Single Black Male

Sorry for that little hiatus. Besides the fact that there was just way too much going on … I also didn’t mention I was going to Puerto Rico for the past couple of days. I’m so relaxed now … so relaxed.

So, a faithful reader sent me an email saying:

Ok she was kicking it with a dude like 2 years ago, and some how the ex got hold of her phone and searched her current mates number and called it. The guy ended up breaking it off with her because of this phone call. She dunno what her ex said to him but she figure it was something along the lines of why you callin my woman type deal.

She really liked dude and til this day she wonders what coulda been. She feels like she didnt get a chance to plea her case about what happen and she needs closure but he wont return calls, or respond to emails. If you was him what would you do? would you give her a chance to explain. I mean I know females come a dime a dozen but this one mighta been a keeper and her ex fucked it up. Can you atleast hear her out??

Honestly, I don’t have no sympathy for the chic. Maybe its my Ice Cold demeanor … maybe its the lack of emotions … maybe its some deep seated misogyny … who knows.

Personally, the whole situation is highly suspect. How does your ex of 2 years get your phone? Why does he know the name of your current “mate”? What did you do to him that was so foul that he feels the need to call and warn this new person? How serious was your “situation” that he cut you off without so much as a “break up” call?

The whole thing reeks. I really don’t trust the girl as some innocent person and if whatever the ex said was good enough … then so be it. I am generally a firm believer of cutting people off. I am also a believer of cutting people off without an explanation if they don’t deserve an explation.

Sorry … but I guess your girl just didn’t deserve an explanation (and know the “She really liked dude” carries no weight)!

Here is a scenario given to me by a reader. This one was a head scratcher.

Ok here’s the deal. I have a friend, who’s just a friend, who’s married and his wife is cheating on him and I’ve been talking to him about his problems telling him he shouldn’t give up on his marriage, etc., etc., telling him he should go to counseling go to his pastor etc etc…

Lately we’ve been on the phone all day everyday and it’s clear that we’re falling for each other … but he’s married.

My question is like is this for real or is this a transference of energy. He’s everything i prayed for … or so he appears to be. We haven’t done anything, like even kiss or hug, the connection is purely emotional … nothing physical.

My other question is what should i do? I would never tell a man to leave his wife because that’s wrong and I would never intentionally start dealing with another woman’s husband because it’s bad karma, but at the same time I can’t help how I feel and he can’t help how he feels … if you know what i mean. They’ve been married for 2 years and were together 10 months before they got married. Time doesn’t matter, because if it’s Gods hand at work it could be 2 days as opposed to 10 months, but I’m so confused at this point.

Do i walk away to avoid being caught up or do I let go? Or should I let him leave her and be with me? How will he receive favor in God if he leaves her? She did committ adultery first … but two wrongs don’t make it right … although it does make it even?

Signed,
An Unintentional Mistress

This one really made me think. There definitely is the concept of the heart wants what the heart wants … and if the wife is cheating on him … I have no sympathy for a scantankerous scuttle-but like that … but … marriage is something to be upheld and if it can be fixed … that is a good thing (right …?).

Well … I think there are two options … two extremes in this situation … because I just foresee a middle ground working out. Essentially … you need to be with him or you need to leave him alone. Lets examine both in detail.

Fall Back …

At this point, with him trying to fix his marriage … not sure you can remain “friends”. Honestly, its going to be hard for him to work things out with a wife who is cheating on him when he has a good woman (assuming your a good woman … and you must be … cause you read my blog) talking in his ear every night. Its gonna be hard for him to stick it out when the temptation of something better is just so close. If you really want him to work out his marriage … your going to have to significantly diminish your roll as a confidant (read: talk to him like once a week).

Fight for what you want

Well … this woman he is married to doesn’t really sound like a good person or someone who deserves him.  I am all for the sanctity of marriage … but some women are just not deserving of a good man. In addition … we all have some basic rights to do what is personally best for us. If the chemistry is really as strong as you perceive it may be worth your while to put yourself out there and make a serious “move”.

Honestly, I just don’t see you successfully keeping this “friendship” going at this point. You have a strong desire to be with him (”everything I prayed for” is pretty serious talk) and if he is trying to salvage his marriage … your going to make things significantly difficult for him. Also, with him having such a significant role in your life and the tension … it will make your own personal search for love difficult also. Something needs to change …

I’m really going to need help on this one. But as always … the most important part of asking me for advice … is the 50 people who hate me and will tell me I’m wrong … lol.

This is a reader submission who was looking for a male point of view on something she was dealing with. There was a little description of the situation and some questions … I included my responses right after. If there is something you want me to write on, check the Need Advice page

Lets say you were working towards serious relationship with a woman, possibly dating exclusively for 2 months. Then during a casual conversation, she mentions that the person she lost her virginity to is currently her male best friend. As her boyfriend answer these questions.

“Would you be uncomfortable with the fact the he is still a close friend?”

It depends on what you mean by a “close friend”, when you slept with him, and the situation that ensued. If its obvious to me that you still harbor feelings for this person and he seems to have feelings for you, or there is any question about the “platonic-ness” of your friendship … then yes … I’m uncomfortable. Generally speaking, guys don’t have platonic female friends … its pointless. If he deflowered you just once and it was more of “I need it and trust you” … then maybe … but if you were in love … then I don’t want him around.

Would be upset that she waited 2 months into the relationship to tell you?

Well … I should be on my ball about this stuff. If you have a really good friend that is male and is around you all the time, I should inquire about your history with him. If you actively tried to hide him and your history with him … then I would be more than upset … I’m heated!

Would you be uncomfortable if you and the best friend were in the same room?

I don’t know if “uncomfortable” is the word, but I do feel funny being in the room with anyone who has f*cked my girlfriend (or even just the person I’m sleeping with now). Generally speaking, I don’t want to be around this person.

Generally, as a man I can’t help but be territorial. To know that this other person has “invaded” my territory just bothers me … deep in my core … unless he is gay now or something like that.

Are there any other reaction you may have that I didn’t write a question for?

I personally don’t trust ex’s. I know anytime I have participated in questionable activity (I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend … but …) its usually with an ex of some sort. Its easy to sleep with someone you have slept with.

In addition, you never really stop loving a person. Things change, but deep down, love just doesn’t die. If this guy was your first partner and your first love, then its going to be extremely hard for me to think of him as just “your friend”.

Besides as Biz Markie said “and you say he’s just a friend” … but we all know how that story ended …

Got a question and want to get my opinion along with those of plenty of commentors and the internet as a whole … Let Me Know …

As a guy, deciphering a woman’s real feelings towards you is a science. Yes, there are still some good honest women who just want to find a good man, don’t play games, and know how to treat a man. They are the ones you want to marry, mother your children, and spend all your time and energy on … and they deserve it.

Sadly, a large portion of the female population aren’t quite as perfect. Its easy that the girl your talking to or spending time & money on doesn’t really like you, but just wants attention, your money, or a Fake Ass Boyfriend. I touched on this before with Indicators of Interest, but this is the cheat sheet. Its important to weed them out (unless they are sleeping with you … cause aint nothing wrong with a “Friend With Benefits”) … so here are 5 little tips to help weed them out.

She Actually Calls You Without Asking for Something

Women hate calling men they don’t like. Its a waste of time for them, and the whole time they will be rolling their eyes as you talk and thinking “Why am I on the phone”. They will seem distant and uninterested.  And if every call is just to set up a date at a restaraunt or to ask for money or gifts … burn it up!
On the flip, if she really likes you (and is mature), she will want to talk to you and return your calls and even initiate a conversation. If her number never comes up on your phone … think about it.

She Pays for Something … Anything

If she is just looking to use you … she will not pay for anything. Also, paying for a man is like a cardinal sin for 90% of women. It doesn’t have to be significant or major, even if its the popcorn and drinks at the movies (which you bought the tickets too) … it is significant. If she offers to by you dinner, then rest easy my friend … she likes you.

She Invites You Over to Spend the Night

You might have sex with her this time, but thats OK. A woman (and most men) don’t want some stranger they don’t like in their house … so if your invited in that means something. If your invited over and then told to spend the night (in the same room), there is a chance that she likes you. Someone who doesn’t want you in their living space and always wants to meet at Ruth’s Chris (or some equally pricey restaurant or bar) … is probably playing you. Drop her …

She Does Something She Knows Only You Will Like

This is basic and gender neutral, but very significant when done by a woman for a man. A woman is not going to waste her time actual listening to your likes and interests if she does not like you … let alone actually act on them. If she takes to time to buy, arrange, plan, or just find that one thing that is particular to you … good chance she likes you. It also counts if its something that all guys like, but most women hate (that threesome you always wanted).

She Leans In to Kiss You

Very Significant! A woman kissing you is by itself is a sign, because while we think “would I sleep with her” … women think “would I kiss him”. But don’t be fooled, you can surprise her and she may kiss you back out of a feeling of commitment or obligation. If you lean in, but not all the way … and she comes towards you to kiss you … thats powerful. That means she wants to kiss you, and likes you enough to let actually come to you.

This one is for the guys. Take these … use them … and feel free to add, argue, or call bullsh*t on anything I have to say … but at the end of the day … if she shows all 5 … 95% she actually likes you and isn’t trying to play you.

I have talked about my theory of Fundamental Character Flaws and believe everyone should have a list of things that they simply cannot stand for in terms of a mate (dealbreakers). It makes sense that there are some things you deserve to receive from your mate, and its good to know what you want. But … what happens when you really don’t know what you know … or when you “know” too much. That’s when:

Knowing what you want goes wrong!

Lets examine two examples of then “knowing what you want … goes wrong”.

The 100 Page List Writer

This woman has envisioned the perfect man since the day she stopped thinking boys were “icky”. She knows what he looks like, where he went to school, what cologne he wears, his shoe size, what fraternity he is in, and what flavor of syrup he likes on his pancakes. She will know him when she meets him (because of an elaborate scoring system she designed in grad school to quickly identify him) and all she has to do is wait in the right place (because she already knows the types of places he goes and the type of women he likes).

The Know Nothing Know-it-all

This man knows exactly what turns him on and isn’t going to settle for less. His list isn’t as exact, but it has all the major things in terms of her likes and career goals and motivations. He knows what he wants.
Oddly enough, he knows very little about himself. He doesn’t know what he wants to do with his degree, he can’t tell you want movies he regular sees, and even when he goes to buy lotion … they just all look so good!
And more interesting, he is the same way with women. While his first girlfriend had everything he asked for, every girl he has dated afterward has been different and opened his eyes in some way.
But damned if you can tell him he doesn’t know what he wants!

(more…)