Single Black Male

“You know I want to be with you.  You know I want to put that ring on your finger, give you the moon, the stars, the world … but I can’t.”
“Why can’t you?”
“My job … my career … my goals!  I don’t want to come to you half accomplished”
“But I don’t care about that stuff”
“BUT I DO!”

This conversation has played throughout history.  Its been played out on sitcoms.  Exemplified in movies.  There are articles on it.  Dads and Moms have been asked about this countless times by their offsprings.  Its an age old question with a simple answer.

Can I manage my career and life goals while being committed to another person?

Answer: Uhhhh … kinda … maybe

A little about me …

I am very career and goal oriented.  When people ask me what I want out of life, I literally respond with “I want to rule the world” and then follow up with “I have to be the black Bill Gates”.  I started drafting company ideas in high school, I read about the great tech leaders of our time for fun, and I’m addicted to learning and hope to pick up about 3 more degrees before I leave this world.

So … this topic hits close to home.  Questions I have asked myself:

“Can I manage a fortune 500 company and still give my wife the world?”
“Suppose I get a great opportunity in Tokyo, do I have to consider the fact my girlfriend won’t move?”
“If I have to work 80 hour weeks, will my ‘boo’ be mad?”
“Will I ever care enough about someone else to put my own goals on hold?”

Honestly, I still haven’t been able to answer any of them.  I just don’t know.  At times I feel like I’m just being selfish.  At times I’m like “f* that … gotta do me first”.  Sometimes I just can’t think about it because its late and I’m already 15 minutes behind my personal deadline. Will the success of a family be enough?  Is it better to attain all of my outlandish goals at the expense of Mrs. SBM?

Decision … Decisions.

I remember a friend in college … got an offer with Microsoft.  His girlfriend made it clear “I’m not moving to Seattle (Redmond to be exact)” … and he didn’t go.  At the time I thought “that’s the stupidest sh*t I’ve ever heard! Stop being soft and take that position!” … but he didn’t … and he’s doing extremely well still (with a new gf too).

I know I know the first thing I’m gonna hear “well … just pick the right person who will support you in everything you do” … please.  That would and possibly will be great … but can’t always count on that.  Other people have their own jobs, house, money, goals … and if their no in tune with mine … someone has to win.  So … lets not just assume there is some perfect Michelle Obama out there … let that inner pessimist out.

At the end of the day … something is gonna happen.  Guess there is no point in sweating over it now … right?

Any pearls of wisdom for this troubled 20-something? Any “n*gga stop crying” or “f* these b*tches” for me?

So with the last post, several people argued that there is never a real reason for you to take off your wedding ring.

What! Never take off your wedding ring? Thats craziness.

So as a young unmarried bachelor, I have looked into my future and come up with SBM’s list of:

When you can take of your wedding ring!

1. Its itching

This is self explanatory. Leave something on too long and the skin under it gets a little irritated. Let your finger breathe. Besides, if Meaghan Goode suddenly walks past me … I assume it would get really itchy and start to burn too.

2. Show someone the inscription.

Assuming you got an inscription from your love one on the inside, don’t you want your best friend to see it.

3. You walking through the hood and might be robbed.

Not just any hood … I mean its got to be the hood. Like where Thugnificent of “The Boondocks” is grew up. Like anything might pop off, the police moved out, and babies selling crack. She’ll be mad if you don’t come home with it.

4. Your about to get your finger sucked by a stripper.

Because its a stripper … its OK to get your finger sucked (she a professional. Is your husband gonna get jealous of your gynocologist?). But … not all strippers are to be trusted … so you might want to take of that platinum band before she wets your finger.

5. Your smacking an ass that isn’t your wife.

Here at SBM, we respect the sanctity of marriage. Therefore, if your gonna smack a random ass, perhaps the girl who rode up next to you on a bike while at Black Bike Week, you should respect the ring and not befoul it with the ass juice of another.

6. Your caressing a stripper’s breast.

Again, its a stripper so its not wrong, and same principal as #5 … don’t befoul the ring.

7. To prove you “still got it” to hating friends.

If any of you watched Martin, there was an episode where Tommy and Cole told Martin that the only thing attracting women to him was his wedding ring and that he couldn’t “pull em” like he used to. As a man, we have an obligation to prove our friends wrong no matter hoe dumb and pointless the challenge may be (had a friend who jumped through a campfire cause … well … another story). So he therefor took of his ring (and lost it) to prove to them he could still get women … which he did!

So there it is. If you are caught in photographs without a wedding ring, just refer to this handy list to quickly and easily justify the removal of said ring.

Any other reason’s you can think of? I know there has to be one I’m missing.

**Disclaimer**: This is a joke.  Leave your wedding ring on peoples.  Smacking Ass … lol.

Another reader submitted email:

An acquaintance of mine has a dillema, and I wanted to know what you & the readers thought of this:

Her husband, went to Black Bike Week in South Carolina. Fast forward a few weeks later, and she gets a forwarded email with a link to a picture website. This website happens to have pictures of her husband at a party, and pics of him hanging out with random girls. He doesn’t have on his wedding ring in any of the pics, in some of the pictures he’s watching some really raunchy booty dancing (not participating though), and in another pic he’s hugged up with a pregnant girl and holding her belly. How do you respond to this? If this was your situation would you get upset? She has two kids and is determined to keep her family together, so he frequently gets a pass for doing stupid things. Her thought process is, that since the pictures don’t show him kissing or doing anything really raunchy with any girls, that she should just internalize it and drop it.

I don’t know what to tell her…I tend to run from this type of drama.

As a two time black bike week veteran, this one seems pretty cut & dry.

I wouldn’t take it to serious and your “friend” (funny how its always a friend) should bring it up to her husband, but I don’t think she should be too mad or upset about it. The only picture with him and another woman include a pregnant woman. The picture probably was subtitled with “Look at this mess … a pregnant girl at bike week” not “Damn … I want me some of that” (BTW … if you have the picture … I would love to see it). Also, with the “booty dancing”, he wasn’t participating. Similar to a stip club I would say, but he wasn’t paying and wasn’t touching. And lets be real … was he supposed to look away?

So in conclusion, I would tell her to ask about them in a joking manner and judge his response, but I have been down there with friends who have girlfriends. They both knew what was “too much” and acted accordingly. They were drunk and with their male friends in the crazy atmosphere of black bike week, but none came back with a story that they couldn’t tell their girlfriends (well … one kinda … but he literally ran once “too much” started happening).

Can I get a co-sign?

You don’t plan to crash your car … but you get insurance … right?!

You don’t plan to fall on your motorcycle … but you wear a helmet (at least I do) … right?

So why not get a prenup?

*Disclaimer*: Just for all you overly sensitive individuals reading (you know who you are) … that was a joke. A prenup is not just “marriage insurance”.

There has been a relatively recent groundswell movement in the push for prenuptial agreements. Kanye West made the phrase “We want prenup!” extremely popular with his radio hit “Golddigger”. While I have no stats to show if they have gained popularity over time (the resident “stat man” can do that for me), I think its a pretty safe assumption that they have.

I am taking this time to officially declare that I want … nay … DEMAND a prenuptial agreement from my future spose.

Oddly enough, this seems to have not gained a lot of ground with women. I am constantly faced with statements like:
“A prenup means your already thinking about divorce”
“I’m not marrying any man who would ask me to sign a prenup … its disrespectful”
“Any man who wants a prenup is secretly on the down low” (dumb broad)
And more stupid statements that would make anyone with half a brain give that “WTF” look.

So I’ve decided to outline just a few of the reasons why prenups are good, why women (or some of you soft men) shouldn’t fear them, and whatever tickles my fancy.

It’s not all about Money!

One common misconception is the soul purpose of a prenup is to divvy up assets in the case of a divorce and protect someone’s money. This isn’t the case. Prenups can and have included provisions such as how often sex occurs, is she going to swallow, will he ever cook, and does the cooch get eaten. Its a basic contract between two people. You can put in whatever craziness that you want.

It’s sad but true … but divorce happens

The divorce rate has been over 50% for awhile now. It was in college or high school when I first heard that “chilling” statistic. I doubt many of those people got married with plans to divorce the “love of their life”, but in the end, they got divorced. Suppose I get a promotion, work 60 hour weeks, and my wife decides to blow the gardner, the mailman, and that special kid in the neighborhood that just turned 18. I have to give her half of my stock options now! Shoot me!

It could help save your marriage

Since divorce has gotten so popular, I feel like people may be a little quicker to run to it as a crutch nowadays instead of putting in the work to actually fix the marriage. I don’t want the fact that you (or me) might be able to walk away with an easy million and receive checks every month for another $5000 for the rest of my/your life as incentive to leave. Now that money is out of the equation … you’ll actually show up for those marriage counseling meetings.

Punish those who need to be punished

I’m not … nor do I ever think I will be a fan of cheating. I’ve never been cheated on (that I know of) and I have never cheated on a significant other. I will definitely have a clause indicating you don’t get sh*t if you cheat. Get that new n*gga to pay for your car note.

I lose because you lied?

So … if the “love of your life” has lied to you about something big (she was born a man, he has 8 kids he forgot to mention, she/he is infertile … and lied about it) … then you could potentially still have to forfeit 50% of your holdings even though you were done wrong. That’s just not right.

Lets just keep it fair

Generally speaking, God forbid … but if divorce looks to be the best way to go … then it seems fair that you leave with what you came in with. There is no “break up court”. People have relationships that have lasted longer and meant more than most marriages, but their is no judge to give them a settlement. I’m all about fairness in life … same with my marriage.

I hope I was able to imbue you all with a little bit of knowledge and have turned you into a fellow support of the “I Want Prenup!” movement. Viva la prenup!

Here is a scenario given to me by a reader. This one was a head scratcher.

Ok here’s the deal. I have a friend, who’s just a friend, who’s married and his wife is cheating on him and I’ve been talking to him about his problems telling him he shouldn’t give up on his marriage, etc., etc., telling him he should go to counseling go to his pastor etc etc…

Lately we’ve been on the phone all day everyday and it’s clear that we’re falling for each other … but he’s married.

My question is like is this for real or is this a transference of energy. He’s everything i prayed for … or so he appears to be. We haven’t done anything, like even kiss or hug, the connection is purely emotional … nothing physical.

My other question is what should i do? I would never tell a man to leave his wife because that’s wrong and I would never intentionally start dealing with another woman’s husband because it’s bad karma, but at the same time I can’t help how I feel and he can’t help how he feels … if you know what i mean. They’ve been married for 2 years and were together 10 months before they got married. Time doesn’t matter, because if it’s Gods hand at work it could be 2 days as opposed to 10 months, but I’m so confused at this point.

Do i walk away to avoid being caught up or do I let go? Or should I let him leave her and be with me? How will he receive favor in God if he leaves her? She did committ adultery first … but two wrongs don’t make it right … although it does make it even?

Signed,
An Unintentional Mistress

This one really made me think. There definitely is the concept of the heart wants what the heart wants … and if the wife is cheating on him … I have no sympathy for a scantankerous scuttle-but like that … but … marriage is something to be upheld and if it can be fixed … that is a good thing (right …?).

Well … I think there are two options … two extremes in this situation … because I just foresee a middle ground working out. Essentially … you need to be with him or you need to leave him alone. Lets examine both in detail.

Fall Back …

At this point, with him trying to fix his marriage … not sure you can remain “friends”. Honestly, its going to be hard for him to work things out with a wife who is cheating on him when he has a good woman (assuming your a good woman … and you must be … cause you read my blog) talking in his ear every night. Its gonna be hard for him to stick it out when the temptation of something better is just so close. If you really want him to work out his marriage … your going to have to significantly diminish your roll as a confidant (read: talk to him like once a week).

Fight for what you want

Well … this woman he is married to doesn’t really sound like a good person or someone who deserves him.  I am all for the sanctity of marriage … but some women are just not deserving of a good man. In addition … we all have some basic rights to do what is personally best for us. If the chemistry is really as strong as you perceive it may be worth your while to put yourself out there and make a serious “move”.

Honestly, I just don’t see you successfully keeping this “friendship” going at this point. You have a strong desire to be with him (”everything I prayed for” is pretty serious talk) and if he is trying to salvage his marriage … your going to make things significantly difficult for him. Also, with him having such a significant role in your life and the tension … it will make your own personal search for love difficult also. Something needs to change …

I’m really going to need help on this one. But as always … the most important part of asking me for advice … is the 50 people who hate me and will tell me I’m wrong … lol.