Single Black Male

I once found myself at the house warming party for a friend of a friend. It was a girl who I went to school with, but didn’t really know at school.

As the night progressed … liquor was flowing and good times were being had. We played some game “Mafia”, talked about randomness, and just all chilled. There were some ok looking girls there … but nothing worth writing about.

So … one of my line brothers shows up after I tell him there are more women than men. He is currently in law school and decided to bring one of his friends from law school. After a few minutes … a conversation breaks out.

LB’s Friend: “I just bought a 42″ LCD for my house. Its great … women love 42 inches”
SBM: “Why do you need a 42″ tv for women. Your in law school … women love lawyers”
LB (Line Brother): “I don’t know … I think the big tv would impress them more”
SBM: “What kind of bucket heads you talking to? With the high amount of golddiggery afoot … lawyers are gonna do well”
Friend: “Well … we’re not lawyers yet … just in law school”
SBM: “Hmmmm … interesting. So does the immediate showing of wealth prove to be more interesting than the potential of 6 figures? Present Value vs. Future Value”
LB: “I don’t think women are going to go for future value. TV wins”
SBM: “Lets go straight to the source. Excuse me” I say as I tug on the hostesses arm. “I got a question for you. What’s more attractive: A 42 inch TV or someone in law school”
Hostess: *turns neck as she talks* “Thats a stupid question. Who would decide a man on either”
SBM: “Indulge me. I’m drunk, your drunk (she was), their almost drunk and we need a female opinion”
Hostess: “Its a stupid question though. Who cares what he has if his ‘dick game’ is right”
SBM: *lets out heavy sigh* “He has to work his way up to sex in the first place … right?  It is a stupid question. Can you just give me a stupid answer?”
Hostess: “But why should I? What does it matter?”

This back and forth continues for like 15 minutes and concludes with her polling the rest of the women there asking “Is this a stupid question or what?”.

This characterizes one significant flaw with the general female populous … you can’t argue over stupid sh*t. Well … I take that back … ya’ll will argue over stupid sh*t until your blue in the face if you think its important … but when I ask you if Superman can beat Batman, I’ve offended your intellect. Yet, strap vs. no strap on some Versace sandals is worthy of 30 minutes of internal struggle, a call to your sister, 3 picture messages to your girlfriend, and 15 minutes of meditation while drinking green tea.

Is anyone else tired of this? Does anyone else wish they could argue about stupid hypothetical situations with your woman? Anyone else interested in a deep philosophical debate about how the smurfs had a village with only one female smurf? Was she a hoe or were they all gay?

I am a firm believer that where you grow up plays a significant role in terms of your personality, expectations in life, dialect, accent, and even what you want from a man or women. Some might argue … but trust me … its undeniable

Going to a big state school brought in people from all over. Also being minutes away from Howard University and living in the Washington DC area, a mixing pot from all across the nation (and world really), I have dated, talked with, yelled obscenities across the street at (hey you … in the pink … with the ass), and courted women from all over the country. I am far from “full coverage” of the spectrum, but here are my findings so far.

So … here is SBM’s handy guide to dating from different regions.

*disclaimer*: This applies only to Black Women.

Washington, DC & Prince George’s County, MD

Figured I would start with home. People now call the area the DMV (for DC, Maryland, & Virginia), but things can change up big time when you cross the state or county line.

I personally have enacted a ban on all women who were raised in either of these areas. I can’t stand them at all! I have only dated one for a significant amount of time, but have grown up around them, and they have some of the worst attitudes I have ever encountered. They expect a lot, usually have a streak of hood rat in them, no matter how good the pedigree, and love to get mad over the stupidest sh*t ever. The B* word comes to mind as I write this. Also, if your not from here expect to spend a lot of time in my glossary trying to understand her.

Quick tempers, “unique” style in clothes, high demands, disproportionate love for thugs, and an undeserved sense of “I’m the sh*t” even when she isn’t, characterizes this one. Proceed with caution.

I will say … we have gorgeous women though. PG is nicknamed “Pretty Girl” county and damn it if we don’t live up to it. I mean even going to church turns into a mental test of concentration.

Baltimore

I don’t know what it is, but two things Baltimore is filled with … Big Girls and Rollers (women of a promiscuous nature). One of the few place I know that still has a red light district with hookers and strip clubs. Be careful of an STD though, they flirt with the #1 spot for AIDS every other year.

The stories my friends have of some Bmore girls are just nuts though, especially those who went to school up there. One guy got approached by a girl who said “I wanna f*ck you tonight” and then walked off. He didn’t think anything of it, until she found him at the let out and took him home. Damn.

New York City

Sometimes it shocks me how quickly this city can ruin good women. I don’t know if I’ve ever met a New Yorker I liked. Because of the general “don’t trust anyone” attitude of all new Yorkers, they can be crass, rude and obviously distrusting. Nowhere is like NY, according to them, and everywhere south of Philly is
the “South” (so stupid). Everywhere is slow compared to NY, and expect to work for anything with this women. Also, don’t expect favors, kind words, or not to work overly hard … for anything. I hear if your a fellow New Yorker … its all much easier.

New Jersery

They provide balance to the NY area. They are a lot nicer, strong lovers, and usually well balanced and good catches. Accents can get annoying (I swear if I hear “caw-feee” instead of “coffee” one more time in my life), but a small price to pay for a well rounded individual.

Atlanta

A varied bunch with the recent growth of the city and the extreme increase in them number of implants (people moving there from some other city … not titties). Generally, really big into getting married and settling down, but overall seem a little crazy. Country but progressive. Expect to truly deal with the “hybrid” (old school chivalry mixed with new aged independence).

Texas (based on Austin, TX)

They say Austin is a lot different then the rest of Texas, but I have visited Houston & Dallas too. Generally, Texas women are so nice … I mean makes me feel special nice. I mean, there just aren’t bad attitudes. I’m talking about a girl actually apologizing to me because her feet hurt and she doesn’t want to dance!

They seemed to be slightly under par in the looks department (sorry) … but made up for it with their personalities. Texas based women still hold a special place in my heart (plus how many other women can do “My dougie” and know about Chamillionaire back in the “Color Changing Clique” days and Slim Thug when he was a “Boss Hogg Outlaw”.

Florida

A lot of variance, so haven’t made any across the board observations except one … never have I met a set of women so comfortable with sharing exactly what is on their mind … no matter if its hurtful or mean … as long as its the truth. Its kind of refreshing … unless she f’s around and hurts your feeling by saying something.

Actually, these women also love hard! So far, they intrigue me. I’m gonna add a few more to the roster and see what happens.

Seattle, Washington

THERE ARE NO BLACK WOMEN IN SEATTLE!

I was there 3 months. Saw like 5 or 6 and they seem to not want to acknowledge the fact they gotta compete with millions of white women with a sweet tooth for chocolate. I did not enjoy Seattle!

Midwest

No across the board observations … but I’ve never had anything with any of them work out at all. I’ve had guy friends from Chi-town, and them n*ggas are wild. I mean every single one acts straight like Bernie Mac. Loud, arrogant, cocky, and quick to blow up. Never dated anyone from the chi, but I can only imagine what living in a city of Bernie Macs does to a woman.

So what cities did I miss? Any females available to co-sign with my regional descriptions (or argues as I know someone will)? The west has generally been unknown to me, so anyone can fill it in for me?

Here is a scenario given to me by a reader. This one was a head scratcher.

Ok here’s the deal. I have a friend, who’s just a friend, who’s married and his wife is cheating on him and I’ve been talking to him about his problems telling him he shouldn’t give up on his marriage, etc., etc., telling him he should go to counseling go to his pastor etc etc…

Lately we’ve been on the phone all day everyday and it’s clear that we’re falling for each other … but he’s married.

My question is like is this for real or is this a transference of energy. He’s everything i prayed for … or so he appears to be. We haven’t done anything, like even kiss or hug, the connection is purely emotional … nothing physical.

My other question is what should i do? I would never tell a man to leave his wife because that’s wrong and I would never intentionally start dealing with another woman’s husband because it’s bad karma, but at the same time I can’t help how I feel and he can’t help how he feels … if you know what i mean. They’ve been married for 2 years and were together 10 months before they got married. Time doesn’t matter, because if it’s Gods hand at work it could be 2 days as opposed to 10 months, but I’m so confused at this point.

Do i walk away to avoid being caught up or do I let go? Or should I let him leave her and be with me? How will he receive favor in God if he leaves her? She did committ adultery first … but two wrongs don’t make it right … although it does make it even?

Signed,
An Unintentional Mistress

This one really made me think. There definitely is the concept of the heart wants what the heart wants … and if the wife is cheating on him … I have no sympathy for a scantankerous scuttle-but like that … but … marriage is something to be upheld and if it can be fixed … that is a good thing (right …?).

Well … I think there are two options … two extremes in this situation … because I just foresee a middle ground working out. Essentially … you need to be with him or you need to leave him alone. Lets examine both in detail.

Fall Back …

At this point, with him trying to fix his marriage … not sure you can remain “friends”. Honestly, its going to be hard for him to work things out with a wife who is cheating on him when he has a good woman (assuming your a good woman … and you must be … cause you read my blog) talking in his ear every night. Its gonna be hard for him to stick it out when the temptation of something better is just so close. If you really want him to work out his marriage … your going to have to significantly diminish your roll as a confidant (read: talk to him like once a week).

Fight for what you want

Well … this woman he is married to doesn’t really sound like a good person or someone who deserves him.  I am all for the sanctity of marriage … but some women are just not deserving of a good man. In addition … we all have some basic rights to do what is personally best for us. If the chemistry is really as strong as you perceive it may be worth your while to put yourself out there and make a serious “move”.

Honestly, I just don’t see you successfully keeping this “friendship” going at this point. You have a strong desire to be with him (”everything I prayed for” is pretty serious talk) and if he is trying to salvage his marriage … your going to make things significantly difficult for him. Also, with him having such a significant role in your life and the tension … it will make your own personal search for love difficult also. Something needs to change …

I’m really going to need help on this one. But as always … the most important part of asking me for advice … is the 50 people who hate me and will tell me I’m wrong … lol.

“Man … I bought that girl a drink and didn’t even get the number”
“Ha ha … you simp ass b*tch”

This conversation occurred so many times in college its not even funny. I tell people to this day that me and all my friends had an official policy about buying drinks for women while in school, and for the years following … don’t do it!

I can actually remember the first time I bought a girl a drink that I didn’t know. I was in Atlanta and had just graduated, so early 20s. I had already signed my offer letter and knew how much I would be making, so I was living on credit and enjoying life (don’t worry … I had an internship and . I was spending plenty of money on myself … strip clubs … alcohol … you know … the usual.

Basically … I was chatting it up with this pretty young thang … hitting her with the Billy Dee like game. At some point she hints that I need to buy her a drink (something like “I need to get my night started”). At this point … time froze … and I was forced to think quick. Do I give her an excuse, potentially throwing away all the good game I had spit and time I had invested (about 15 minutes … but hey … time is time). So … I asked for the number right then and there … knowing in my head her response would govern who paid for her drink. She put them and her name into my phone (I think its still there too) … so I got her an Apple Washington … and unbeknown to her … she popped my cherry.

I had to physically have the number in my possession before I felt comfortable buying a drink. And trust … little has changed.

Why do I need to buy a woman a drink if we are having good conversation and you are interested in me? Do you need verification that I have money? Are you incapable of buying your own drink? Or is it a power play to see what you can get from me?

In support of my “Don’t buy em drinks” campaign … I have all kinds of stories from female friends. One friend got the drink, ducked under the guy’s arm, and yelled thank you over her shoulder as she headed back to the floor. And there are a million more where they guy got little to know acknowledgment or a half assed thank you

I could go on for days about this one … but basically … at the end of the day … I just don’t know you well enough to spend my money on you. Most women don’t go around giving handjobs to everyone that asks or talks to them … so why should I come out my pockets when all I have is a name and a blurb about you?

If I came in with you, or I know you from outside the club … completely different. I have little problem with it. But there is little you can say to me in 15 minutes of conversation for me to roll the dice for $15 at you being in the small percentage of quality.

And please believe … I’ll be a Trump Tycoon individual still giving girls the stink eye when they ask for drinks!

A lot of women like to say “I’m a player” or “I’m treating these guys just like they treat us”. They come to this conclusion because they sleep with a bunch of guys and feel like they don’t get emotionally attached and are just using these people for d*ck. They claim they “control their sexuality” and identify with Samantha of “Sex and The City” (yes … I do like and I watched the show) … but sadly … 95% of them are mistaken. To that mistaken majority … listen to me now:

YOU ARE A HO!

I’m just tired of these girls who are really promiscuous and loose thinking they are doing something special. Your not! Just because your capable of sleeping with a lot guys does not make you special. Some call it a double standard (because a guy who can sleep with a lot of women may very well be a player) … and it may be … but then again life is filled with double standards. Fresh manicures are necessary for men. Short hair looks better on guys. Paying on the first date is almost a requirement for males. Accept them.

To be a female player, there are certain requirements to be called a female player. Here is a small list of criteria defining the “Female Player”:

You have a solid “team” of highly desirable men

You can’t be a player if you only have one guy. And you can’t be a player if your guys are all the people nobody wants. Any women who considers herself a player, needs to have at her disposal a group of men that genuinely want her, show it, and she is not just sleeping with. You can sleep with people on the team … I’m not saying that … but if they’re staying around because of sex (as a woman … its almost impossible for you to know this) … then your not a player (and you might be a hoe in his eyes) … but if its not the case … you might be a player.

You don’t have to sleep with a guy to get dinner, dates, and attention

Its easy to get sex from a guy. Often times we’ll sleep with anyone as long as their willing. Having money spent on you is significantly harder, but still not that hard. A lot of guys, especially simps, are quick to spend money. When you get a combination of time & money, thats significant. Time being the key thing … as guys, we’re stingy with it … so to get a lot of time without giving sex for a prolonged period of time (2+ months) from several people … you might just be a player.

Your guys stay “in the game” for long periods of time (3+ months)

I personally suffer from Relationship ADD and am quick to lose interest. I know this happens with plenty of other males … so if you find that the people you are “entertaining” stay around for extended periods of time (without sex … cause sex will keep me around for ages) … then you might be a player.

Your guys say they love you and show it

“We don’t love them hoes” … a famous quote by Snoop Doggy Dogg and a general law of the land for men. If your a hoe or thought of as a hoe … then he should not and probably will not show you real love. If your people truly love you … you might be a player.

Your guys get mad and upset at you

Hoes and jumpoffs are not worth getting upset over. We might be mad that the “free p*ssy” is over, but general we’re not going to expend that type of energy over a “second class citizen”. If the people on your team express hurt, caring, anger, disappointment, and other emotions his friend will clown him for … you might be a player.

I hope this was useful to the women out there … because this one is to you. I’m just tired of hos thinking their special (and not all women are hoes … I’m specifically talking to the hos) because the title of player is not easily earned.

Just to argue the other point … there are plenty of guys thinking they are players (many of them simps in reality) … and I will touch on that subject shortly.