Single Black Male

Its friday … you know the deal!

• I’m tired. Really tired.  Its some unmentionable hour in the AM and I’m checking in some code for my project and about to send some emails.
• I’ve found this game on facebook … its called Word Challenge.  I have gotten addicted to it.  It really was something i shouldn’t have discovered the day I was trying to get so much done.
• I’m really really looking forward to this weekend.
• Sorry I haven’t been able to be involved in the comments like I want to.  Working hard …
• I’m still alive …

Thats it.  I’m crucuially tired and its late.

Rant people … I might put up some more in the comments when I wake up.

This post comes from a resident commenter Ms. Deveraux at her blog The Journey of Ms. Deveraux and kicks off me featuring a different writer/blogger/ person who has something to say.  Enjoy.

ADMIRE: to regard with wonder, pleasure, or approval

One thing about living in Chicago that I wouldn’t normally experience in Texas is the personal interactions of strangers on a daily basis. I began to notice the amount of blue collar workers around the city. Oddly enough many of them are black men; of course I love black men who will work, I love your hustle, I am your cheerleader. Plus most of them are very handsome! If I had money I would treat all the hard working blue and white collar black men to a day of pampering and just showing appreciation for all their hard work and struggles. Everyday I see one sweeping the subway stairs, moping the lobby of an office building, riding on the back of the garbage truck, directing traffic, driving the bus, working behind the security desk, lugging cases of drinks in the convenient store. I always look at most of these men and wonder how often they are told they are appreciated and you are doing a good job.

Then you have the white collar black men, who I see walking in the financial district or in the downtown office building dressed in their suits, armed with their briefcase, and ready to do their best in a corporate game that doesn’t really want them around. I believe black men have it the hardest and I am not sure we say I am proud of you or I appreciate you often enough. There are times when if you just say hello or how you doing that could brighten their day especially some of the mean looking black women (sorry but its no secret ya’ll look mean) something to make them smile it can add a boost to there already hard day.

The other day I saw a black man that was maybe in his 50’s crying on the bus. I couldn’t imagine what would bring this grown man to tears on a bus full of strangers. He wasn’t crying hard or loud but you could see the tears flowing from his eyes. My heart hurt for him and all I could do was write him a note saying I didn’t know what burdened him, but that I would pray for him and he should trust the Lord with his issues. It’s hard out here in this world but I think for black men they have it the hardest.

We need our black men they are the hands we stand on. I just think it would be nice if we weren’t so busy being mad that they weren’t dating someone who looked like us and paid more attention to uplifting and appreciating them, then maybe we could start a change one person at a time. The next time you see a black man whether or not you have as many close interaction as I do here in the city, SMILE and say hello. The next time one opens the door for you SMILE and say thank you. If you are close enough, SMILE and say how are you doing today? If you have one living in your home and he gets up everyday and go face a world that doesn’t want him there, when comes home let him know you appreciate him.

I could go on and on, but you all know what I am talking about lets learn to appreciate our hardworking black men.

When you think about a black man what comes to your mind?

When is the last time you told a black man you ADMIRE him?

Please respond to these questions, I am asking for a reason.

**Site Note** New Poll … Whats more important to you?  Sex or Conversation **End Note**

I responded to an reader submission before where a young lady was upset at the person she was dating, who didn’t approve of her change in hairstyle.  Initially it was long and straight, and she decided to keep it natural and curly.  The ensuing problems were interesting, but we already talked about that.  The thing that really stood out to me about the email was the last sentence …

I didn’t think hair was that serious for men

WHAT!!!

Now … those of you who really know me know that I am not a very shallow person.  But … holds major weight when judging woman.  Bad hair can knock a dime to a nickel or take a possible butta-face and turn her into something you might actually want to take out in public.  Hair can work miracles.

Have you ever seen those movies or sitcoms where they take a nerdy girl and turn her into a stunner.  They only do three things to bring about this complete transformation …

1. Take off glasses.
2. Let hair fall to shoulders (they always have silky straight hair … but its always in a ponytail).

Thats it!  Hairstyle instantly turns the boring girl who you might cheat off of into the girl your passing notes to trying to cheat on your girlfriend with.

Lets illustrate this with a personal story.

I went to a friend’s cookout a long time ago.  There was a girl there who seemed cute, but I didn’t think much off.  As the night progressed we found ourselves arguing opposite ends of the same argument (oddly enough the topic was men and chivalry).  While I didn’t agree with her on anything, and her chill clothes and ponytail didn’t impress me … the ferocity with which she argued and the logic in her arguments activated my intelligence fetish and I found myself exchanging information with her later that night.

We chatted and texted, but I nothing seriously happened.  She was that intelligent and cool girl who was … alright.  Then one day she proposed we do sushi and since I was free … I obliged.

I came to pick her up … and she came out with what looked like hair straight out the salon.  It was short, straight, and shoulder length, but kind of fell into her eye the whole night as we talked.  Nothing special … but was doing wonders for her.  She instantly jumped 5 points in my book and soon succumbed to the full force of the Billy Dee like game (which got activated) … very much because of the way those 8 hairs fell across her face when she got into my car.

I love an extreme assortment of hair styles, but I think short and naturals are starting to win me over … and I still detest weaves.  Don’t let a girl with short hair looking good come around me … I would do some of the nastiest things to her body treat her like the queen she is.

I know I’m not the only guy who feels this way!

Its 2008.  There is technology available to us and ingrained into our daily lives that our grandparents could never have dreamed of … all of it greatly effecting the way we date and love in the 21st century.

Now you have cell phones, giving use 24 hour access to your boo.  There is GPS tracking for catching that lying hoe. Text messages have shown us that “b*tches love smiley faces” (Boondocks reference). The list goes on for days …

But … the single biggest impact on dating from the “Information Age” has to be online dating.

Think about it … in your PJs chilling at the crib you can find love, spit game to strangers, or just set up that jump off situation for the night.

Or … you can have a team of computers in a cold room far away use the doctorate research of the greatest minds to scour the internet and find you the perfect match …

WOW …

Personally, if I haven’t found Mrs. SBM by 27 … I’m headed to e-Harmony and finding my mate.  I am a big believer in online dating (in theory) … so let me tell you why.

More selection

If you think about it … the dating system is horribly inefficient (here is where my Economics degree gets utilized).  The whole thing is based on being at the same place at the same time with the right person … and then actually interacting with them.  Whether its the club, bar, professional group, supermarket … its still a lot of chance.  This, as an auctioning system (in pure economic terms that what dating is) … its highly inefficient.  Online dating opens up your selection pool significantly.

Best foot forward

Suppose lightning does strike and you see Mrs. Right.  Oh … wait … she has a ketchup stain on her shirt from that chicken biscuit she had this morning … “keep it moving”.  Now you are passing up a happiness you will never know … because of a random event.  Since online profiles are the best representation of a person, this is what you should judge someone on (as long as its honest … no more putting up high school picks as your profile pics).  This takes out a lot of the volatility that happens in the real world … you know … even things out a bit.

More information sooner

Me … SBM … doesn’t think a phat ass is telling about how good your gonna treat me or if your a b*tch or not.  As a result, I’m not going to approach every attractive female (which would consume all my day with the fine women here in the Nation’s capital).  Online, I know what you look like, what you do for a living, if you went to school, if you got kids, and if your best friends with my crazy ex.  This is sooooo helpful in figuring out who gets poked … and who get passed on.

Computers are smart

Some of these sites actually use well researched algorithms to match people together.  Having a computer science background … damned if I can’t put some trust in these machines.  Hell … I trust the navigation in my car to get me home … why not trust a machine to make sure I’m putting the ring on the right finger.

Now … I say all this with a MySpace failure and a Facebook failure under my belt and having never used Match, e-Harmony, or BlackPeopleMeet … but I’m a thinker … so I still believe its the future.

Any success stories?  Horror Stories? Reasons your going to go out and find that perfect mate online right now?

Its been awhile since I responded to an email.  They haven’t been coming in as often as usual (in addition to a small backlog on my part).  Remember … got a burning question … hit me at sbm@singleblackmale.net.  While I am only one man with one opinion, the comment sections go crazy with good (and equally deplorable questionable) advice.

So … this reader told me:

I’m sure you get a lot of emails asking why black men do some of the things you do. But something happen to me last month that I just have to know the answer to. I’m a black female and I met a black male on line a couple months ago. We met up only after a few online chats and I thought hit it off great. We talked (text actually) pretty much everyday. He came to my place every weekend for three weeks. Had great times watching movies, doing the do. Then all of a sudden poof! Gone! Just like that he was gone no call, no email, no text…nothing. I checked the website we met on and it said that he had logged on just a few days before. So I sent him a message and I got no response. Of course I thought ok this black mutha$(@*a. I was pissed. I got over it and a few weeks passed and I checked the website again and his profile had been deleted.

The question to you: why do black men think black women are disposable????

Now … first I have to say that this one brotha does not represent the actions, views, or opinions of everyone (I do becuase I am The People’s Champ … but thats different) … so don’t say that we, Black men, as a group treat Black women as disposable.  Personally, I try and never disrespect (or carry) anyone like this.  Even my rare one night stands have gotten enduring words and follow up calls (well … except one … but I meant to call her).

But in your case … I will say there are a couple things I noticed that might have devalued your “position” as girlfriend material and made you “disposable” in this person’s eyes.

You met him online

While I do believe in online dating for several reasons, I do also acknowledge that a few sites in particular (MySpace & BlackPlanet come to mind) that lead themselves very much to hook ups and random meetings.  Like The Club Mentality, it can be hard to take people found here seriously.

There was a high reliance on ‘Text Based Communication”

While I am a whole hearted supporter of Embracing Technology, text messages, emails and IMs, when these are the sole forms of communication … it often shows a lack of commitment on someone’s part.  Its easy to juggle multiple women and keep them at bay when voice and actual interaction is avoided.

First date was a “house date”

***Note*** A follow up email from the reader indicated they actually went out 5-6 times before the house date … but I left this in as a warning to the rest of you.

I have all kinds of hatred for dating as it is and some of the crazy demands placed on us men for first dates, but damn it … coming through to the house to watch a movie and f*ck is not a date!  Unless someone is cooking … its a glorified Booty Call.

You “Hit it Off”

I can attest to the fact of being able to fake “hitting it off” in order to achieve more sinister goals.  Its hard to tell genuine interest from “I just gotta keep smiling for like 2 more days so I can hit” mentality … but thats a whole post on its own.  Ain’t there a book on it?

So … those few things can put you on a path that you don’t want to be on.  If your just looking for a good time … no problem … but if you want a loving and lasting relationship … you need to watch out for a couple of our tricks … just don’t go crazy and get yourself overly paranoid about every man “not doing enough” … like some people I know (yeah … I’m talking to that one person … and she knows who she is).

And lastly … don’t let this one guy ruin your view of all black men.  I’m pretty great myself and there are plenty around looking for a good woman.  Just gotta watch out for the “bad ones”.

Now that I’ve spit my piece … SBM Fam … preach.