Single Black Male

I recently wrote about the two things that women (well … one woman) want, so I only felt it fitting to talk about the 3 things that a guy needs to truly keep him happy. This is according to the great comedian Chris Rock, but I just so happen to agree. So lets examine.

Feed Me

We, as men, enjoy food. We all enjoy different food at different times, but we like to eat. Prime time for a good meal is right when you come home. Your probably tired, have been in traffic for hours, and your stomach is just letting you and the world know that its dinner time. But wait … the hungry man … he can’t cook … and if he can … he probably doesn’t want to.

While this is the least important of the 3, it sure is nice to have your significant other make you a meal. A woman who cooks for her man is a great great woman.

F*ck Me

This doesn’t apply to everyone now. There are guys who just aren’t interested in sex and don’t require it. For the rest of the 99% with working penises … its pretty high on the list. And it can’t be some boring missionary, really quiet, plain ordinary sex. If you want to keep him happy, better be some falling off the bed, moving to the bathroom, back flips, whip cream, put it anywhere, hair pulling type sex.

And also don’t be stingy. If you have a headache, then take some advil. If your neck hurts, get a brace. If your coochy is sore, then give some head.

But really … this is self explanitory.

Shut The F*ck Up

Here is where i get cursed out!

This is the hardest one of the 3, but differentiates the good ones from the great ones. Getting someone to cook a meal for you … really not that hard (although getting harder in these times). Getting sex … well thats the easiest thing. Getting your woman (or even just the woman your sleeping with) to actually be quiet and give you personal time … well … you got a challenge.

I personally love to talk, but damn if I don’t love to have time to myself. Let me watch my game, play my Xbox, play with my computer, or finish up something for my boss before I go to sleep!

So … thats it. 3 things. It’ll keep him happy. I won’t go and say anything asinine like “these 3 things are all I need to be happy”, but I will say that if all of them happen in this order by someone I care for after work … I’ll be happy that night for sure!

I was talking with a friend and she told me something very interesting. Something that was so interesting I figured I would share it with you all … my family.

She decided to explain to me the two things that women need. I asked “only two things … you gotta be kidding me”. She admitted “I can’t speak for everybody … but it only takes two things for a man to keep me happy”. My interest had been piqued at this point and I lean into the phone. I mutter “so tell me … what are the two things to keep a woman happy”. I can almost hear her lean in to whisper this answer to me … I guess she didn’t want the world overhearing me. Mouth watering, possibilities racing through my mind, I await as she opens her mouth. I hear:

“Good sex and head”

I wanted to hang up the phone.

Thats what I was waiting for? Thats the “secret” to keeping a woman happy? I felt bamboozled!

So … being the argumentative asshole that I am, I quickly challenge this statement and poke holes in her “theory”. “So”, I say, “good dick and good head. Really? Thats it”

“Yes. But I will admit … its got to be really good”

“What about if he doesn’t talk? I mean he is emotionally distant, doesn’t ask you ‘how was your day?’, doesn’t care how your feeling, etc.”

“Who cares? We’re just having sex”

Ok … so now I’m starting to think. Maybe this chic is talking about some other stuff. “So … your husband doesn’t need to talk to you? You’re cool with that?”

“Husband. Who said anything about my husband”

“What are you talking about then?”

“I don’t know” She replies kind of blankly.

“All you did was define the requirements for a cut buddy”

This is why girls are dumb and rocks should be thrown at them (no offense to my friend of course).

How long can a guy who really is no good (I mean no job, borrows money, looks at other women, lives at home, and plays xbox 360 all day) stay in your “good graces” if he is providing nothing more than toe curling sex and award winning cunnilingus? I would ask the same question for the guys … but damnit if we don’t all know the answer to that!

“I said I love having sex … but I rather get some head” - Three 6 Mafia

To anyone who doesn’t know, respect, and understand the importance of oral sex in 2008 … kill yourself (said in true Three 6 fashion)

Don’t get me wrong … sex is great. Sex is wonderful. It can be an emotional and soul connecting experience. It can raw and rough ending with two people tired and smiling. It can get real freaky and elaborate … and its one act that aims at mutual satisfaction (everyone gets off) … but lets be real … its trumped by good head anyday.

When I was younger (middle school or early high school … years before I started having sex either way) I read an sex article written by some woman. It forever changed my life. She said “A man who can f*ck well is great … but not special. There are plenty men who can give you good sex. But … to find a man who can give good head … thats special” (quote paraphrased from memory).

I took this to heart. When I got my first girlfriend, I honed my skill. I also mentally convinced myself I liked giving head (which I still do to this day). To this day, I get no bad reviews … I keep adding to the “skill set” … and I still love it. So … to sum it all up:

Reasons I love giving head

• Nothing sounds better than to hear your name while the other person is in a fit of pure ecstasy.
• Its one of the most unselfish sexual acts I can think of … shows the other person I really care about their enjoyment.
• The look on their face afterwards is priceless.
• They know I care about them on some level.
• I can do more with my tongue.
• Something about when their whole body just starts the shaking … whew.
• At the end of the day … I really enjoy the other person “finding their happy place”.

Reasons I love getting head

• Uh … its head.
• The tounge and hand can do a lot more.
• I can be lazy, sit back, and just enjoy myself.
• If you need more reasons than that … you’ve never gotten good head before!

Does the rest of the world adore oral sex the way I do? Anyone else knows the best way to say “I Love You” is by making some toes curl?

Here is another reader submission.

What if your boyfriend has a high sex drive (he wants to do it everyday)? You thought you had a healthy sex drive ( I prefer about 3 times a week), but you can’t keep up and it’s causing problems between you and your man. What should a woman do?
Signed
Three Times (a) Lady

As a guy who really likes sex … I want to say “give in … just eat more clams” … but my advice would suck then

As with almost anything else involving relationships … I think compromise is going to be the key. If he wants 7 times a week, then its going to be hard for 3 times to suffice. Personally, I would start by getting that number down from 7. Even I as a virile young man don’t want to f*ck 7 times a week (I thought I did in college … but I grew up and started working). If you try talking about it and come up with a good number in between … it might be win win.

Also … luckily with sex … there is a lot of room for compromise. There is “sex of the mouth” and “manual stimulation” that may be able to hold him over on come of the other nights.

Lastly … there are plenty of ways to increase your sex drive. Try some aphrodisacs (spanish fly, clams, tiger penis … I hear, and they say viagra works for women too!) and try some new things. Sex in public … new orifices (and don’t say “ewww”) … some role play … and more stuff that I don’t want to put out there publicaly.

I think if you really like this guy … your gonna have to talk about it … but your going to have to work with him. Sex is extremely important for men. I learned from a college level sexual education class that men are hornier because of biological reasons (hormone levels) … so one of the worst things you can do is ignore it or just assume “he’ll be ok … its not that important”. If you don’t address … he is libel to leave you or cheat.

A lot of women like to say “I’m a player” or “I’m treating these guys just like they treat us”. They come to this conclusion because they sleep with a bunch of guys and feel like they don’t get emotionally attached and are just using these people for d*ck. They claim they “control their sexuality” and identify with Samantha of “Sex and The City” (yes … I do like and I watched the show) … but sadly … 95% of them are mistaken. To that mistaken majority … listen to me now:

YOU ARE A HO!

I’m just tired of these girls who are really promiscuous and loose thinking they are doing something special. Your not! Just because your capable of sleeping with a lot guys does not make you special. Some call it a double standard (because a guy who can sleep with a lot of women may very well be a player) … and it may be … but then again life is filled with double standards. Fresh manicures are necessary for men. Short hair looks better on guys. Paying on the first date is almost a requirement for males. Accept them.

To be a female player, there are certain requirements to be called a female player. Here is a small list of criteria defining the “Female Player”:

You have a solid “team” of highly desirable men

You can’t be a player if you only have one guy. And you can’t be a player if your guys are all the people nobody wants. Any women who considers herself a player, needs to have at her disposal a group of men that genuinely want her, show it, and she is not just sleeping with. You can sleep with people on the team … I’m not saying that … but if they’re staying around because of sex (as a woman … its almost impossible for you to know this) … then your not a player (and you might be a hoe in his eyes) … but if its not the case … you might be a player.

You don’t have to sleep with a guy to get dinner, dates, and attention

Its easy to get sex from a guy. Often times we’ll sleep with anyone as long as their willing. Having money spent on you is significantly harder, but still not that hard. A lot of guys, especially simps, are quick to spend money. When you get a combination of time & money, thats significant. Time being the key thing … as guys, we’re stingy with it … so to get a lot of time without giving sex for a prolonged period of time (2+ months) from several people … you might just be a player.

Your guys stay “in the game” for long periods of time (3+ months)

I personally suffer from Relationship ADD and am quick to lose interest. I know this happens with plenty of other males … so if you find that the people you are “entertaining” stay around for extended periods of time (without sex … cause sex will keep me around for ages) … then you might be a player.

Your guys say they love you and show it

“We don’t love them hoes” … a famous quote by Snoop Doggy Dogg and a general law of the land for men. If your a hoe or thought of as a hoe … then he should not and probably will not show you real love. If your people truly love you … you might be a player.

Your guys get mad and upset at you

Hoes and jumpoffs are not worth getting upset over. We might be mad that the “free p*ssy” is over, but general we’re not going to expend that type of energy over a “second class citizen”. If the people on your team express hurt, caring, anger, disappointment, and other emotions his friend will clown him for … you might be a player.

I hope this was useful to the women out there … because this one is to you. I’m just tired of hos thinking their special (and not all women are hoes … I’m specifically talking to the hos) because the title of player is not easily earned.

Just to argue the other point … there are plenty of guys thinking they are players (many of them simps in reality) … and I will touch on that subject shortly.