t afford to get there because you spent all your money on drank, shoes, dining out, or whatever your guilty pleasure is. If you’re working, put aside a certain amount of money each week for your “See the Boo” fund. If you’re not working and in school, get creative. Going to visit your significant other shouldn’t break the bank. Just keep your eye on the prize.
Overcommunicate
People have a hard enough time communicating when they’re with each other regularly, so you can imagine the strain that long distance puts on things. Anyone who has done distance has probably had fights with their significant over purely based on the fact they’re frustrated with not being able to see each other. Things are often already on edge, so the simplest lapse in communication can turn into an explosive fight. For example, if your significant other has ever went off the grid for 24 hours and you had no idea where he or she was then you know what I’m talking about. Make use of BBM, Ping, text message, email, web cam, and of course phone calls. Ideally, I don’t wanna have to ask a lot of questions. On the flip side, I don’t need to know when shorty is in the bathroom doing things that I’ve told myself women don’t do.
Words of Affirmation
This should go without saying, but I think many of us often forget the importance of letting the person know you care about them. This goes both ways! I’ve debated quite often about not tryin’ to be an Emo Cat, or people that go overboard with the lovey dovies. But honestly, what sense does it make to put yourself through the stress of a distance relationship if one or both parties don’t think the other person is undergoing similar feelings and thoughts on a regular basis. I also think this helps people to build confidence and trust in each other, which eliminates a lot of the BS.
Fulfill the physical needs regardless.
Great sex corrupts absolutely if you’re having it. But if you’re not, this probably isn’t as big a deal. We all have needs. Many of the people who visit SBM or 3 Ways talk about their sexual needs and having to get their fix every so often. And of course when people don’t get those physical needs met, they may get a little cranky (i.e. Mandingo Syndrome or Testosterone Tantrum Effect). Cop a bluetooth headset so you can have both hands free when you make that late night call to your boo. Set up that web cam and get your e-pizzle on. If you’re a dude, send shorty a little toy…if she doesn’t have one already. Did you know there are some sex toys out there that can be controlled remotely from the other person’s keyboard? I mean nothing beats the real thing, but there are ways to get off and get through until yall have a chance to be in the same place, in the same space, face to face.
Drop off the map when you’re together.
Put the phones away and close the lap tops unless you got something truly of importance to do. It’s common courtesy, but common courtesy seems to be relative from person to person nowadays.
Avoid routines
Don’t do the exact same thing every time you see each other. Vary it up a bit and I’m not just talking about in the bedroom. Even when you’re not seeing each other regularly, things can still get stale and people get lazy. That is no bueno for the relationship.
So this is my contribution to society for today. What are your thoughts on this list? Any additions? Any distance relationship gurus out there with words of wisdom? Do people think that even with all this considered that the relationship could still fail? Share your thoughts.
Grown, Sexy, Real,
Slim… remind me to send you an eCard. THIS rightchere is nothing but TRUTH that is shaming Mama Tina to Dereon Hell. You’ve hit the nail on the head. ‘Preciate ya.
Oh, and the gestures of “just because” go further b/c it shows that even though you’re 800 miles apart, the person is still thinking about you. Oh and say “I miss you” a lot. Makes folks feel all warm & fuzzy on the inside.
Great post Slim!
I absolutely agree with everything you said here especially the one about dropping off the face of the earth when you’re together!
Also, Luvvie makes a good point about the just because things. Those things can get to mean 1000x more when you’re 1000 miles away because it means that you are thinking of the other person (so it really isn’t out of sight out of mind)
Also important…when your boo visits you take them to the places you talk about or introduce them to your friends so later when you’re on the phone they can match a place/face with a name therefore decreasing uncertainty.
@Duncan
That’s a really good addition. One that I’ve def never thought about.
uncertainty + imagination= beast
uncertainty + imagination= beast…YEP!!
Very good addition!
slim u gonna make me have a scrush on u off this post… i mean, boston to sc isn’t too far right? lol… i kid, i kid…
but this is a really great post. i agree wholeheartedly with all of the hot fiyah truth that you have spit right here… the breakdown of it seems so simple and almost encourages me to do the long distance relationship thing…
kudos to you
Absolutely 100% Agree with all’a'dis!! That’s what kept me and Mr Mister going when he went to Florida for a year. Make a plan of action an execute, especially the flight plans, that way you’ll have something to look forward to. Since he was in Florida I flew down there every 6-8 weeks, we saved our money and split the cost.
The power of a text message when he was in class and have a 5 minute break was priceless, you have no idea…we stayed texting and sending cutesy sappy over emotional messages but it got us through and that year was waaayyy easier than we thought it would be.
Oh and Skype!!! Let me tell you, we’d be on Skype for hours watching tv together, lol or just walking around the house…it kept us connected when the phone was getting wearisome. Like I’d be cooking in Maryland and he’d be studying in Florida, he’d ask me a question about how his paper should end and I’d let him see what I was cooking or chopping up in the kitchen….man Skype definitely kept us going!
Oh this was a good list Slim! I love long-distance relationships; I think I actually prefer them to so-called “normal” relationships. The only thing I would add is that some people are just not built for the long-distance thing and they need to recognize that and keep it moving. If you’re the kind of person who needs to know your partner’s whereabouts every moment of the day, or want to live your life cotched up under his armpit at all times, it’s probably not gonna work. And you probably have issues.
You’re right. Some people aren’t built for it. Along the same lines, I think it depends on exactly how long the distance is. There’s a difference between living 3 hours a part and 20 hours apart. Somebody who needs to be able to see the person physically everyday or drive by and make sure their car is still outside has other problems they need to be dealing with.lol.
I wont lie.. ive tried and I knwo im not built for it. Maybe if situations
will ariseeeeeare different, but for now Im good.I cosign on your points tho!
I commend any of you all for long distance relationships. I’ve experienced a few since the age of 14 and my last was when I was about 27…never no more.
The longest distance was a young lady in the UK. It gave me a lot of mind time so that I could understand her train of thought, but left a big void when it actually came to physical touch. Talking on the phone/webcam could only do but so much for me, especially with available local azz at my disposal. I guess I’m rather lazy about the whole thing, but I do know that only seeing someone a few times every couple of months is useless for me. I’m an all or nothing type dude. I shouldn’t have to have a 4 hour delay for the sake of “good love.” If she’s not within an hours reach then fuggetaboutit.
I was in one for a year. I enjoyed the freedom, not getting some bothered my very little. I really enjoyed it and I had my most productive year of my life. Now she is on deck to go long distance again. I’m get sick of the complaining b/c she thought the last time was “so hard.”
I think phone s3x and sexting have become the norm. Even if you are not in a long distance relationship I think these make excellent 4play tools. They make you lust for a person that you normally have no problem conquering.
Good points my friend… I enjoy s3x and sexting like all day everyday… and it could be the last person on my list to do but those words on that screen make me wanna scream sometimes.
These points are all really good. I actually learned something, and I’ve been in a (sometimes) long distance relationship for almost 4 years. Time to start putting the laptop away when ole’ girl is in town for a few days.
saving money to see your boo. visiting a s/o can get expensive especially if you don’t have a job. but in the end you have to believe they are worth it so sacrifices should be made.
overcommunicate. bbm, gchat, text message, email, web cam, phone calls. i promise with all of these ways to communicate you can almost feel like you’re with your s/o (almost). i think these communication tools are great although sometimes they can get a bit much.
also dropping off the map is another good point of advice. it should only be about the two of you because in reality how often do you get to see each other in comparison to whomever is on the other end of the line?
But the key is dropping off the map “when feasible”.
If you have midterms or a project for work, you can’t end you career for a visit. I can understand putting down the fantasy football and WSHH but work IS work.
Sometimes women don’t understand that.
See, this is where I think a lot of people OD. I know I’ve had a long distance booski over before and she was tight that I was doing work that was due to the next day. I even deal with saltiness when I said I had to get off the phone at times because I had work to do. I think when we get into this, it becomes more an issue of maturity than anything else.
“I even deal with saltiness when I said I had to get off the phone at times because I had work to do.”
now there is no excuse for this. if she doesn’t realize that you have a life outside of her then thats an issue she needs to deal with. smh
then don’t have “company” that weekend. if you know you have something important to do then schedule a visit for some other time. thats what i would do.
Yeah, I don’t deal with unreasonable people. Men can get like this too. If you don’t understand my hustle, **throws peace sign up**
This is a great article. I’m actually thinking about getting into a long distance thing at the moment. These will be good tips to keep in mind if I go forward with it.
This list really is great. Now I’m convinced that when people stay from the things mentioned above, problems arise. Relationships take work, and distance only adds to the load, so both partners have be on their Ps and Qs.
Extremely well written Slim, I love that your writing is diverse, from satirical to sentimental to encouraging – diverse writing keeps you fresh!
I was writing this on Sunday when I was sitting there all quiet before the religion talks began.lol. Had to stay focused.
this was a really good read, and very on point. nothing to add! great stuff.
And don’t be suspicious all the time. Trust is an important factor in a long distance relationship.
Awww this made me smile!! I am in an LDR right now and I kept nodding as I read. I totally agree with Shannon, trust is KEY. In the beginning, I was a paranoid paranoid person and my SO was to an extent, it got better when we both confessed our paranoia to each other lol. I have enjoyed the LDR period with all its difficulties but I am looking forward to when it ends (This is the number one thing that has helped us…knowing that there is an end in sight).
My LDR has grown my relationship and helped me grow as a person.
I am grateful for this list!!!
Slimdog, this was such a pleasant read! I’m like, at peace with myself right now, lmao…
The only dimension I think I would add is the permanency of the distance. It’s one thing to have a relationship with someone who you know is going to be gone for 6 months, a year, or whatever, because you condition yourself to know that the space is ephemeral. To be with someone who actually lives/works/has a career miles and miles away I don’t think works unless you’re already at that point where you feel like he or she is “the one”…Once you’re at that point, then yes, put in the work you have so eloquently described above…
I didn’t read so I don’t know if this was said but e-dates! My ex and I used to pick a time, the same movie and the same food and have a little date via Skype. It’s little things that helped us keep our relationship going for as long as it did despite him living on a different continent!
E-Dates?!
Wow u just changed the GAME!!
e-dates…love it.
I must say, the e-dates across continents is pretty amazing. Major props for that.
perfect perfect perfect.i was just talkin to my potential ldr two seconds ago about how it wasnt goin work, then i sauntered over to the site and lo and behold the holy grail.he dont read blogs (i dont think) but i asked him to read this.he dug it
good job boss –>gucci!
“If you’re working, put aside a certain amount of money each week for your “See the Boo” fund.” Cosign. I have a “going to Cali” budget and I make sure with each pay that I take a little something out of my check and put it aside. My SO and I recently made the decision to split the the airplane tickets so that neither one is completely out of our pockets.
How much you get a ticket to Cali for?
Real talk..I’m trying to find the basement price for this market, I have been watching for the past nine months. I fear I missed the basement.
Well it depends on your flight preferences cause you can fly cheap as hell on spiritair, but you wont get drinks and snacks on the plane (for free, you can purchase them tho) and the seats arent that comfortable, but then again, no plane seat is to me—they be having cheap faires allday everyday…
Nice post. Good insightful suggestions, especially over-communicating
This is MY LIFE. I’ve been in a LDR for a little over two years. Separated by three provinces and two time zones makes if DIF-(FML)I-CULT at times.
I met my S/O AFTER I moved across the country (he lives in the same city I used to, but we never met before). Anyway I think the list is FANTASTIC. Some things I’ve done, others not as yet, but one to add would be to go away somewhere other than where you live together.
My bf and I went to Jamaica for 10 days in Feb and it was the BEST trip I’ve had in FOREVER!! When you go and visit it’s hard to get away from your perspective lives and spend enough time together (a la Slim). So to combat that, just go somewhere that neither one of you has to worry about your “regular” lives. You’re spending the money on a plane ticket either way.
Amazing list. Me and the boo will be sure to follow, as we are entering into the world of long distance soon. Thanks, Sir Slimington!
Thanks for the list! I am currently in an LDR in college and it is hard at times. I enjoyed the suggestions.
LDRs do require a level of self control and maturity that some people cannot handle. I know that alot of people had negative comments and opinions about my LDR when it first began. “Girl, I can’t do that. I need the D every night.” Yet, those same people are either not in a relationship, cheating or being cheated on. People told me, it’s hard, I will feel wierd when he may not answer sometimes. They questioned if I was certain that I wanted to do it.
I am glad my LDR is working out and that we are planning a future together. We regularly express our feelings about each other and our relationship. We actively plan to see each other by visiting. It’s easier because he is from my hometown. I figure you truly want to be with someone, with work. faith and fate, it will last.