Single Black Male

Some people yearn to be married or love the commitment of a true relationship. They revel in having one person to share everything with, the responsibility of caring for another individual, and the inner joy of this “love” thing I hear about.

You also have a group that subscribes to the “player for life” mentality. Manogamy is a curse word to these people and offensive to the ears. They are having “fun” and looking for nothing more than good times and casual sex. The number of “conquests” is a bragging right, and they will quickly tell you about the one person who was good enough to actually get a repeat.

But what about the person in between these two. What about the SBM (or SBW) that doesn’t want the headache of a boyfriend or girlfriend, still wants someone to go out with and “sleep” with, and just has no desire of sleeping around like crazy (those AIDS commercials are scary). Well, the answer is … A Friend With Benefits.

This isn’t about the greatness of the FwB, this is to dispel some common misconceptions about this great “relationship derivative” (more…)

I hate to admit it, but I have been watching “Flavor of Love” since the first season. During the first season, I fought it or a long time, but I got caught by a marathon and got hooked. The show really is bad for black people and portrays us in a very negative light, but its worst than crack.

When I first started watching this show, I was jealous … very jealous … almost hater jealous. You had a guy who was ugly, had a bunch of kids, no class, and no sense … and you had like 15 gorgeous and beautiful women (mixed in with a couple of bucket heads) who are fighting over him … and ready to be a hoe in front of the camera to win him. And to aid him in his decision, he gets a house, a butler, and access to some spectacular dates and experiences, in order to find “true love” with one of these women. Yet … he has failed so many times. It makes you wonder … will it ever work? And then it makes you think … would it work for any other guy (or girl)?

For most people … given a situation like Flavor Flav’s … they will fail!

And I mean anyone who has more than one person knowingly fighting for them. This could be the guy who just has 3 women fighting for their attention, the model at the club getting looks from all over, or the guy who has a girlfriend and a mistress fighting for number one. You might end with a number, a date, even some p*ssy … but not “true love”. Here are some reasons:

Human nature is to win

There is a good chance that the person will quickly forget why they are fighting for your attention. They may have started out because of a genuine attraction to you … but at some point they just want to win. They may realize that your no longer the person they want to be with … but they just gotta beat that other b*tch..

The “Prize” will always be seen as a trophy

(more…)

I don’t know why … but its so hard for a girl to keep my interest.

Guess I just jumped into that one kind of quick. No antidote, no interesting story, no joke … right to the point. So lets work backwards on this post … see how that works out.

I have talked to a few other guys, some seem to share this same thing. I don’t dare ask a black women for her opinion, afraid of getting the “All you black men are like that. Can”t commit! Can’t settle down! Just wanna f*ck everything!” speech. While I do think it plagues guys more than women … its a serious problem … for me at least.

Its crazy the amount of times I have just lost interest. It comes like a thief in the night too. Sadly, there is often no warning, no precedent, and no logic. At some point we’re talking, things are good, then suddenly the calls dry up. I’m not proud of it, but I just can’t muster the strength to call the person back.

My good female friend has given me two theories.

The First: Its me. I get bored easily. I need strong conversation, great personality, and a resume that impresses me. In addition, I’m lazy about things, so therefore it takes a lot for me to not be lazy and hold interest.

The Second: I meet and entertain a lot of bucket heads. I have no business really talking to these girls in the first place and I need to do a better job at picking high quality females.

There is some truth in both of these, but my friend is a little to “harsh” … so we’ll just reject both of them.

After a bit of soul searching and analysis … I think I have made a few discoveries.

• I’m lazy in pursuing maintaining contact with females.
• I do entertain the company of several girls I know are worth talking to.
• I hate calling.
• I really hate calling.
• Women just aren’t the priority in my life they used to be. Got bigger “fish to fry”.
• I’m addicted to good, intelligent conversation … and thats not always easy to come by.
• I’m slightly judgmental … so I’m compiling my list of Fundamental Character Flaw’s … although conversation is “good”

I have also noticed a few things that have been helpful in crushing this ADD.

• Females who aren’t afraid to call: This helps me get over my not calling issue. I rarely ignore a phone call and once I have experienced the addicting conversation I crave … calling is no longer an issue
• Females who aren’t pressuring me for anything: I don’t like to be asked about when I’m taking you to dinner next, when you can bogart the calendar, or when I plan to get married. Focus on getting to know me and the reverse. Everything else happens in time.
• Females showing genuine interest: I’m not trying to get played, simped, or used for food or movies. Also, if I think someone is not feeling me, what reason do I have to call and pursue you?

So … hopefully … this doens’t plague me for the rest of my life. Hopefully I’ll meet the person that keeps my interest forever. Also, I’m pretty sure I have Adult ADD by the way (you wouldn’t believe how many times I got distracted just writing this post) … maybe thats the reason … eh.

I know there is someone else who chronically loses interest too. I know someone has some tips, hints, or methods.

I remember back in college actually having to convince some of my female friends the club wasn’t a good place to meet their boyfriend. To me … I was shocked that I had to actually argue this point. I thought it was clear to everyone that the club was for finding one night stands, jumpoffs, and bucket heads … not Ms. (or Mr.) Right.

Why is the club tailored to those looking for temporary love? What is it about the club that is poisionous to the creation of true love? Why is any relationship formed in the club almost always doomed to fail? Simple … the Club Mentality.

I can’t speak for everyone, every club, everywhere, but generally speaking, the club is the definition of … “the frenzy”. There is a lot of liquor involved, its an enviroment solely focused on social interactions between men and women. The music is too loud for conversation. Lights are dim and liquor flows freely. Its one of the few places you can walk behind a female, start grind on her ass … and not break any laws or be arrested. Rules, laws, and social norms that are upheld on “the outside” … simply don’t apply here. Its a different world.

A lot of guys go to the club to take a girl home with them. They are often the most aggressive too. In addition, as a guy, you know more girls are going to be open to conversation as opposed to the “real world” … so you don’t have to worry about “bothering” someone. While physically abusing a girl is still just as wrong, all those overly aggressive moves you had to retire are now allowed and often practiced. Also, for some reason, a fight is now a possibility. While at work your calm, on the road you let people pass you, but in the club … let someone scuff your sneakers or spill your drink … bout to be a misunderstanding!

For the ladies, you know that someone is going to disrespect you. Your ass will be grabbed, someone is going to pull your arm and not want to let go, and somebody is going to be overly aggressive about getting your number. A guy is going to come up to you and start “dancing” … which is closer to sex than anything else, but for some reason … tonight its OK. And while your open to conversation for any “cute” guy who is “acting right” … you also prepared a set of statement for those … “showing their ass”.

In both cases … your not thinking or acting logically. Your not the same person that you are at work, or in the grocery store, or while walking down the street. I know the thought of sleeping with someone I have known for less than 24 hours suddenly seems more appealing to me … personally. And once that liquid courage (alcohol) gets in the system … Mild mannered SBM suddenly becomes … well this post isn’t about me …

Not only is the person you meet at the club not a valid representation of this person, but its hard to take anyone as serious in the club. I’m thinking about different things, the “standards” your getting judged by are significantly different, and honestly … even if I meet Ms. Right … I still might do something stupid and probably will try to cheapen something that could have been nice. Its sad, but its so true.

I will say, there are certain lounges, Happy Hours, and upscale lounges that can provide a relatively healthy meeting place for single individuals … but that isn’t the norm.

Feel me?

I’ve always had a few females friends. I used to think they were good resources for back when I was socially awkward and lacked the ability to talk to women (sadly … this wasn’t that long ago). I figured “girls know what other girls like. They will lead me out of this awkward phase”. Man … I was kidding my self.

Some women nowadays are willing to admit that they don’t know what they want. Others, however, hold onto the belief that they know exactly what they want from men, life, and their career … but its interesting how so many of their choices seem to follow some different logic that they just … can’t explain. When it comes to men, this often becomes glaringly true.

- How often does a female tell you they want a guy who will provide and take care of her … yet every guy who does is labeled as soft and its the jobless “loser” thats beating it up on the nightly?
- How often does a girl tell you she needs a committed boyfriend who will rub her feet at night .. yet the guy she is currently “seeing” is never seen with her during the day, has never met her friends or family, and has managed to keep his place of residence a secret for 6 months?
- How many girls out there claim they want to be held at night and whispered sweet words to … yet her current “partner” pulls her hair, goes at her with the furuosity of a wild animal, and then promptly falls alseep (or leaves) after he “gets his”?

If there is one thing I have truly learned in my relatively short time on this earth is one thing … guys who get girls know girls … period.

They know what they really want, what they really want to hear, and what kind of personality they are actually attracted to … thats why they get as many girls as they do. No one understands the female psyche better than the “player”. He is skilled at translating the words a girl tells him … able to peel back the layers of BS and decipher the true meaning in her words.

There is one thing that easily proves this. Almost any girl will attest to one simple fact … any guy who gives her everything she “wants” is not attractive. This guy is soft, a punk, to eager to please, or a million other things. The one thing he is not … is her man! (sidenote: I did watch “I Love New York 2″ and she did pick the true ‘bitch’ of the bunch … but that chick is nuts … and she really was in love with the one guy who wouldn’t give her an inch).

I will say this … something like that could be argued for men … but I feel like its not that hard to figure out what we want. I mean … there is like 2 things I can think of at the most (prize to the person who guesses right)! What we want is obvious … how to keep us from getting bored or tired … well … that is the million dollar question.

So I know some female is going to tell me how she is the exception, about how she is different … and please … do tell. But I know there is plenty of guys who agrees with me!