Single Black Male

“You know I want to be with you.  You know I want to put that ring on your finger, give you the moon, the stars, the world … but I can’t.”
“Why can’t you?”
“My job … my career … my goals!  I don’t want to come to you half accomplished”
“But I don’t care about that stuff”
“BUT I DO!”

This conversation has played throughout history.  Its been played out on sitcoms.  Exemplified in movies.  There are articles on it.  Dads and Moms have been asked about this countless times by their offsprings.  Its an age old question with a simple answer.

Can I manage my career and life goals while being committed to another person?

Answer: Uhhhh … kinda … maybe

A little about me …

I am very career and goal oriented.  When people ask me what I want out of life, I literally respond with “I want to rule the world” and then follow up with “I have to be the black Bill Gates”.  I started drafting company ideas in high school, I read about the great tech leaders of our time for fun, and I’m addicted to learning and hope to pick up about 3 more degrees before I leave this world.

So … this topic hits close to home.  Questions I have asked myself:

“Can I manage a fortune 500 company and still give my wife the world?”
“Suppose I get a great opportunity in Tokyo, do I have to consider the fact my girlfriend won’t move?”
“If I have to work 80 hour weeks, will my ‘boo’ be mad?”
“Will I ever care enough about someone else to put my own goals on hold?”

Honestly, I still haven’t been able to answer any of them.  I just don’t know.  At times I feel like I’m just being selfish.  At times I’m like “f* that … gotta do me first”.  Sometimes I just can’t think about it because its late and I’m already 15 minutes behind my personal deadline. Will the success of a family be enough?  Is it better to attain all of my outlandish goals at the expense of Mrs. SBM?

Decision … Decisions.

I remember a friend in college … got an offer with Microsoft.  His girlfriend made it clear “I’m not moving to Seattle (Redmond to be exact)” … and he didn’t go.  At the time I thought “that’s the stupidest sh*t I’ve ever heard! Stop being soft and take that position!” … but he didn’t … and he’s doing extremely well still (with a new gf too).

I know I know the first thing I’m gonna hear “well … just pick the right person who will support you in everything you do” … please.  That would and possibly will be great … but can’t always count on that.  Other people have their own jobs, house, money, goals … and if their no in tune with mine … someone has to win.  So … lets not just assume there is some perfect Michelle Obama out there … let that inner pessimist out.

At the end of the day … something is gonna happen.  Guess there is no point in sweating over it now … right?

Any pearls of wisdom for this troubled 20-something? Any “n*gga stop crying” or “f* these b*tches” for me?

“What happened to you yesterday … you were supposed to give me a ride to the shop. I had to take 5 buses and was 3 hours late”
“Yeah man … this girl I was trying to get at hit me up to go out”
“WTF man … H.O.H. Man!”
“H.O.H.???”
“Homies over hoes … ya punk bitch!”

Bro’s before Hoes is the classic adage we are all used to … but being a huge fan of The Boondocks (the comic was so much better than the cartoon … more of a message) I drew my inspiration from a recent episode. While the episode was actually poking fun at a homosexual rapper, they helped to bring to light an important creed that all men need to live by.

I grow tired, annoyed, and downright enraged at these guys who put their girlfriend, current love interest, or random jumpoff from the club before and above well established friends and/or family. Pussy and many women are temporary, but the guy who picked you up off the ground after getting your ass whooped in the 5th grade has earned a permanent fixture in your life, so don’t forget it. Out of all the ways a guy can put women before his friends … there is one case that disgusts me to the core of my soul: the girlfriend who replaces all of your friends.

When a man finds a good women its a good thing. He has found someone who is worth adoring, spending time with, and loving … but why does this person have to replace your well established friends. Why can’t she be integrated with the rest of your friends? Why can’t we all go out every once in awhile? Why can’t she see her friends while you come hang out? Why …

I have one friend who is a shining example of doing it right. I love his girlfriend (sure … I knew her beforehand … but eh). She comes out with us, but doens’t restrict him from coming out, and while I don’t see him as much as before, I still keep in touch and can go chill with my friend. Also, he still plays wingmen and will take the ugly one (although too often he fights taking the busted one) when we go out because he knows he’s got someone at home. To you my friend … I salute you.

But to all of you other simping, punk bitching, whack ass, go against your friends, sumbitches … STOP IT!



And to close things out … here is the video that inspired the post!

When I bought my motorcycle I was visiting my friend and talking to her mother. She wasn’t really in support of my recent purchase, but did conclude with “well … its good you get it out of your system now … because your wife will make you give it up when you get married!”. I chuckled and made some joke about it not being anytime soon … but it did make me think … will I have to give up my motorcycle for Mrs. SBM?

I thought about writing about my motorcycle and one of the possible reasons I might have stop riding (outside of horrific accident, a good friend dying, or me getting bored … as usual), but then it led my mind to think bigger. What kinds of things might my potential life mate ask me to give up? What kind of things will I want her to stop? Do I have any right to ask her to stop popping her gum when around me? Can she really ask me to give up motorcycle riding (we know that’s a no … too many groupies)?

I think some things are ok … but somethings are just asking too much. Here is the official SBM list of acceptable and unacceptable sacrifices to be demanded.

Things you shouldn’t ask your mate to give up:

• Watching TV
• Playing Video Games
• Cooking “too much”
• Riding a motorcycle (if they had it when u met them)
• Working at their current job
• Chewing with their mouth open (let it go)
• Wearing sneakers (don’t change his style)
• Stop wearing pink shirts (you knew he was metro when u met him)
• Going out with their friends
• Model Trains (If he/she is into that)
• Giving you great oral sex
• Always wanting to give you great oral sex
• Bringing their girlfriend over for a threesome (if she is a girl)
• Rubbing your feet then liking in between the cracks
• Giving you head in the car
• Letting you watch the game/your show/victoria’s secret fashion show … in peace

Things your shouldn’t feel bad about asking your mate to give up:

• Smoking in your house
• Coming to your house and dirtying up the place
• Not giving you oral sex (slob on that knob … like corn on the cob)
• Stealing from you
• Lying to you .. all the time … even about what time of day it is (”I said its 10pm and I don’t care if the sun is rising! Don’t you trust me!”)
• Taking out loans in your name and letting them default
• Cheating on you and bringing the people to your house for food after
• Cuming in your mouth Tricking you into doing something when Aunt Flow is visiting
• Smoking crack
• Selling crack
• Pretty much anything related to large quanities of crack or cocaine (I’m from DC … gotta include it)
• Ejaculating in your eye and saying “you see me coming”
• Constantly trying to smell your dick
• Coming into the bedroom with a dildo telling you (the guy) … I want to show you something
• Bringing friends from work for a threesome (if he’s a guy … cause thats gay)
• F*cking your sister … repeatedly
• Pimping hoes … like literally selling women’s body for money
• Taking your car, going out and committing a series of felonies, then picking up a “side person”, have sex in your car, and then bring back the car and deny the funny smell, weird stains, or the warrants for arrest that are now coming in your name.

This is just a little guideline … but I think you get the idea. Some stuff is cool

My good friend and fellow blogger Mikki wrote a post recently entitled “Educated Black People SUCK!!”. Regardless to say … I was practically offended just by reading the title … since I consider myself an Educated Black Person and read Stuff Educated Black People Like on the regular. So I was wondering … why do I suck.

Apparently Mikki had been told by some EBP that he preferred other EBPs (defined by having a college degree of some sort) when it came to relationships … and this apparently upset her … higlhy.

I’m not sure how this person came across, but I can’t help but play devil’s advocate.

I can’t say a bachelor’s degree is a hard set requirement for anyone I marry or date seriously, but I will say its pretty durn close. Doesn’t have to be a bachelor’s, doesn’t have to be from any particular school, just has to be something from somewhere … or you should be in school working on one. If you don’t have one, there is going to have to be something about your personality or motivation to overcompensate … or just a good reason or story explaining why it just wasn’t/isn’t a priority.

*disclaimer*: I don’t really agree with the definition of EBP meaning a person with a degree … but Mikki set that definition. Personally … you can be educated and without degree … In my opinion.

I know I might catch hell for this … but if I was afraid of that … I wouldn’t have a blog!

So … in response to Mikki … here are the:

Top 3 Reasons For an EBP to date an EBP

3. Earning Potential

One major concern of most (especially women) is the earning potential of their potential mate. It is no secret I am not accepting of the stay at home housewife, so the earning potential of the future mother of my children is somewhat important. There are plenty of studies and statistics showing the average person with a degree will earn more money than someone without one. There are plenty of people who have become extremely successful without a degree … but I feel like they are the exception … not the norm.

2. Similar Experiences

For me … college was an extreme growing experience. I matured more, learned more, experienced more new things, and found out more about myself in those few years than any other period of my life. It comes up a lot for me in conversations (especially since I’m in a Fraternity too … the best one ever at that … 06) … so I could see it coming up with the person I see every day but never experienced it. I don’t want to feel like I have to duck around the topic and not bring it up … but I can see it happening … especially if you hate all degreed black people … like some.

1. Equality in the Relationship

With something like this … it was hard picking a #1 because I haven’t had to think about it in depth before, but I think this could be the biggest reason. For anyone without a degree, I would need to know why you thought going to school just wasn’t important enough. Was it because your mom died and you had to work to take care of your brother? Was it because you already had a small business that was in the black and decided to educate in some other method? Was it because you have a problem with core of the American Education System and your removal from it is a boycott of something you just couldn’t support? Or are you just being lazy and “don’t feel like it”?

If I decide to be with you I am obviously happy with you flaws and all … but I don’t think I could avoid never thinking about why you didn’t go to school and why I could do it and you can’t and won’t … assuming there weren’t extenuating circumstances. I know this same inequality could exist if I have a Harvard PhD and she has a associates from the county community college … but I guess I’m just not that bourgeoise.

Conclusion … Couldn’t help but write a response. As I repeat … It is not a hard set requirement for me that you have a college degree to be my wife … but best believe if you don’t … I want to know everything behind why.

Movies, fairytales, romance novels, popular culture, and probably a couple of your friends. These sources have convinced many people that they should spend their life searching for that “one special person”. We have been told all to often that there is one perfect soul mate for us out there and that if we just keep moving on, minding our own business … we will meet this person. We will have the perfect marriage, live in a perfect house, and have perfect sex. We are all destined to meet our soul mate … so just keep the faith … and it will be good.

Bullsh*t!

I honestly could never figure out what exactly has made this “idea” so popular. From a logical and emotional standpoint, I’m not sure what has made this idea and belief so popular, but I am here to let everyone know that there is no one single soul mate for you. You do not have to search the world looking for just one magical person. Love is achievable by all (even though some of these bucket heads don’t deserve it). But instead of this being some optimistic “It’s gonna be OK” post, I’m just going to chip away at the logic of this “The One” idea.

The population of the earth is about 6 billion people. In the US, there are about 300 million people. Lets say half are of the opposite sex, so 150 million people of the opposite sex. Lets say the “dateable” section out of that comes out to be 10 million after taking care of age and whatnot. So … your supposed to find this one person out of 10 million people? Across 50 states and DC? Really …?

Suppose your soul mate took a job 5 states over? Suppose a “wrinkle” in fate placed your future significant other in another country? Suppose when you met them, their hair was jacked … and you didn’t look twice.

The Truth

Everybody could be happy with one of several different people. If love was this mystical thing that the universe had to conspire to get you with him/her, then people would fall in love multiple times and find “happiness” more than once. What happens is you find someone who you like and it works, then you start claiming “I found my soul mate … I knew he/she was the one”. How quickly we forget that you said the same thing a year before. After you find someone good, the search is over and you forget about the 99% failure rate. Its like finding your keys and saying “It was in the last place I looked for it”. WTF … why would you keep looking after!

The Excuse

One sad fact of this “soul mate” theory … as with many other things the “universe” gets the blame for personal failure. Some people can be self critical and improve themselves as a result of failure, but others … just love to blame “the universe”. I can hear it now “Girl … my past 15 relationship have ended with me getting dumped for another women … the universe is out to get me” or “Dawg … I can’t find a wifey out here … all these women is smuts … damn the universe”. Naw … no man wants you because your a b*tch … and you keep getting smuts cause you just can’t seem to stop using b*tch on your first dates.

So … I say there is hope for everyone. Don’t spend your life looking for that perfect one. Find someone who makes you happy and you like being around … thats all you really need. Perfection is an illusion. Don’t rob yourself chasing a dream.