Single Black Male

My good friend and fellow blogger Mikki wrote a post recently entitled “Educated Black People SUCK!!”. Regardless to say … I was practically offended just by reading the title … since I consider myself an Educated Black Person and read Stuff Educated Black People Like on the regular. So I was wondering … why do I suck.

Apparently Mikki had been told by some EBP that he preferred other EBPs (defined by having a college degree of some sort) when it came to relationships … and this apparently upset her … higlhy.

I’m not sure how this person came across, but I can’t help but play devil’s advocate.

I can’t say a bachelor’s degree is a hard set requirement for anyone I marry or date seriously, but I will say its pretty durn close. Doesn’t have to be a bachelor’s, doesn’t have to be from any particular school, just has to be something from somewhere … or you should be in school working on one. If you don’t have one, there is going to have to be something about your personality or motivation to overcompensate … or just a good reason or story explaining why it just wasn’t/isn’t a priority.

*disclaimer*: I don’t really agree with the definition of EBP meaning a person with a degree … but Mikki set that definition. Personally … you can be educated and without degree … In my opinion.

I know I might catch hell for this … but if I was afraid of that … I wouldn’t have a blog!

So … in response to Mikki … here are the:

Top 3 Reasons For an EBP to date an EBP

3. Earning Potential

One major concern of most (especially women) is the earning potential of their potential mate. It is no secret I am not accepting of the stay at home housewife, so the earning potential of the future mother of my children is somewhat important. There are plenty of studies and statistics showing the average person with a degree will earn more money than someone without one. There are plenty of people who have become extremely successful without a degree … but I feel like they are the exception … not the norm.

2. Similar Experiences

For me … college was an extreme growing experience. I matured more, learned more, experienced more new things, and found out more about myself in those few years than any other period of my life. It comes up a lot for me in conversations (especially since I’m in a Fraternity too … the best one ever at that … 06) … so I could see it coming up with the person I see every day but never experienced it. I don’t want to feel like I have to duck around the topic and not bring it up … but I can see it happening … especially if you hate all degreed black people … like some.

1. Equality in the Relationship

With something like this … it was hard picking a #1 because I haven’t had to think about it in depth before, but I think this could be the biggest reason. For anyone without a degree, I would need to know why you thought going to school just wasn’t important enough. Was it because your mom died and you had to work to take care of your brother? Was it because you already had a small business that was in the black and decided to educate in some other method? Was it because you have a problem with core of the American Education System and your removal from it is a boycott of something you just couldn’t support? Or are you just being lazy and “don’t feel like it”?

If I decide to be with you I am obviously happy with you flaws and all … but I don’t think I could avoid never thinking about why you didn’t go to school and why I could do it and you can’t and won’t … assuming there weren’t extenuating circumstances. I know this same inequality could exist if I have a Harvard PhD and she has a associates from the county community college … but I guess I’m just not that bourgeoise.

Conclusion … Couldn’t help but write a response. As I repeat … It is not a hard set requirement for me that you have a college degree to be my wife … but best believe if you don’t … I want to know everything behind why.

Movies, fairytales, romance novels, popular culture, and probably a couple of your friends. These sources have convinced many people that they should spend their life searching for that “one special person”. We have been told all to often that there is one perfect soul mate for us out there and that if we just keep moving on, minding our own business … we will meet this person. We will have the perfect marriage, live in a perfect house, and have perfect sex. We are all destined to meet our soul mate … so just keep the faith … and it will be good.

Bullsh*t!

I honestly could never figure out what exactly has made this “idea” so popular. From a logical and emotional standpoint, I’m not sure what has made this idea and belief so popular, but I am here to let everyone know that there is no one single soul mate for you. You do not have to search the world looking for just one magical person. Love is achievable by all (even though some of these bucket heads don’t deserve it). But instead of this being some optimistic “It’s gonna be OK” post, I’m just going to chip away at the logic of this “The One” idea.

The population of the earth is about 6 billion people. In the US, there are about 300 million people. Lets say half are of the opposite sex, so 150 million people of the opposite sex. Lets say the “dateable” section out of that comes out to be 10 million after taking care of age and whatnot. So … your supposed to find this one person out of 10 million people? Across 50 states and DC? Really …?

Suppose your soul mate took a job 5 states over? Suppose a “wrinkle” in fate placed your future significant other in another country? Suppose when you met them, their hair was jacked … and you didn’t look twice.

The Truth

Everybody could be happy with one of several different people. If love was this mystical thing that the universe had to conspire to get you with him/her, then people would fall in love multiple times and find “happiness” more than once. What happens is you find someone who you like and it works, then you start claiming “I found my soul mate … I knew he/she was the one”. How quickly we forget that you said the same thing a year before. After you find someone good, the search is over and you forget about the 99% failure rate. Its like finding your keys and saying “It was in the last place I looked for it”. WTF … why would you keep looking after!

The Excuse

One sad fact of this “soul mate” theory … as with many other things the “universe” gets the blame for personal failure. Some people can be self critical and improve themselves as a result of failure, but others … just love to blame “the universe”. I can hear it now “Girl … my past 15 relationship have ended with me getting dumped for another women … the universe is out to get me” or “Dawg … I can’t find a wifey out here … all these women is smuts … damn the universe”. Naw … no man wants you because your a b*tch … and you keep getting smuts cause you just can’t seem to stop using b*tch on your first dates.

So … I say there is hope for everyone. Don’t spend your life looking for that perfect one. Find someone who makes you happy and you like being around … thats all you really need. Perfection is an illusion. Don’t rob yourself chasing a dream.

College is when I first noticed this, but its even more applicable outside the hallowed halls of my alma mater. You had a lot of girls ready for a real committed relationship (or at least they claimed they were) and a lot of guys who wanted none of that “boo boo” business.

But on the other hand, some guys were worst than the women … damn near wanting to get married … often times meeting a female who wanted to “play the field”. Why was this disconnect so commonplace?

Psychologists use the idea of mental age and chronological age for a long time. It comes into play with your IQ, when placing you in regular school or special education, and determining mental retardation in some aspect. Well, if your intelligence can be translated into an age, why can’t your ability to successfully enter and maintain a relationship.

Relationship Age … simply stated … is a number that shows your ability to enter and maintain a relationship. Sometimes you have the ability to be the best boyfriend/girlfriend on earth, but your desire to date like there is no tomorrow hurts your score. You could be ready to find your husband/wife tomorrow and settle down … but selfishness, unwillingness to compromise, or the fact you can’t not f*ck someone who offers may is going to keep you from reaching relationship puberty.

The concept is solid … but the actual definition of each age is a work in progress … but here is the current list … a work in progress (so feel free to add or offer redefinitions). Based on Paiget’s levels.

Infant (0-2 years)

You are selfish, or a chronic cheater, or a self-confessed “player for life”, or <insert dealbreaker>. Luckily, you aren’t looking for a relationship and couldn’t get a decent mate if you tried. Not only are the “red flags” so obvious you might as well have a tattoo on their forehead, but they also poision anything approaching a relationship.

Toddler (2-7 years)

You are capable of puppy love and crushes. As long as serious motions aren’t involved and things aren’t serious, you can maintain a “situation” for long enough to earn you a title. Too bad it always ends relatively soon and real “commitment” still scares you … but at least the word “relationship” isn’t foreign anymore.

Youngin* (7-11 years)

Thought of a girlfriend isn’t so bad. You have learned to make little compromises and kind of care about someone other than yourself. You realize that your actions can hurt another person … but … it hasn’t stopped you from “doing you” when needed. Seeing happy people has made you think a boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t so bad anymore. If only she/he didn’t complain so much (”what you mean we gotta talk everyday?!?!?!”).

Teenager (11-17 years)

You are definitely open to a real relationship. The though of things like marriage scare you … but a real commitment isn’t bad at all. You still got your flaws, and you still f*ck up every now and again, but your capable of compromise, can listen to the other person, and can show affection. You may even drop an L bomb (the word “love”) if you felt it was right. One common flaw at this age is just not knowing yourself or what you really want. The desire is there … but the execution still needs work.

Adulthood (18+ years)

You finally made it. The key to getting here was finally learning yourself and coming to terms with it. You are willing, ready, and prepared for a lifetime commitment. You know what it takes to keep your counterpart happy and smiling all day. You don’t have ridiculous demands, you give as well as you ask, and you don’t ask for more than you deserve. If you meet another adult … you’ll make a beautiful union … too bad most people never make it above teenager and you fall into some 3% of the population. Maybe you can teach one of these teens something … maybe …

I know someone is going to ask “so what level are you at SBM?”. Well … don’t worry about me … worry about you … but I will say this … I’m not a relationship adult yet. I’m still on my journey of self discovery and the thought of marriage seems so so far away. But I see myself growing … so I’m not worried … yet.

*To anyone from the DC area, I understand “Youngin” is a term not tied to age … but it just works here. Besides … no one says youngin anymore!

I have talked about my theory of Fundamental Character Flaws and believe everyone should have a list of things that they simply cannot stand for in terms of a mate (dealbreakers). It makes sense that there are some things you deserve to receive from your mate, and its good to know what you want. But … what happens when you really don’t know what you know … or when you “know” too much. That’s when:

Knowing what you want goes wrong!

Lets examine two examples of then “knowing what you want … goes wrong”.

The 100 Page List Writer

This woman has envisioned the perfect man since the day she stopped thinking boys were “icky”. She knows what he looks like, where he went to school, what cologne he wears, his shoe size, what fraternity he is in, and what flavor of syrup he likes on his pancakes. She will know him when she meets him (because of an elaborate scoring system she designed in grad school to quickly identify him) and all she has to do is wait in the right place (because she already knows the types of places he goes and the type of women he likes).

The Know Nothing Know-it-all

This man knows exactly what turns him on and isn’t going to settle for less. His list isn’t as exact, but it has all the major things in terms of her likes and career goals and motivations. He knows what he wants.
Oddly enough, he knows very little about himself. He doesn’t know what he wants to do with his degree, he can’t tell you want movies he regular sees, and even when he goes to buy lotion … they just all look so good!
And more interesting, he is the same way with women. While his first girlfriend had everything he asked for, every girl he has dated afterward has been different and opened his eyes in some way.
But damned if you can tell him he doesn’t know what he wants!

(more…)

I’m actually sick and it kind of sucks. I won’t go into the specifics, but if I don’t feel better tomorrow, the doctor is going to be called. So if this post is lacking … blame it on the illness.

Missing work led to a discussion with a former interest of mine about being sick and caring for another person. I made a strong argument that one reason we didn’t work out is because she didn’t care for me when I was sick.

Early on when we were dating, she got a little cough and asked me to come care for her. I got some soup and orange juice and tried to make her feel good.

A few weeks later when I found myself a little sick, I called her for assistance. I told her I needed someone to “nurse me to health” … she chuckled and started talking about something else … giving me some BS excuse about why she couldn’t do it.

This wasn’t the last incident … but it was the first time her selfishness became apparent.

She wasn’t my girlfriend, but all the time I spent with her … you wouldn’t have been able to tell.  Are you only expected to nurse somebody if their your official boyfriend or girlfriend?  I figure … if you sleep over more than 3 times in any week … then you can bring me some chicken soup.

Was I wrong for asking her to make me feel better? Doesn’t asking someone for something and refusing to return the favor define selfishness? Was I asking too much?