Single Black Male

“Man … look at her.  She’s georgeous”
“What?  Who are you talking about?”
“That girl right there in the pink with the track body”
“What the f*ck?  She’s like 98 pounds, no ass, no titties.  Gimme that one standing right behind her.  Hmmmph”
“Are you serious?  Why would you want that fat ass?”
“Because dawg … she has a phat ass”

I will tell you right now … I am person #2.  Skinny girls scare me and I need some meet on my bones.

Now, don’t get me wrong … I’m not talking about that 350 lbs super thick chick that can’t move right.  I don’t have any big girl fetish or anything crazy like that … but I like ass … and I really like breasts.  By accepting just a little baby fat … I don’t have to settle or search the world for a thin waist and … exaggerated assets.

Also, when I say skinny … i really mean skinny.  Not lean, not average … but “damn … when was the last time she had a hamburger” skinny.  Model skinny (Tyra Banks excluded).  No ass or titties skinny … yet I have plenty of friends loving the look.

When I see a skinny chic, a bunch of things run through my mind.  All these scenarios of me holding her up with one hand, pushing her against the wall, and doing acrobatic moves with her run through my mind … but then the reality of it all settles in … and soon I think of the reasons why … Skinny girls scare me:

1. Will I break her?
   • I’m no small guy (Over 6′ and 200+ lbs) … and have been (unfairly … kinda) given the label of a “sex freak” by friends.  Do I have to worry that you can’t hang?  Do I have to be concerned that when I’m trying to give it to you … you might not be able to take it?  Hmmm
2. Can you cook? Are you broke?  Eating disorder?
   
   • Now, obesity is a problem and I’m not saying I want obese women … but why are you so skinny?  Can’t afford food?  Can’t cook and you can just make salads?  Are you anorexic?  I just don’t need to deal with convincing you to eat or looking at me funny while I crush my wings and mumbo sauce.
3. Where did your ass go?
   • Its possibly to be skinny and have an ass (this one doesn’t apply to you), but chance are your not walking around with the proverbial … donkey.  And I can live with that … but where did your breasts go?
4. Where did your breasts go?
   • Absolutely inexcusable!!!!
5. Are you going to eat?
   • I am a big fan of good food, cooking, and trying new food.  Around the 4th time you turn down trying the steak on my plate because “this salad is really filling” … its going to be a wrap.

Anyways … I like a little meat on my bones.  Too big is just as bad as too skinny … but don’t give me Kate Moss … give me Toccarra!!!

Any lovers of the thick sista?  Anyone who wants him (or her) a backside to grab onto?

It can’t just be me …

I once found myself at the house warming party for a friend of a friend. It was a girl who I went to school with, but didn’t really know at school.

As the night progressed … liquor was flowing and good times were being had. We played some game “Mafia”, talked about randomness, and just all chilled. There were some ok looking girls there … but nothing worth writing about.

So … one of my line brothers shows up after I tell him there are more women than men. He is currently in law school and decided to bring one of his friends from law school. After a few minutes … a conversation breaks out.

LB’s Friend: “I just bought a 42″ LCD for my house. Its great … women love 42 inches”
SBM: “Why do you need a 42″ tv for women. Your in law school … women love lawyers”
LB (Line Brother): “I don’t know … I think the big tv would impress them more”
SBM: “What kind of bucket heads you talking to? With the high amount of golddiggery afoot … lawyers are gonna do well”
Friend: “Well … we’re not lawyers yet … just in law school”
SBM: “Hmmmm … interesting. So does the immediate showing of wealth prove to be more interesting than the potential of 6 figures? Present Value vs. Future Value”
LB: “I don’t think women are going to go for future value. TV wins”
SBM: “Lets go straight to the source. Excuse me” I say as I tug on the hostesses arm. “I got a question for you. What’s more attractive: A 42 inch TV or someone in law school”
Hostess: *turns neck as she talks* “Thats a stupid question. Who would decide a man on either”
SBM: “Indulge me. I’m drunk, your drunk (she was), their almost drunk and we need a female opinion”
Hostess: “Its a stupid question though. Who cares what he has if his ‘dick game’ is right”
SBM: *lets out heavy sigh* “He has to work his way up to sex in the first place … right?  It is a stupid question. Can you just give me a stupid answer?”
Hostess: “But why should I? What does it matter?”

This back and forth continues for like 15 minutes and concludes with her polling the rest of the women there asking “Is this a stupid question or what?”.

This characterizes one significant flaw with the general female populous … you can’t argue over stupid sh*t. Well … I take that back … ya’ll will argue over stupid sh*t until your blue in the face if you think its important … but when I ask you if Superman can beat Batman, I’ve offended your intellect. Yet, strap vs. no strap on some Versace sandals is worthy of 30 minutes of internal struggle, a call to your sister, 3 picture messages to your girlfriend, and 15 minutes of meditation while drinking green tea.

Is anyone else tired of this? Does anyone else wish they could argue about stupid hypothetical situations with your woman? Anyone else interested in a deep philosophical debate about how the smurfs had a village with only one female smurf? Was she a hoe or were they all gay?

I am a firm believer that where you grow up plays a significant role in terms of your personality, expectations in life, dialect, accent, and even what you want from a man or women. Some might argue … but trust me … its undeniable

Going to a big state school brought in people from all over. Also being minutes away from Howard University and living in the Washington DC area, a mixing pot from all across the nation (and world really), I have dated, talked with, yelled obscenities across the street at (hey you … in the pink … with the ass), and courted women from all over the country. I am far from “full coverage” of the spectrum, but here are my findings so far.

So … here is SBM’s handy guide to dating from different regions.

*disclaimer*: This applies only to Black Women.

Washington, DC & Prince George’s County, MD

Figured I would start with home. People now call the area the DMV (for DC, Maryland, & Virginia), but things can change up big time when you cross the state or county line.

I personally have enacted a ban on all women who were raised in either of these areas. I can’t stand them at all! I have only dated one for a significant amount of time, but have grown up around them, and they have some of the worst attitudes I have ever encountered. They expect a lot, usually have a streak of hood rat in them, no matter how good the pedigree, and love to get mad over the stupidest sh*t ever. The B* word comes to mind as I write this. Also, if your not from here expect to spend a lot of time in my glossary trying to understand her.

Quick tempers, “unique” style in clothes, high demands, disproportionate love for thugs, and an undeserved sense of “I’m the sh*t” even when she isn’t, characterizes this one. Proceed with caution.

I will say … we have gorgeous women though. PG is nicknamed “Pretty Girl” county and damn it if we don’t live up to it. I mean even going to church turns into a mental test of concentration.

Baltimore

I don’t know what it is, but two things Baltimore is filled with … Big Girls and Rollers (women of a promiscuous nature). One of the few place I know that still has a red light district with hookers and strip clubs. Be careful of an STD though, they flirt with the #1 spot for AIDS every other year.

The stories my friends have of some Bmore girls are just nuts though, especially those who went to school up there. One guy got approached by a girl who said “I wanna f*ck you tonight” and then walked off. He didn’t think anything of it, until she found him at the let out and took him home. Damn.

New York City

Sometimes it shocks me how quickly this city can ruin good women. I don’t know if I’ve ever met a New Yorker I liked. Because of the general “don’t trust anyone” attitude of all new Yorkers, they can be crass, rude and obviously distrusting. Nowhere is like NY, according to them, and everywhere south of Philly is
the “South” (so stupid). Everywhere is slow compared to NY, and expect to work for anything with this women. Also, don’t expect favors, kind words, or not to work overly hard … for anything. I hear if your a fellow New Yorker … its all much easier.

New Jersery

They provide balance to the NY area. They are a lot nicer, strong lovers, and usually well balanced and good catches. Accents can get annoying (I swear if I hear “caw-feee” instead of “coffee” one more time in my life), but a small price to pay for a well rounded individual.

Atlanta

A varied bunch with the recent growth of the city and the extreme increase in them number of implants (people moving there from some other city … not titties). Generally, really big into getting married and settling down, but overall seem a little crazy. Country but progressive. Expect to truly deal with the “hybrid” (old school chivalry mixed with new aged independence).

Texas (based on Austin, TX)

They say Austin is a lot different then the rest of Texas, but I have visited Houston & Dallas too. Generally, Texas women are so nice … I mean makes me feel special nice. I mean, there just aren’t bad attitudes. I’m talking about a girl actually apologizing to me because her feet hurt and she doesn’t want to dance!

They seemed to be slightly under par in the looks department (sorry) … but made up for it with their personalities. Texas based women still hold a special place in my heart (plus how many other women can do “My dougie” and know about Chamillionaire back in the “Color Changing Clique” days and Slim Thug when he was a “Boss Hogg Outlaw”.

Florida

A lot of variance, so haven’t made any across the board observations except one … never have I met a set of women so comfortable with sharing exactly what is on their mind … no matter if its hurtful or mean … as long as its the truth. Its kind of refreshing … unless she f’s around and hurts your feeling by saying something.

Actually, these women also love hard! So far, they intrigue me. I’m gonna add a few more to the roster and see what happens.

Seattle, Washington

THERE ARE NO BLACK WOMEN IN SEATTLE!

I was there 3 months. Saw like 5 or 6 and they seem to not want to acknowledge the fact they gotta compete with millions of white women with a sweet tooth for chocolate. I did not enjoy Seattle!

Midwest

No across the board observations … but I’ve never had anything with any of them work out at all. I’ve had guy friends from Chi-town, and them n*ggas are wild. I mean every single one acts straight like Bernie Mac. Loud, arrogant, cocky, and quick to blow up. Never dated anyone from the chi, but I can only imagine what living in a city of Bernie Macs does to a woman.

So what cities did I miss? Any females available to co-sign with my regional descriptions (or argues as I know someone will)? The west has generally been unknown to me, so anyone can fill it in for me?

“He’s got on a pink shirt … He’s Gay”
“He wouldn’t buy me a drink at the bar … He’s Gay”
“He said he rather see ‘the guys’ than me … He’s Gay”
“He said the word ‘toiletries’ … He’s Gay”
“He didn’t want none of this p*ssy … He’s Gay”

I know the whole brother’s on the Down Low got women scared … but damn … this is getting out of control. I hear a little too often girls claiming that a guy is gay off some bullsh*t. Maybe he just doesn’t want you … maybe he is a little metrosexual (something I can’t support … no matter how much my friend likes his pink polo) … or maybe he’s a Kappa … but why must he be gay.

This was inspired by one of my few female acquaintances … here our convo.

*She starts*: My friend was dating this guy for like 2 years. He gave her a promise ring and told her he was going to marry her after she graduated college. We all thought they were a great couple.

*She continues*: Then she graduated … they continued dating for a few months … but no wedding. She tried to move in with him … but he wasn’t having it … then all of a sudden … he dumped her with no reason.

*I ask*: Really … he didn’t give any reason.

*She replies*: Some BS about how she was “needy” and unmotivated and he wanted to advance his career and needed a “go-getter”.

*I respond*: Uhh … sounds like a valid reason. Hell … I feel him. He had a change of heart. He was a lil mean about it … but sounds like a real reason.

*She says while snapping neck*: Uh uh … now he is talks about chilling with his “buddies” all the time. That n*gga is gay!!!

*I exclaim*: WTF … how is he gay! Ya’ll just some salty ass females.

*She concludes*: Naw … he likes to go out with his boys … he’s gay.

I’ve read a post about a guy being labeled “gay” because he used the word “toiletries” and I have heard this often unwarranted accusation time and time again … especially from salty women when hey don’t get the particular d*ck they are so desperately searching for.

What would I look like if I said ever girl that rejected me was gay?!?! While the “Billy-Dee-like” game is highly effective … its not 100%. Your boy SBM does catch a no every couple of weeks. So … are all these chicks gay? If she likes sports … is she gay? If she has a motorcycle … is she gay? Hell … just cause she experimented in college after having too much tequila … is she gay (for a guy the answer is yes though … I know … those pesky double standards).

I’ve never faced this accusation (apparently my best [female] friend thinks I’m too hard because I hate on pink polo’s), but I have friends who have had this salem witch hunt like persecution thrown upon them, while knowing that they just didn’t like the girl or just got finished smashing her best friend the night before. Its like calling rape on a guy … its just wrong.

So I beg of you rejected, dejected, salty, homophobic, catty, and just-got-nothing-better-to -do-with-my-time-because -no-man-wants-to-sleep-with-me women … STOP IT!

A lot of women like to say “I’m a player” or “I’m treating these guys just like they treat us”. They come to this conclusion because they sleep with a bunch of guys and feel like they don’t get emotionally attached and are just using these people for d*ck. They claim they “control their sexuality” and identify with Samantha of “Sex and The City” (yes … I do like and I watched the show) … but sadly … 95% of them are mistaken. To that mistaken majority … listen to me now:

YOU ARE A HO!

I’m just tired of these girls who are really promiscuous and loose thinking they are doing something special. Your not! Just because your capable of sleeping with a lot guys does not make you special. Some call it a double standard (because a guy who can sleep with a lot of women may very well be a player) … and it may be … but then again life is filled with double standards. Fresh manicures are necessary for men. Short hair looks better on guys. Paying on the first date is almost a requirement for males. Accept them.

To be a female player, there are certain requirements to be called a female player. Here is a small list of criteria defining the “Female Player”:

You have a solid “team” of highly desirable men

You can’t be a player if you only have one guy. And you can’t be a player if your guys are all the people nobody wants. Any women who considers herself a player, needs to have at her disposal a group of men that genuinely want her, show it, and she is not just sleeping with. You can sleep with people on the team … I’m not saying that … but if they’re staying around because of sex (as a woman … its almost impossible for you to know this) … then your not a player (and you might be a hoe in his eyes) … but if its not the case … you might be a player.

You don’t have to sleep with a guy to get dinner, dates, and attention

Its easy to get sex from a guy. Often times we’ll sleep with anyone as long as their willing. Having money spent on you is significantly harder, but still not that hard. A lot of guys, especially simps, are quick to spend money. When you get a combination of time & money, thats significant. Time being the key thing … as guys, we’re stingy with it … so to get a lot of time without giving sex for a prolonged period of time (2+ months) from several people … you might just be a player.

Your guys stay “in the game” for long periods of time (3+ months)

I personally suffer from Relationship ADD and am quick to lose interest. I know this happens with plenty of other males … so if you find that the people you are “entertaining” stay around for extended periods of time (without sex … cause sex will keep me around for ages) … then you might be a player.

Your guys say they love you and show it

“We don’t love them hoes” … a famous quote by Snoop Doggy Dogg and a general law of the land for men. If your a hoe or thought of as a hoe … then he should not and probably will not show you real love. If your people truly love you … you might be a player.

Your guys get mad and upset at you

Hoes and jumpoffs are not worth getting upset over. We might be mad that the “free p*ssy” is over, but general we’re not going to expend that type of energy over a “second class citizen”. If the people on your team express hurt, caring, anger, disappointment, and other emotions his friend will clown him for … you might be a player.

I hope this was useful to the women out there … because this one is to you. I’m just tired of hos thinking their special (and not all women are hoes … I’m specifically talking to the hos) because the title of player is not easily earned.

Just to argue the other point … there are plenty of guys thinking they are players (many of them simps in reality) … and I will touch on that subject shortly.