There are several things that men will have to realize women intentionally do and then lie about later. Most men will accept that a girl is naïve or that she is “going through somethings” as a valid excuse for inconsiderate and downright trifling behavior. Most guys need to get it through their thick skulls that their hunch is usually right. Personally, I have one of those flags that goes off in one’s head when something just doesn’t add up. I’ve been asked by several partners, “Jay, why are you so sure?” And I try and tell them, that though I don’t believe that I have some psychic power that allows me to know when someone is lying, it’s just a feeling I get that’s never wrong.
For starters if something is real, you never have to doubt it. If you have to ask yourself, “I wonder what she thinks of me.” Chances are, she doesn’t. If you are wondering why she never calls you or tries to contact you, you don’t have to look for interesting ways to make her call. Chances are she just doesn’t want to talk to you. Some women will tell you, I just don’t call dudes. That’s either a lie, or she’s better off alone. Any woman worth dating knows that courtship and relationships are two way streets and once person cannot get away with always letting the other person do all of the work.
She can only have but so much bad luck. Sometimes you have a girl who tends to reschedule all of your plans because something came up, or she has to stay at work late, or she forgot that she had told someone she would do something for them and can’t get out of it. She’s really just stringing you along for the ride. She’s postponing for a later date when she may or may not decide to take you up on that free meal. Beware of people who can’t say no. There are plenty of women, who lack the ability to tell a guy straight to his face, no I’m not interested, or no I do not want to.
She picks up her phone when it rings. Say it with me, she picks up her phone when it rings. I want you to keep repeating that until you finish this post. A lot of guys buy the excuse, “I never pick my phone.” No she sees you are calling and she’s staring at the caller ID hoping you leave a message or send a text instead. If you don’t believe me, watch her patterns, while you are hanging out with her, when one of her friends calls, watch how she… picks up the phone. (If a girl merely prefers to talk through text or BBM but is still interested, she will pick up the phone and then say, “Hey, do you mind if we continue over text?”)
She feels sorry for no one but herself. If she tells you that she feels sorry for a guy or an ex-boyfriend and that’s why she allows him to call, or occasionally spends time with him. That’s a lie meant to comfort you and convince you to stay around. No woman does what she does not want to do for someone she doesn’t care deeply for. It’s perfectly natural for a woman to feel deeply for an ex-boyfriend, but that is a sure-tell sign that she is not completely over him and definitely not ready to move on.
This is a very important point you need to know; if she respects you, she will. You shouldn’t have to tutor a woman on how to respect you or treat you right. You shouldn’t have to remind her that it would be nice if she would call to say good night after a night on the town with her girlfriends so you know she got home safe, and is not enjoying a night of romping around with some chap she met at the bar. You shouldn’t have to remind her that if she has to cancel plans, the time to tell you is in advance, not after you’ve spent the last 30 minutes calling and texting to no response. You shouldn’t have to tell her that it’s not okay for her ex-boyfriend should not be calling her at 11:30PM when you are snuggled up on the couch watching Law & Order together. (Nor, should you have to tell her that she shouldn’t pick up the phone. Or should you have to tell her to ask him not to call that late anymore again.) At the end of the day if she respects you, you won’t have to worry about it.
This is also a very important point; you don’t have to convince her to be with someone she wants to be with. You don’t have to compete for her attention and care if she wants to give it to you. Often times guys find themselves in these situations where a girl is not sure if she wants to be with him, or her ex, or her best friend, or her longstanding crush. This means she doesn’t want to be with you. She’s keeping you around for one of two reasons; she’s indecisive or you’re the fall back plan. As a man, you’ve got to be able to step out on faith and breeze from that situation.
No games are worth playing by yourself except solitaire and masturbation, therefore, don’t do the same with your love life. If you are trying to figure out if this girl is the one, and what you have to do to get in her graces, trust your gut feeling. If you’ve done your due diligence and she’s not responsive, take the hint. Even a man who has no clue what he’s doing, a respecting young lady can see his intentions and will either point him in the right direction or tell him she’s not interested. There is no woman alive who doesn’t know that some men just don’t get hints. If she seems like a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle and you need new glasses, chances are you need to let her go.
Dr. J can now be reached at 1-800-Help-me-J.
Good post. But I do have to say as a woman I learned all those “tricks” from a man.
In other words, “She’s Just Not That Into You”.
Great post Dr J,
I hate to string men along so I let them know when it isn’t going to work. I have been strung alone a time or two and I don’t want anybody to feel the same.
HOWEVER, the great points you mentioned are all man tricks or maybe the post is applicable to everyone (male and female). Either way great post. Happy Pre-Friday
This post receives the official Hugh Jazz stamp of approval.
Seeing this happens is pathetic. In situations like this, you just stop calling. Don’t give an excuse, don’t try to explain, don’t bother trying to tell her, “I really wish you respect my time” or anything like that, just stop calling. There’s plenty of girls on the girl tree, with a new crop every year, so find another one. If she’s even remotely interested, she’ll be calling back about a week later asking what happened. And if she’s not interested, you just moved up the timeline of the inevitable “breakup”, and saved yourself some time and money in the process.
“There are plenty of women, who lack the ability to tell a guy straight to his face, no I’m not interested, or no I do not want to.”–>That is me…and i hate it. I just feel bad about it! lol I mean the guy is spending money taking me out on dates…and i just have a hard time telling him (once i’ve figured out that i’m just not that into him) that i don’t want to see him anymore. I don’t like playing the bad guy! i kno i need to get over it but sometimes they are really just so nice and i enjoy his company but just not in THAT way…then i start feeling guilty for stringing him along…so then i just go ghost….
i’ve been that guy before. it sucks because when a woman gives just enough to believe that you have some chance of continuing a relationship you keep going. it took me a while to realize that people make time for what they want to make time for. they spend time with who they want to spend time with. if their schedules are that busy then people will make sacrifices for what they want to do.
Good post my dude. I think too often Guys think these women are playing ‘hard-to-get’ when are not interested. Women today don’t know what hard to get is—if you want proof, go to All-Star weekend or a Super Bowl Party sponsored by your favorite rapper.
@Blue Flame: by not being straight up, you ARE the bad guy. Do him a favor and tell him you’re not into him, so MAYBE…..wait for it……………………….
He can find a woman who is, instead of wasting time and money with you (kanye shrug).
I think alot of women do this because as BlueFlame mentioned, they enjoy the company, but they believe they have better options. If the day comes when the options are not so good, these guys will be ‘default’ dates that either get them through a drought or in case they decide to take their line sisters advice and marry someone who loves them more than they actually love him.
Bond. BlkBond.
Men lie. Women Lie. The blogs dont. lol
Excellent sir!
“She feels sorry for no one but herself. If she tells you that she feels sorry for a guy or an ex-boyfriend and that’s why she allows him to call, or occasionally spends time with him. That’s a lie meant to comfort you and convince you to stay around. No woman does what she does not want to do for someone she doesn’t care deeply for. ”
Disagree. Sometimes it’s just easier to give him his facetime than to hear him bitch and whine about how “we aint cool no mo”. Also, at one point my ex was suicidal and I felt like I couldn’t leave him like that. I know I’m fucked up for saying this lol, but it’s not that I “cared deeply”, it’s that I didn’t want that on my conscience.
This is the paradox. Too scared to be alone not brave enough to say “move on.”
I have a similar problem, not that Im getting 1000 requests/month or anything, but I don’t know how to say “No, i’m not interested.” Seems cruel. Im really not looking for any sort of relationship in the near future so I hit em with, “Not ready for a relationship now, I like my singleness”. Nobody ever believes that, ever lol.
I definitely think that this advice is applicable for women as well. I have had to learn all these things the hard way dating. Now if I’m not getting an appropriate amount of attention, I keep it moving and appreciate the fact that I didn’t get deeply involved or emotionally attached with someone who is just not that into me when it comes down to it.
Great Post!!!
1) you’re pretty much on point with all of these except one: she never calls or contacts you. Sometimes I’ll meet a new dude and we’ve only talked a few times and maybe I’m feeling him but I’m not sure if he’s feeling me. I might not make the initiative to call him first b/c I don’t want to seem “thirsty” (as the young folks say these days) or I don’t know if we’re “there” yet – “there” being when you just call to say “hi, how was your day, did you see such-n-such on the news today, omg can you believe it, alright good night.”
2) This post made me kinda sad b/c it made me realize just how long its been since I’ve met a guy that I’m really feeling. Sigh.
Unfortunately, I have been this person. It’s not that I didn’t know how to say no, or that I am not interested. Recently, I went out on a few dates with a guy who seemed great the first three dates. Then all of a sudden, we can’t have a conversation not based on him thinking the world is out to get him and he’s had the worst luck EVER. He basically would not stop whining, he didn’t have a single positive thing to say about anything. He also stopped trying to find out anything else about me, because he was too busy whining about how everyone and everything was out to get him. I, on more than one occassion, addressed my issue with his negativity and asked to change the subject to more positive stuff. He somehow managed to turn a conversation about his favorite movie back to how his dad never does anything for him, bla bla bla.
I wanted to end things with him after the first month, but what kept me from doing that was the feeling that I was thinking that stuff he had going on in his life at the moment was the cause of the negativity. In essence, maybe it wasn’t a permanent personality trait. I’ve also been accused of being too insensitive to the plight of others sometimes, I’ve live a hard life and have always looked at it that there are sooooo many who have it worse. I sometimes expect others to look at life that way and at least try to be positive. The combination of me feeling like the problem was temporary and/or on my end kept me unintentionally “stringing him along”.
I guess the point of my comment is that it’s not always an intentional thing or about not being able to say no. Sometimes, we are genuinely hoping that what is bothering us is a temporary thing and a real connection can be forged still or think that we are just being too picky/insensitive/judgemental/etc. Not all women are either cowards or just evil. I really didn’t mean for this comment to end up this long.
If you call a woman twice and she doesn’t answer or call you back, that’s a sign. I don’t want to hear that sh*t about I was busy, food was burning on the stove, whatever. If a woman doesn’t have the decency to call you back after two messages, da chickenhead ain’t worth it.
Great post…I was almost about to go off a few times and be like its not like that, but in a lot of cases it is.
I will say this though, in SOME cases if you have not witnessed any previous trifling behavior and something pops up, having a little talk might straighten some things out. For example, I am 3 years younger than my current S.O., he’s been engaged before and had live-in S.O.’s. I, on the other hand, had not and was still in college when we met, so our lifestyles were a little different. Through a few conversations be both came to realize this fact and worked out some of the things mentioned in the third and sixth paragraphs. I had no clue I was disrespecting him until he told me because I had never been in such a serious relationship. My point is, in SOME cases, just give us a chance to make it right. We may falter, but if we do what it takes to make it work, then don’t fault us too much. We’re all growing and maturing every day, and a little tutoring may help if you’re up for it. Sometimes the change you wanted just wont happen until we’ve realized what we had or until we’ve had the proper time to grow (which may not be on your time schedule, which is fine). Now, if homegirl just keeps it up with no signs of trying then run!
I wish this post was to women about men instead of the man being the victim. Simply because this is how we feel 99% of the time