Single Black Male

I’ve talked about looking valuing a person’s Fundamental Character Flaws months ago.  It’s really important for anyone to be able to determine whether or not the “problems” of your potential lover and mate are just small surface defects or deep and unchanging flaws embedded in their core.

Ever taken the time to really get to know someone?  Learn everything there is to know about them … peel back all the complex layers of their inner being to expose their pure and simple core … only to find ugly evil black goo.

Yeah … black goo.

I’m talking about the stuff in spider-man that made up Venom.  I’m talking about the type of stuff that leaked out of the eyes of the victims of that girl from Heroes.  I’m talking about some f*cked up sh*t.

It’s always a shame … but you usually have no way of knowing.  They put on such a good front … their “representative” is great.  They seem nice, they seem logical, they seem great … but that inner evil black goo is sitting there …waiting to come out.

I have been lucky to have only met a few people who had that inner black goo … but enough so that I can describe a few types of “black goo individuals” (BGIs).

The Insult Sniper

This person will cut you down and undermine you in the most obscure and secretive ways.  She will let you know that your stupid … but won’t call you stupid (e.g. “sometimes I wish you were smarter”).  She will make you feel like less of a man instead of supporting you (e.g. “my little brother can open that jar with no problem.  Maybe you should hit the gym”).  One of those b*tches on the sneak. This person is a BGI.

The Public Spectacle

They love to embarrass you in public.  Cursing you out in front of people, putting her finger in your face, questioning your manhood … all that good stuff.  Men do this too (like “woman, shut your mouth and get me a beer”) … but is more publicly shunned.  These people get joy out of publicly embarrassing you … they’re no good … f*cking BGIs.

The Liar

Something about lying to you just gets them wet.  They don’t ever tell the truth and they feel no remorse about constantly lying to you.  The lies can be big (”your the father”) or they can be small (”he’s just a friend”) … but your not getting the truth.  Dirty arse BGI.

Pure Evil

This person is filled to the brim with that evil black goo.  She pushes over little kids, kills chickens, stabbed a few people, and voted for GW Bush (*shivers*).  She lies, manipulates, does whatever she wants to get whatever she wants.  She’ll tell you she’s pregnant to get that Ruth Chris’ dinner.  She spits in your food because you didn’t buy her diamonds.  She sleeps with your brother just to prove a point.  Antichrist isn’t a word to be thrown around often … but you have found her.  Again, men can be this too … but I don’t date guys … so … eh.  Truly beware of this BWI … she has so much Black Goo you may be infected and find yourself pushing over strollers within a little bit of time.

So … fear that black evilness … watch out for it.  Its deadly.

“You took her on 5 dates, didn’t even get a kiss, and now u want to buy here a diamond bracelet … Your a simp”

I have been using this term in posts for months … let me explain it just a lil.

Captain Save-a-ho (Captain for short), buster, punks, soft ass m*therf*cker … all of these term are synonyms for a simp. He is no one you want to be and is hurting things for every man (and woman). He is one of the greatest threats to an efficient black dating market.

First and foremost, I can’t take credit for this term. Three 6 Mafia and Hypontize Minds have been using it for years, along with plenty of other southern rappers. More notable, E-40 and T-Pain and even Ne-Yo have put the term on the major radio stations. I have been using it for years though, as its an epidemic running through the black community.

A simp is the supposed “dream” of many women, and the butt of many male jokes. He gives “his” woman anything she wants, and more. He spoils her, asks for nothing in return and seems to have no goal in life except to make “baby girl” happy.

Whats the problem you ask …  he is just “too much”. He never has his own opinion and is gives into every fit, tantrum, complaint, or request that is given to him. Its sad and pathetic.

Think of the guy who won “I Love New York 2″. He is the embodiment of what I’m talking about. He was willing to let New York walk all over him, say whatever she wanted, and he would still run out and buy her some Gucci loafers and rub her feet. He gave up his penis … such a shame.

Here are some examples of “simp behavior”. If you or your friends are exhibiting 2 or more of these symptoms … immediately stop dating and email me for immediate help.

You bought her a Tiffany’s bracelet for Christmas, and she got you socks (because the Prada purse she bought herself the week before set her back) … but you see nothing wrong.

All your male friends avoid you like the plague … because all you talk about is what you bought “baby girl” last week.

Your going into debt trying to support the lifestyle your “girl” is into.

Your always eating p*ssy (performing cunnilingus), but you get a funny look every time “reciprocation” is mentioned.

You are giving her elaborate dates (para-sailing, trips to Brazil, Helicopter rides) … and she always gives you a nice hug as a thank you.

You get off the phone with “I love you” and she responds “yeah … your cool too”.

So if someone you know has given up his manhood and traded in his penis … sit him down, tell him “Stop Simping”, and then beat him senseless until he is ready to man up …

And BTW … simping is not good for women. Who wants a punk?

Some people yearn to be married or love the commitment of a true relationship. They revel in having one person to share everything with, the responsibility of caring for another individual, and the inner joy of this “love” thing I hear about.

You also have a group that subscribes to the “player for life” mentality. Manogamy is a curse word to these people and offensive to the ears. They are having “fun” and looking for nothing more than good times and casual sex. The number of “conquests” is a bragging right, and they will quickly tell you about the one person who was good enough to actually get a repeat.

But what about the person in between these two. What about the SBM (or SBW) that doesn’t want the headache of a boyfriend or girlfriend, still wants someone to go out with and “sleep” with, and just has no desire of sleeping around like crazy (those AIDS commercials are scary). Well, the answer is … A Friend With Benefits.

This isn’t about the greatness of the FwB, this is to dispel some common misconceptions about this great “relationship derivative” (more…)

“You and Marcus been chilling hard for a minute … you two dating now?”
“Hell naw girl … thats just my FAB!”

He is always around you. You talk late into the night. You’ve slept with him … as in the same bed … but he didn’t touch you. You have cried in his arms after the guy you were sleeping with dumped you. He has taken care of you when you were sick. He has picked you up when your “man” was tripping. He is one of your best friends.

One problem … he is hopelessly in love with you … and you don’t want to believe it. This is your FAB … aka Fake Ass Boyfriend.

What makes him a Fake Ass Boyfriend though? Boyfriend? Its simple really. Your FAB provides all of the benefits of a boyfriend … companionship, emotional support, paid dates and dinners, all that good stuff … but he gets none of the benefits. While I feel relationships benefit women more than men, there are some benefits for us (*cough* … sex) such as monogamy and … well something … but the FAB gets none. In addition, your probably dating other guys that pale in comparison to this guy, and love to tell him all about it.

Yes … this poor excuse of a man is your FAB. You think he is your friend, your convinced he is nothing more than a buddy, you would even put money on it … but really he is just too soft let his intentions known. Women love attention, time, emotions, and all that soft sh*t. This sucker thinks if he provides them to you long enough, he will eventually win your heart … but this poor chump is mistaken.

As a case study, I will use the #1 FAB of all time … Steve Urkel.  Actually, he had a step up on a lot of these “new age FABs” … because he was quick to tell Laura he loved her.  There was no doubt in her mind.  In Laura’s case, she decided to continue treating Steve as a friend.  Maybe she thought if she acted like it and believed hard enough … Steve would eventually give up his infatuation and become nothing more than a friend.  Poor Steve.

I plea with any woman reading this … please let these poor guys go.  Let them move on and actually pursue someone who likes them back.  The #1 excuse given to me by females when presented with this is “I can’t control him.  If he wants to mow my lawn and take out my trash … thats on him.  He should know I’m not interested”.  But the thing you fail to realize is … this poor guy is incapable of letting go.

These FABs are also known as simps, punks, marks, punk marks, mark ass b*tches, bitch ass marks, punk b*tches, punk ass b*tches, punk tricks, trick ass marks, soft ass punk b*tches, etc.

Women … ready to let your FABs go and become the real man they need to be???
FABs … tired of being a punk b*tch ass mark and have guys like me laughing at you???