Single Black Male

A reader is having a spat over the style of her hair.  Here is what she told me …

I’ve been dating a guy for about 4 months.  When he met me I had long mid-back length hair but during that time I was also growing out my relaxer for a year.  I’d told him about this countless times but I’m not sure he understood, whatever.   He had been out of town for a week and during that week I decided to cut all of my relaxed hair ends.  After cutting everything off I felt so beautiful with all my curls.  I ended up straightening my hair for an event where he met up with me.  He said something about my short shoulder-length hair but I just brushed it off.  Fast-forward to the weekend, he see’s me with the natural look and his face looks so disgusted!  He was looking at it and was like “Where the hell is your hair???” I explained to him the whole transitioning/cut thing and he responded with ” So you’re bald headed now?” I say  “No, my hair is actually to the bottom of to my shoulders when straightened and you just saw that at the event, now you see my curls”.  Then he gets ignorant and says “At least you don’t have normal black people’s hair! I’m glad you aint nappy” I was thinking WTF!!!  No compliments or anything…just pure ignorance!  I felt like punching his ass and I did not want to be around him much longer at that point. I ignored him for about 2 days because I was so hurt.  He messaged me later with this ”I’m NOT into that, Sorry.”  I did not respond back.  Then he came to my house apologizing on my doorstep (I wouldn’t let him inside) about his comments and the message that he sent.  He’s definately an ass and I’m kinda glad that he showed his true colors but now I am SUPER discouraged.  I love my hair because of it’s versatility and have recieved so many compliments when it’s straight or curly.  I’m not saying that one should change their hair for a man but I just hope that my hair doesn’t turn guys off.  Do you think guys like the straight look more?   I’m not sure I can trust him now.  What do you think? Do you also think this is how many men feel?  I didn’t think hair was that serious for men.

First off, I must say that hair is very important to most (if not all) guys.  Its almost like breasts … the opinions vary a lot and include a wide range … but damnit if everyone doesn’t have a preference.  I have one friend who loves girls with mohawks, one who loves the natural look, one who preferes short hair in general, another who hates weaves, and others who like straight and long.  Personally, I like a couple different styles … but I generally detest weaves and I want something I can grab on while I’m … uh … moving on …

Now that I addressed that … I can’t completely knock the guy for feeling “SomeKindaWay” about the drastic change in hair … I can only fault him for being as ass about it (even an asshole such as myself knows better than to say “at least your not nappy”).  Is this guy white by chance?

While in the perfect world he would only love you for the contents of your soul and the virtue of your character, the reality is that hair is a big thing.  You losing some 12 to 24 inches of your hair considering the “dating” period has been relatively short (4 months), its kind of like someone gaining or losing 20 lbs.  The person may now be too skinny, or too fat, causing problems to ensue.

The main thing I want to say to you … don’t be discouraged.  I know personally, I love short and curly.  Unless this dude is like the greatests motherf*cker in existance, and your willing to change, and your willing to put up with the showing of his ass, and your willing to ignore his ignorance … then change and grow your hair out.  Since I’m willing to assume he isn’t worth it … in this case I will say to move on.

As long as your hair looks good … every guy might not like it … but there are plenty who will!

Am I wrong?

“You know I want to be with you.  You know I want to put that ring on your finger, give you the moon, the stars, the world … but I can’t.”
“Why can’t you?”
“My job … my career … my goals!  I don’t want to come to you half accomplished”
“But I don’t care about that stuff”
“BUT I DO!”

This conversation has played throughout history.  Its been played out on sitcoms.  Exemplified in movies.  There are articles on it.  Dads and Moms have been asked about this countless times by their offsprings.  Its an age old question with a simple answer.

Can I manage my career and life goals while being committed to another person?

Answer: Uhhhh … kinda … maybe

A little about me …

I am very career and goal oriented.  When people ask me what I want out of life, I literally respond with “I want to rule the world” and then follow up with “I have to be the black Bill Gates”.  I started drafting company ideas in high school, I read about the great tech leaders of our time for fun, and I’m addicted to learning and hope to pick up about 3 more degrees before I leave this world.

So … this topic hits close to home.  Questions I have asked myself:

“Can I manage a fortune 500 company and still give my wife the world?”
“Suppose I get a great opportunity in Tokyo, do I have to consider the fact my girlfriend won’t move?”
“If I have to work 80 hour weeks, will my ‘boo’ be mad?”
“Will I ever care enough about someone else to put my own goals on hold?”

Honestly, I still haven’t been able to answer any of them.  I just don’t know.  At times I feel like I’m just being selfish.  At times I’m like “f* that … gotta do me first”.  Sometimes I just can’t think about it because its late and I’m already 15 minutes behind my personal deadline. Will the success of a family be enough?  Is it better to attain all of my outlandish goals at the expense of Mrs. SBM?

Decision … Decisions.

I remember a friend in college … got an offer with Microsoft.  His girlfriend made it clear “I’m not moving to Seattle (Redmond to be exact)” … and he didn’t go.  At the time I thought “that’s the stupidest sh*t I’ve ever heard! Stop being soft and take that position!” … but he didn’t … and he’s doing extremely well still (with a new gf too).

I know I know the first thing I’m gonna hear “well … just pick the right person who will support you in everything you do” … please.  That would and possibly will be great … but can’t always count on that.  Other people have their own jobs, house, money, goals … and if their no in tune with mine … someone has to win.  So … lets not just assume there is some perfect Michelle Obama out there … let that inner pessimist out.

At the end of the day … something is gonna happen.  Guess there is no point in sweating over it now … right?

Any pearls of wisdom for this troubled 20-something? Any “n*gga stop crying” or “f* these b*tches” for me?

I am a firm believer that where you grow up plays a significant role in terms of your personality, expectations in life, dialect, accent, and even what you want from a man or women. Some might argue … but trust me … its undeniable

Going to a big state school brought in people from all over. Also being minutes away from Howard University and living in the Washington DC area, a mixing pot from all across the nation (and world really), I have dated, talked with, yelled obscenities across the street at (hey you … in the pink … with the ass), and courted women from all over the country. I am far from “full coverage” of the spectrum, but here are my findings so far.

So … here is SBM’s handy guide to dating from different regions.

*disclaimer*: This applies only to Black Women.

Washington, DC & Prince George’s County, MD

Figured I would start with home. People now call the area the DMV (for DC, Maryland, & Virginia), but things can change up big time when you cross the state or county line.

I personally have enacted a ban on all women who were raised in either of these areas. I can’t stand them at all! I have only dated one for a significant amount of time, but have grown up around them, and they have some of the worst attitudes I have ever encountered. They expect a lot, usually have a streak of hood rat in them, no matter how good the pedigree, and love to get mad over the stupidest sh*t ever. The B* word comes to mind as I write this. Also, if your not from here expect to spend a lot of time in my glossary trying to understand her.

Quick tempers, “unique” style in clothes, high demands, disproportionate love for thugs, and an undeserved sense of “I’m the sh*t” even when she isn’t, characterizes this one. Proceed with caution.

I will say … we have gorgeous women though. PG is nicknamed “Pretty Girl” county and damn it if we don’t live up to it. I mean even going to church turns into a mental test of concentration.

Baltimore

I don’t know what it is, but two things Baltimore is filled with … Big Girls and Rollers (women of a promiscuous nature). One of the few place I know that still has a red light district with hookers and strip clubs. Be careful of an STD though, they flirt with the #1 spot for AIDS every other year.

The stories my friends have of some Bmore girls are just nuts though, especially those who went to school up there. One guy got approached by a girl who said “I wanna f*ck you tonight” and then walked off. He didn’t think anything of it, until she found him at the let out and took him home. Damn.

New York City

Sometimes it shocks me how quickly this city can ruin good women. I don’t know if I’ve ever met a New Yorker I liked. Because of the general “don’t trust anyone” attitude of all new Yorkers, they can be crass, rude and obviously distrusting. Nowhere is like NY, according to them, and everywhere south of Philly is
the “South” (so stupid). Everywhere is slow compared to NY, and expect to work for anything with this women. Also, don’t expect favors, kind words, or not to work overly hard … for anything. I hear if your a fellow New Yorker … its all much easier.

New Jersery

They provide balance to the NY area. They are a lot nicer, strong lovers, and usually well balanced and good catches. Accents can get annoying (I swear if I hear “caw-feee” instead of “coffee” one more time in my life), but a small price to pay for a well rounded individual.

Atlanta

A varied bunch with the recent growth of the city and the extreme increase in them number of implants (people moving there from some other city … not titties). Generally, really big into getting married and settling down, but overall seem a little crazy. Country but progressive. Expect to truly deal with the “hybrid” (old school chivalry mixed with new aged independence).

Texas (based on Austin, TX)

They say Austin is a lot different then the rest of Texas, but I have visited Houston & Dallas too. Generally, Texas women are so nice … I mean makes me feel special nice. I mean, there just aren’t bad attitudes. I’m talking about a girl actually apologizing to me because her feet hurt and she doesn’t want to dance!

They seemed to be slightly under par in the looks department (sorry) … but made up for it with their personalities. Texas based women still hold a special place in my heart (plus how many other women can do “My dougie” and know about Chamillionaire back in the “Color Changing Clique” days and Slim Thug when he was a “Boss Hogg Outlaw”.

Florida

A lot of variance, so haven’t made any across the board observations except one … never have I met a set of women so comfortable with sharing exactly what is on their mind … no matter if its hurtful or mean … as long as its the truth. Its kind of refreshing … unless she f’s around and hurts your feeling by saying something.

Actually, these women also love hard! So far, they intrigue me. I’m gonna add a few more to the roster and see what happens.

Seattle, Washington

THERE ARE NO BLACK WOMEN IN SEATTLE!

I was there 3 months. Saw like 5 or 6 and they seem to not want to acknowledge the fact they gotta compete with millions of white women with a sweet tooth for chocolate. I did not enjoy Seattle!

Midwest

No across the board observations … but I’ve never had anything with any of them work out at all. I’ve had guy friends from Chi-town, and them n*ggas are wild. I mean every single one acts straight like Bernie Mac. Loud, arrogant, cocky, and quick to blow up. Never dated anyone from the chi, but I can only imagine what living in a city of Bernie Macs does to a woman.

So what cities did I miss? Any females available to co-sign with my regional descriptions (or argues as I know someone will)? The west has generally been unknown to me, so anyone can fill it in for me?

“I haven’t talked to you in 4 days … whats wrong”
“Haven’t talked to me … I sent you 1500 text messages. I know what you’ve been up to every hour”
“I said talk”
“What the f*ck …”

I received a few emails asking me what I think about the use of text messaging for dating in the 2000s. I’ve had a few conversations with females (and a couple guys) alerting me to the hatred of SMS (the official name for text messages if u aint know). Apparently this invention has changed the game for years to come.

Personally … I am all for them (big surprise … right).

I yearn for human contact. I love to talk (I think I like to hear my own voice … spoken or written). My female friends will tell you about the hours I spent on the phone talking about whatever … back in college. They will also tell you how it all dried up as soon as I started working.

I will admit … text messaging isn’t a complete replacement for the phone. If your thinking about a relationship with a person and you hear their voice no more than once a week … thats a problem. If someone really really really likes you … they will call to talk to you, hear your voice, or just show that they like you (women gotta call too … this goes both ways). This … I will concede.

But I enjoy the newfound freedom to catch up with that special person while waiting in line at Subway. I like being able to hear about the randomness of your day as it actually occurs. And I appreciate the fact that although full blown conversation is out of the question (the presenter running the meeting might object to you telling you girl how vicious that head game was last night) … you still wanted to share something with me. And if that means I don’t have to spend a full 4 hours on the phone catching up with you every night … then even better.

Honestly, if there is anything text messaging, emails, IMs, and the other forms of constant text based communication … its overload. Needy people become even needier. Like VSB said too much is too much.

But I can’t finish this without saying … time is precious nowadays. If I can text you in my downtime, or while busy taking over the world … isn’t that worlds better than no call at all!

Embrace the text people … just not too much for you needy, I aint got my own life, I need to talk to you every 15 minutes, “what u mean your phone was off” type of people!

“What happened to you yesterday … you were supposed to give me a ride to the shop. I had to take 5 buses and was 3 hours late”
“Yeah man … this girl I was trying to get at hit me up to go out”
“WTF man … H.O.H. Man!”
“H.O.H.???”
“Homies over hoes … ya punk bitch!”

Bro’s before Hoes is the classic adage we are all used to … but being a huge fan of The Boondocks (the comic was so much better than the cartoon … more of a message) I drew my inspiration from a recent episode. While the episode was actually poking fun at a homosexual rapper, they helped to bring to light an important creed that all men need to live by.

I grow tired, annoyed, and downright enraged at these guys who put their girlfriend, current love interest, or random jumpoff from the club before and above well established friends and/or family. Pussy and many women are temporary, but the guy who picked you up off the ground after getting your ass whooped in the 5th grade has earned a permanent fixture in your life, so don’t forget it. Out of all the ways a guy can put women before his friends … there is one case that disgusts me to the core of my soul: the girlfriend who replaces all of your friends.

When a man finds a good women its a good thing. He has found someone who is worth adoring, spending time with, and loving … but why does this person have to replace your well established friends. Why can’t she be integrated with the rest of your friends? Why can’t we all go out every once in awhile? Why can’t she see her friends while you come hang out? Why …

I have one friend who is a shining example of doing it right. I love his girlfriend (sure … I knew her beforehand … but eh). She comes out with us, but doens’t restrict him from coming out, and while I don’t see him as much as before, I still keep in touch and can go chill with my friend. Also, he still plays wingmen and will take the ugly one (although too often he fights taking the busted one) when we go out because he knows he’s got someone at home. To you my friend … I salute you.

But to all of you other simping, punk bitching, whack ass, go against your friends, sumbitches … STOP IT!



And to close things out … here is the video that inspired the post!