Single Black Male

Its been awhile since I responded to an email.  They haven’t been coming in as often as usual (in addition to a small backlog on my part).  Remember … got a burning question … hit me at sbm@singleblackmale.net.  While I am only one man with one opinion, the comment sections go crazy with good (and equally deplorable questionable) advice.

So … this reader told me:

I’m sure you get a lot of emails asking why black men do some of the things you do. But something happen to me last month that I just have to know the answer to. I’m a black female and I met a black male on line a couple months ago. We met up only after a few online chats and I thought hit it off great. We talked (text actually) pretty much everyday. He came to my place every weekend for three weeks. Had great times watching movies, doing the do. Then all of a sudden poof! Gone! Just like that he was gone no call, no email, no text…nothing. I checked the website we met on and it said that he had logged on just a few days before. So I sent him a message and I got no response. Of course I thought ok this black mutha$(@*a. I was pissed. I got over it and a few weeks passed and I checked the website again and his profile had been deleted.

The question to you: why do black men think black women are disposable????

Now … first I have to say that this one brotha does not represent the actions, views, or opinions of everyone (I do becuase I am The People’s Champ … but thats different) … so don’t say that we, Black men, as a group treat Black women as disposable.  Personally, I try and never disrespect (or carry) anyone like this.  Even my rare one night stands have gotten enduring words and follow up calls (well … except one … but I meant to call her).

But in your case … I will say there are a couple things I noticed that might have devalued your “position” as girlfriend material and made you “disposable” in this person’s eyes.

You met him online

While I do believe in online dating for several reasons, I do also acknowledge that a few sites in particular (MySpace & BlackPlanet come to mind) that lead themselves very much to hook ups and random meetings.  Like The Club Mentality, it can be hard to take people found here seriously.

There was a high reliance on ‘Text Based Communication”

While I am a whole hearted supporter of Embracing Technology, text messages, emails and IMs, when these are the sole forms of communication … it often shows a lack of commitment on someone’s part.  Its easy to juggle multiple women and keep them at bay when voice and actual interaction is avoided.

First date was a “house date”

***Note*** A follow up email from the reader indicated they actually went out 5-6 times before the house date … but I left this in as a warning to the rest of you.

I have all kinds of hatred for dating as it is and some of the crazy demands placed on us men for first dates, but damn it … coming through to the house to watch a movie and f*ck is not a date!  Unless someone is cooking … its a glorified Booty Call.

You “Hit it Off”

I can attest to the fact of being able to fake “hitting it off” in order to achieve more sinister goals.  Its hard to tell genuine interest from “I just gotta keep smiling for like 2 more days so I can hit” mentality … but thats a whole post on its own.  Ain’t there a book on it?

So … those few things can put you on a path that you don’t want to be on.  If your just looking for a good time … no problem … but if you want a loving and lasting relationship … you need to watch out for a couple of our tricks … just don’t go crazy and get yourself overly paranoid about every man “not doing enough” … like some people I know (yeah … I’m talking to that one person … and she knows who she is).

And lastly … don’t let this one guy ruin your view of all black men.  I’m pretty great myself and there are plenty around looking for a good woman.  Just gotta watch out for the “bad ones”.

Now that I’ve spit my piece … SBM Fam … preach.

If most of you haven’t noticed … I often take Thursdays as my day of rest … but I hate the fact it leaves this whole in the week.  This site often keeps me going through the day … so these thursday lulls (although I kinda sorta get more work done) aren’t desirable.

So … I want to hear from you, your friends, your lovers, your cousin with the funny eye, and fellow bloggers.

Ever had something you wanted to get out but had no site of your own?

Ever had a really good conversation with your friends about dating that you wanted to get the opinion of another coupe hundred people on?

Ever think “This b*tch ass ninja SBM aint sh*t!  I could write way better stuff then him”?

Well … here is your chance (and it better be some hot sh*t if your the last one).  I want to start highlighting other writers and blogs on thursdays.  If you have something out there you already wrote and meshes well with the site, tell me and I’ll put the post here and a link back to your site and content.  Got something new and original you want out there … send it in and I’ll give you credit and links back to your home or business.

I have already gotten some stuff and just gotta shift and work it out.  But Ima get around it … stop pressin me!

So … sbm@singleblackmale.net is the email address.  Let me know what you got and if your interested.

Generally looking for about 300-500 words and it needs to be based on dating, relationships, marriage, and all that good sh*t.  I am a mean sumbitch … but I’ll try and be nice if I can’t use it.  Try …

Comeback tomorrow for the world renowned (YEAH … WORLD!) Friday “Rantings of an SBM” and come share with the family.

A reader is having a spat over the style of her hair.  Here is what she told me …

I’ve been dating a guy for about 4 months.  When he met me I had long mid-back length hair but during that time I was also growing out my relaxer for a year.  I’d told him about this countless times but I’m not sure he understood, whatever.   He had been out of town for a week and during that week I decided to cut all of my relaxed hair ends.  After cutting everything off I felt so beautiful with all my curls.  I ended up straightening my hair for an event where he met up with me.  He said something about my short shoulder-length hair but I just brushed it off.  Fast-forward to the weekend, he see’s me with the natural look and his face looks so disgusted!  He was looking at it and was like “Where the hell is your hair???” I explained to him the whole transitioning/cut thing and he responded with ” So you’re bald headed now?” I say  “No, my hair is actually to the bottom of to my shoulders when straightened and you just saw that at the event, now you see my curls”.  Then he gets ignorant and says “At least you don’t have normal black people’s hair! I’m glad you aint nappy” I was thinking WTF!!!  No compliments or anything…just pure ignorance!  I felt like punching his ass and I did not want to be around him much longer at that point. I ignored him for about 2 days because I was so hurt.  He messaged me later with this ”I’m NOT into that, Sorry.”  I did not respond back.  Then he came to my house apologizing on my doorstep (I wouldn’t let him inside) about his comments and the message that he sent.  He’s definately an ass and I’m kinda glad that he showed his true colors but now I am SUPER discouraged.  I love my hair because of it’s versatility and have recieved so many compliments when it’s straight or curly.  I’m not saying that one should change their hair for a man but I just hope that my hair doesn’t turn guys off.  Do you think guys like the straight look more?   I’m not sure I can trust him now.  What do you think? Do you also think this is how many men feel?  I didn’t think hair was that serious for men.

First off, I must say that hair is very important to most (if not all) guys.  Its almost like breasts … the opinions vary a lot and include a wide range … but damnit if everyone doesn’t have a preference.  I have one friend who loves girls with mohawks, one who loves the natural look, one who preferes short hair in general, another who hates weaves, and others who like straight and long.  Personally, I like a couple different styles … but I generally detest weaves and I want something I can grab on while I’m … uh … moving on …

Now that I addressed that … I can’t completely knock the guy for feeling “SomeKindaWay” about the drastic change in hair … I can only fault him for being as ass about it (even an asshole such as myself knows better than to say “at least your not nappy”).  Is this guy white by chance?

While in the perfect world he would only love you for the contents of your soul and the virtue of your character, the reality is that hair is a big thing.  You losing some 12 to 24 inches of your hair considering the “dating” period has been relatively short (4 months), its kind of like someone gaining or losing 20 lbs.  The person may now be too skinny, or too fat, causing problems to ensue.

The main thing I want to say to you … don’t be discouraged.  I know personally, I love short and curly.  Unless this dude is like the greatests motherf*cker in existance, and your willing to change, and your willing to put up with the showing of his ass, and your willing to ignore his ignorance … then change and grow your hair out.  Since I’m willing to assume he isn’t worth it … in this case I will say to move on.

As long as your hair looks good … every guy might not like it … but there are plenty who will!

Am I wrong?

Another reader submitted email:

An acquaintance of mine has a dillema, and I wanted to know what you & the readers thought of this:

Her husband, went to Black Bike Week in South Carolina. Fast forward a few weeks later, and she gets a forwarded email with a link to a picture website. This website happens to have pictures of her husband at a party, and pics of him hanging out with random girls. He doesn’t have on his wedding ring in any of the pics, in some of the pictures he’s watching some really raunchy booty dancing (not participating though), and in another pic he’s hugged up with a pregnant girl and holding her belly. How do you respond to this? If this was your situation would you get upset? She has two kids and is determined to keep her family together, so he frequently gets a pass for doing stupid things. Her thought process is, that since the pictures don’t show him kissing or doing anything really raunchy with any girls, that she should just internalize it and drop it.

I don’t know what to tell her…I tend to run from this type of drama.

As a two time black bike week veteran, this one seems pretty cut & dry.

I wouldn’t take it to serious and your “friend” (funny how its always a friend) should bring it up to her husband, but I don’t think she should be too mad or upset about it. The only picture with him and another woman include a pregnant woman. The picture probably was subtitled with “Look at this mess … a pregnant girl at bike week” not “Damn … I want me some of that” (BTW … if you have the picture … I would love to see it). Also, with the “booty dancing”, he wasn’t participating. Similar to a stip club I would say, but he wasn’t paying and wasn’t touching. And lets be real … was he supposed to look away?

So in conclusion, I would tell her to ask about them in a joking manner and judge his response, but I have been down there with friends who have girlfriends. They both knew what was “too much” and acted accordingly. They were drunk and with their male friends in the crazy atmosphere of black bike week, but none came back with a story that they couldn’t tell their girlfriends (well … one kinda … but he literally ran once “too much” started happening).

Can I get a co-sign?

Sorry for that little hiatus. Besides the fact that there was just way too much going on … I also didn’t mention I was going to Puerto Rico for the past couple of days. I’m so relaxed now … so relaxed.

So, a faithful reader sent me an email saying:

Ok she was kicking it with a dude like 2 years ago, and some how the ex got hold of her phone and searched her current mates number and called it. The guy ended up breaking it off with her because of this phone call. She dunno what her ex said to him but she figure it was something along the lines of why you callin my woman type deal.

She really liked dude and til this day she wonders what coulda been. She feels like she didnt get a chance to plea her case about what happen and she needs closure but he wont return calls, or respond to emails. If you was him what would you do? would you give her a chance to explain. I mean I know females come a dime a dozen but this one mighta been a keeper and her ex fucked it up. Can you atleast hear her out??

Honestly, I don’t have no sympathy for the chic. Maybe its my Ice Cold demeanor … maybe its the lack of emotions … maybe its some deep seated misogyny … who knows.

Personally, the whole situation is highly suspect. How does your ex of 2 years get your phone? Why does he know the name of your current “mate”? What did you do to him that was so foul that he feels the need to call and warn this new person? How serious was your “situation” that he cut you off without so much as a “break up” call?

The whole thing reeks. I really don’t trust the girl as some innocent person and if whatever the ex said was good enough … then so be it. I am generally a firm believer of cutting people off. I am also a believer of cutting people off without an explanation if they don’t deserve an explation.

Sorry … but I guess your girl just didn’t deserve an explanation (and know the “She really liked dude” carries no weight)!