Single Black Male

Here is a scenario given to me by a reader. This one was a head scratcher.

Ok here’s the deal. I have a friend, who’s just a friend, who’s married and his wife is cheating on him and I’ve been talking to him about his problems telling him he shouldn’t give up on his marriage, etc., etc., telling him he should go to counseling go to his pastor etc etc…

Lately we’ve been on the phone all day everyday and it’s clear that we’re falling for each other … but he’s married.

My question is like is this for real or is this a transference of energy. He’s everything i prayed for … or so he appears to be. We haven’t done anything, like even kiss or hug, the connection is purely emotional … nothing physical.

My other question is what should i do? I would never tell a man to leave his wife because that’s wrong and I would never intentionally start dealing with another woman’s husband because it’s bad karma, but at the same time I can’t help how I feel and he can’t help how he feels … if you know what i mean. They’ve been married for 2 years and were together 10 months before they got married. Time doesn’t matter, because if it’s Gods hand at work it could be 2 days as opposed to 10 months, but I’m so confused at this point.

Do i walk away to avoid being caught up or do I let go? Or should I let him leave her and be with me? How will he receive favor in God if he leaves her? She did committ adultery first … but two wrongs don’t make it right … although it does make it even?

Signed,
An Unintentional Mistress

This one really made me think. There definitely is the concept of the heart wants what the heart wants … and if the wife is cheating on him … I have no sympathy for a scantankerous scuttle-but like that … but … marriage is something to be upheld and if it can be fixed … that is a good thing (right …?).

Well … I think there are two options … two extremes in this situation … because I just foresee a middle ground working out. Essentially … you need to be with him or you need to leave him alone. Lets examine both in detail.

Fall Back …

At this point, with him trying to fix his marriage … not sure you can remain “friends”. Honestly, its going to be hard for him to work things out with a wife who is cheating on him when he has a good woman (assuming your a good woman … and you must be … cause you read my blog) talking in his ear every night. Its gonna be hard for him to stick it out when the temptation of something better is just so close. If you really want him to work out his marriage … your going to have to significantly diminish your roll as a confidant (read: talk to him like once a week).

Fight for what you want

Well … this woman he is married to doesn’t really sound like a good person or someone who deserves him.  I am all for the sanctity of marriage … but some women are just not deserving of a good man. In addition … we all have some basic rights to do what is personally best for us. If the chemistry is really as strong as you perceive it may be worth your while to put yourself out there and make a serious “move”.

Honestly, I just don’t see you successfully keeping this “friendship” going at this point. You have a strong desire to be with him (”everything I prayed for” is pretty serious talk) and if he is trying to salvage his marriage … your going to make things significantly difficult for him. Also, with him having such a significant role in your life and the tension … it will make your own personal search for love difficult also. Something needs to change …

I’m really going to need help on this one. But as always … the most important part of asking me for advice … is the 50 people who hate me and will tell me I’m wrong … lol.

My good friend and fellow blogger Mikki wrote a post recently entitled “Educated Black People SUCK!!”. Regardless to say … I was practically offended just by reading the title … since I consider myself an Educated Black Person and read Stuff Educated Black People Like on the regular. So I was wondering … why do I suck.

Apparently Mikki had been told by some EBP that he preferred other EBPs (defined by having a college degree of some sort) when it came to relationships … and this apparently upset her … higlhy.

I’m not sure how this person came across, but I can’t help but play devil’s advocate.

I can’t say a bachelor’s degree is a hard set requirement for anyone I marry or date seriously, but I will say its pretty durn close. Doesn’t have to be a bachelor’s, doesn’t have to be from any particular school, just has to be something from somewhere … or you should be in school working on one. If you don’t have one, there is going to have to be something about your personality or motivation to overcompensate … or just a good reason or story explaining why it just wasn’t/isn’t a priority.

*disclaimer*: I don’t really agree with the definition of EBP meaning a person with a degree … but Mikki set that definition. Personally … you can be educated and without degree … In my opinion.

I know I might catch hell for this … but if I was afraid of that … I wouldn’t have a blog!

So … in response to Mikki … here are the:

Top 3 Reasons For an EBP to date an EBP

3. Earning Potential

One major concern of most (especially women) is the earning potential of their potential mate. It is no secret I am not accepting of the stay at home housewife, so the earning potential of the future mother of my children is somewhat important. There are plenty of studies and statistics showing the average person with a degree will earn more money than someone without one. There are plenty of people who have become extremely successful without a degree … but I feel like they are the exception … not the norm.

2. Similar Experiences

For me … college was an extreme growing experience. I matured more, learned more, experienced more new things, and found out more about myself in those few years than any other period of my life. It comes up a lot for me in conversations (especially since I’m in a Fraternity too … the best one ever at that … 06) … so I could see it coming up with the person I see every day but never experienced it. I don’t want to feel like I have to duck around the topic and not bring it up … but I can see it happening … especially if you hate all degreed black people … like some.

1. Equality in the Relationship

With something like this … it was hard picking a #1 because I haven’t had to think about it in depth before, but I think this could be the biggest reason. For anyone without a degree, I would need to know why you thought going to school just wasn’t important enough. Was it because your mom died and you had to work to take care of your brother? Was it because you already had a small business that was in the black and decided to educate in some other method? Was it because you have a problem with core of the American Education System and your removal from it is a boycott of something you just couldn’t support? Or are you just being lazy and “don’t feel like it”?

If I decide to be with you I am obviously happy with you flaws and all … but I don’t think I could avoid never thinking about why you didn’t go to school and why I could do it and you can’t and won’t … assuming there weren’t extenuating circumstances. I know this same inequality could exist if I have a Harvard PhD and she has a associates from the county community college … but I guess I’m just not that bourgeoise.

Conclusion … Couldn’t help but write a response. As I repeat … It is not a hard set requirement for me that you have a college degree to be my wife … but best believe if you don’t … I want to know everything behind why.

It’s 1965 and you’re a 26-year-old white guy. You have a factory job, or maybe you work for an insurance broker. Either way, you’re married, probably have been for a few years now; you met your wife in high school, where she was in your sister’s class. You’ve already got one kid, with another on the way. For now, you’re renting an apartment in your parents’ two-family house, but you’re saving up for a three-bedroom ranch house in the next town. Yup, you’re an adult!

Now meet the twenty-first-century you, also 26. You’ve finished college and work in a cubicle in a large Chicago financial-services firm. You live in an apartment with a few single guy friends. In your spare time, you play basketball with your buddies, download the latest indie songs from iTunes, have some fun with the Xbox 360, take a leisurely shower, massage some product into your hair and face—and then it’s off to bars and parties, where you meet, and often bed, girls of widely varied hues and sizes. They come from everywhere: California, Tokyo, Alaska, Australia. Wife? Kids? House? Are you kidding?

Taken straight from an article entitled Child-Man in the Promised Land, this article goes on to explain the “problem” that is the new creation they call the “Single Young Male”, or SYM for short. It goes on to describe the new “man-child” creation that has shirked the responsibilities he father and father’s father held at his age and how he is enjoying a newfound freedom in rebellion of well established “social norms”.

While I can’t agree with the overly bleak outlook “apparently all SYMs are bums and may never learn to be men” … I do agree with this powerful and important shift in social norms.

Another quote I found interesting:

“All woman [want] is security,” she quotes an early Playboy article complaining. “And she is perfectly willing to crush man’s adventurous freedom-loving spirit to get it.”

Truer words have never been spoken! Well … just like how there was a well earned and well deserved women’s rights movement earning women many long denied and well deserved rights and justices, this new age has allowed us new rights and privileges that were deemed as unacceptable a few years ago.

There are certain components which are unhealthy, but overall an article like this helps to explain the male infatuation with Friends With Benefits and the hatred many women seem to have with the concept.

I am happy to proudly say I am a Single Young Male. I am in my mid twenties, make very good money, own and play my Xbox regularly, love to go out, love to drink, own property, have a motorcycle, and am enjoying my independence and freedom while rarely thinking of things like marriage and children. I do aspire to achieve these things in my lifetime, but I don’t see a need to have either one by 26. I guess I’m “living the life”. I think men of the past saw the need of a female to help him achieve things, but with the extreme demands of the new “corporate world”, I think many of us see a wife and kids as a burden or something holding back our personal success.

From my experiences, a lot of comments, and testimonies by friends … the mid 20’s seems to be an extremely interesting and turmoiled time for men and women. On one hand you have women still ready to settle down and have a permanent fixture of the opposite sex in their life, while we … the male … want to f*ck, drink, and play Xbox. The 30’s male seems to be more similar to the mid 20’s female … but maybe thats just me. Maybe in another 100 years it will all work out.

I tried to write this in a general way, so that everyone could learn and grow from my words. I failed … I concluded I know me … so this is really “10 Questions I Must Ast Before I Propose”. Maybe you’ll still learn something though. I tried to put them in order of importance, but really, they are all equally important.

10. What’s your favorite book?
I love intelligent women. If you answer this question with a magazine … I made a mistake. If you don’t have an answer … I made a mistake. I’m not super picky, so it doesn’t have to be Shakespeare, or the works of Plato, but it better damn well be over 100 pages and not have pictures. It could be an inspirational book, or taught her a skill, but its gotta be something none “bucket headish”.

9. Did you vote for Bush (Georgre W.)?
I’m not a super politcal person. I wasn’t geeked about Kerry the second time around, but damnit I gotta make a stance somewhere. If you supported the worst president that has come around in my short time on this earth … then you GOTTA go.

8. Do you plan to gain 30 pounds or more once married?
I’m not the most physically fit, I’m not winning Mr. Universe … well ever. But I do watch what I eat, and I do go to the gym (not reguarly) and I don’t want to gain 30 pounds. I also don’t like surprises. Statements like “I can’t wait until I get married … I’m so tired of working out! I haven’t eaten a bon bon in years!” … means that we need to have a little talk.

7. How many people have you slept with?
I don’t care how many people say “It doesn’t matter” and (more…)

“When I get married I’m not working! My man can take care of that … I’m trying to stay home, cook and clean a little, and catch up on Maury! Kids … yeah I want some … but I’m not working no matter what”

What kind of bullsh*t is this?

OK, let me take a step back. First and foremost, I’m not talking about a stay at home mother. I mean just a wife, as in no kids, who feels the need to not work.

This topic came up when me and a female friend were talking about women working after marriage. She simply can’t see why anyone would want to stop working after getting married if there aren’t kids involved. She is a strong degreed black woman (as most my female friends are), maybe thats why 8 hours at home to her and letting her skills lapse, is a fate close to death … but maybe its something else.

When I told her I actually knew of women who became stay at home wives after college, gave her some current sitcoms popularizing the idea, and reveling her with the stories of girls telling me this was their goal in life, she became damn near outraged. (more…)